Bloodletter Finals


Love Sara
Jul 16, 2008
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Stockholm, Sweden

Jim: Welcome sport fans to the Bloodletter finals! This is where it will be decided who is the most ruthless, backstabbing and bloodthirsty son of a whore out there!

Bob: Or daughter, Jim…

Jim: What?

Bob: I said “or daughter”. Some of the ladies down there in the ring might take offence otherwise, and you don’t want that!

Jim: That’s correct of you, Bob. Anyway, I’m your host for this evening; Jim Rays, and with me is the guy on the fly, the only free thinker in the land of Bolgovia, and the bastard son of a king: BOB VAN HIRLOF!

Bob: Thank you, Jim. It’s nice to be here in the sunny city of San Hador, more specific the
Bloodletter Arena. In a grand gesture given to the city by the leading bloodsuckers; the Licherstien of the Karnak Clan!

Jim: Those would be the vampires, yes?

Bob: Nope, Lawyers.

Jim: Dear gods in paradise!

Bob: I know, Jim. And of course they are here in full representation in the VIP lounge, with a great view of the ring. 500 cameras, all transmitting directly into each of the viewer’s brain!

Jim: Ain’t money beautiful folks? OOOH! I see that even Princess Claw-Gaze of nearby Wülf Mountain has allowed herself to attend this once-in-a-lifetime event!

Bob: I guess after her prize fighter Wild-Eyed snuffed it in the semi-finals she just wants to see his killer get hers.

Jim: And I would bet that this is the right place for her, the odds of Wild-Eyed’s killer getting massacred is 3-1, not good odds for our raven haired beauty, is it Bob?

Bob: No siree! This cute little bloodsucker will be facing the late great Jason 43!

Jim: Not THE Jason 43, our favourite cyborg? Brought back to life by our favourite mad scientists at LGT?

Bob: That would be him, Jim.

Jim: Awful rhyming there, Bob. But you are right in saying that it will be one hell of a fight. Cause as older viewers know, the 43 stands for 43 Bloodletter wins! And that’s just this season! In our mind we are all asking the question “Will this be number 44?”

Bob: And all signs point to yes, Jim. We go now live to the locker rooms where our intern Ifuka Guysana has snuck a peak at what’s happening under Jason’s towel.

Jim: Awful pun there, Bob.

Ifuka: So, Mr 43, how are you feeling this absolutely FABULOUS day? Any crunching or maiming getting done today, hmm? Maybe a few eviscerations or brutal anal invasions?

Jason 43: Who the hell allowed this little psycho in here? Gods damn it all! I’m in my damn underwear here!

Ifuka: Oh, that’s alright bunny-bun, I don’t bite. I’m in a very serious relationship with an architect. You know those torture cells in the mayor’s office? He designed those…

Jason 43: Huh…maybe a few questions, but keep it clean ok butt-boy?

Ifuka: Fabulous! Now, are you worried about your opponent (who by the way is wearing a stunning little black number.) or do you see this as an easy way to the final battle?

Jason 43: Well, the chick got a couple of damn fine skills, and damn fine legs if you know what I mean…

Ifuka: I’m afraid I don’t…

Jason 43: What I’m getting at is that she’s done well getting this far but when facing a guy like me you need damn near excellent skills to even last a few seconds. So I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the audience that it won’t be worth their money, but I will try to drag it out to at least five minutes.

Ifuka: Well, that’s certainly…modest. Okay, tell the viewers this: how have you trained for this season. The usual long hours on the gym with all that bulging muscles and sweat?

Jason 43: Nah, when you can bench press a truck full of bricks, you have to go a bit out of the way to find good exercises. My good friends at LGT got me some new upgrades to the techno-organs at the beginning of the season and have also patched in some new software just for the finals.

Ifuka: That’s sounds great and I for one can’t wait until we get to see those steel rods of yours pump away…back to you Bob and Jim!

Bob: Why did we hire him?

Jim: He makes good nachos at parties. There you have it folks. A confident Jason 43! Now let’s pull our attention away from that pompous techno-freak and see his lovely, young opponent.

Bob: Hold on there, Jim. This willow-tree of a girl is no mere sapling. No siree, she’s 765 going to be 766 in a month. She’s the one who made the trek across the great waste and under, yes I said UNDER the Raging Sea! Now if this doesn’t say badass! I don’t want to know what does! I would be afraid of it I would!

Jim: So, let us now go live to the locker rooms where Ifuka Guysana has gained access to Inna Rainadottir!

Ifuka: So Ms Rainadottir…

Inna: Leave me alone…

Ifuka: Come on honey, is that really a way to make friends, hmm?


Jim: Afraid we have to cut there, the you-know-what guys gets pissed if there’s too much blood on screen before the actual games.

Bob: Right you are, Jim. That’s why we now go to…


Bob: Gods damn, Jim! I told you to shut that off!

Jim: Sorry, Bob, but it just makes good TV.

Bob: That it does, I see your point. Ok sport fans, just for you the YKW assholes are gonna sue us after this, the pre-match slaughter of the butt-boy!

Jim: Oh yes, an honoured tradition! We go in now in time to see our bosomed vampire deliver her trademark lightning swipe using her trademark claws into Ifuka’s not so trademarked shoulder.


Bob: Ouch! That kick in the face just had to hurt! Oooh, I think what’s coming next, a move dreaded by almost all male fighters in the Bloodletter game! Inna takes aim and…


Jim: Aaaand I think that’s all we’re getting right now folks, gee so much blood out of one butt-boy.

Bob: What’s that girl doing now? She’s whispering something. Can you make it out, Jim?

Jim: I think she said “no comment”, Bob. How about that? The girl got the stuff I must say!

Bob: She certainly does! But enough about that. It’s time for what you are tuned in for and what millions of people have paid to see! THE BLOODLETTER FINAL!

Jim: The gates are opening and Jason 43 is on his way to the ring. Oooh when I see him strutting down that isle with “Raging Inferno” blasting on full volume I must say I know how poor Ifuka felt!

Bob: Stay with me here, Jim. The time for fruits have passed, this is Bloodletting! The ultimate battle! Male against female, magic against tech and bone against steel! While Jason makes like a dandy and smooth talks the crowd, I can see a shadow in the west side of the arena! A simple walk telling the world that this undead gal means business! This is NOT for the crowd! NOT for the glory! It isn’t even for the 5 million in the prize pot! This. is. for. HONOUR!

Jim: And they are both in the ring, the judge asks them to shake hands. DID YOU SEE THAT BOB?!

Bob: I certainly did, Jim. Jason 43 have just flipped off his opponent and smashed the head of a judge! Isn’t that against the rules?

Jim: Maybe, but you are forgetting that this is Bloodletter! We came here to see blood and boy oh boy is Jason showing it right now!

Bob: The assistant judge seems reluctant to step into the ring…wait…I’m getting a message from our sponsors (30% Beer, the beer who leaves you feeling refreshed and with 30% eyesight!) that this match will be without a judge! EVERYTHING GOES FOLKS!

Jim: As things are going we can expect a brutal and long battle here in the Arena. There goes the gong! Remember folks, it’s over when one of them is dead or 24 hours passed!

Bob: Eh…Jim?

Jim: Yes, Bob?

Bob: Uhm…while you were talking Inna decapitated Jason 43…just…clean off…no spill or anything…

Jim: Oh.

Bob: Fans…this is a sad, sad day for Bloodletting everywhere. Never before has there been a match going on for less than one second!

Jim: and the crowd doesn’t like this one bit, Bob. There will be rioting in the street’s toni…*

Bob: Jim? Jim? Are you…? Oh…Folks, my friend Jim here has been hit by a bottle so…I’m out! If you drive home do not forget your car, or what’s left of it! I’m Bob Van Hirlof with an unconscious Jim Rays.


Black Tattoo

The Corruptor
Feb 3, 2006
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Buckle of the Snow Belt (AKA Michigan)
Yet another excellent piece! Though I will say I enjoyed this even more than the previous - LOL

"Bob: Jim? Jim? Are you…? Oh…Folks, my friend Jim here has been hit by a bottle so…I’m out! If you drive home do not forget your car, or what’s left of it! I’m Bob Van Hirlof with an unconscious Jim Rays."

Love it! :)