If I had a girl - Rated R

Turin

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10 Rules for dating my daughter



Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 

Sorcha

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Hehe...that's one of my faves :D Here's another along the same lines:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

(NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history,
ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.)

NAME____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT_____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent


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If NO, please explain


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Number of years they have been married


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If less than your age, explain


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Do you own a van? ____________
A truck with oversized tires?___________
A waterbed?____________
A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
A condom?_______________
Pornography?_______________
A tattoo?_____________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE
PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?


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In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?


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In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?


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Church you attend


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How often you attend


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When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________ clergyman? _______________

mother? _____________ parole officer? __________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

C: A woman's place is in the:___________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:


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E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:


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(NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is
advised.)

What do you want to do IF you grow up? _________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

Condoms come in packages of (circle one)

3
6
9
12
ALL OF THE ABOVE

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE & RED HOT
POKERS.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signature

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing.

Have a nice day.
 
OP
Turin

Turin

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  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
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That's good.
 

Cheesy Goodness

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Bill Engval: "I'll take the boy calmly aside, just so me and him can hear the conversation. Then I'll look him straight in the eye and calmly say 'Before you even think about huggin or kissin, remember these words: I have no problem goin back to prison'"
 

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