your thoughts?

Discussion in 'Writing Workshop' started by Killbot608, May 2, 2009.

?

how was it?

  1. wow, thats pretty good!

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. its alright

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  3. eh...

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. not good...

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  5. wow, that sucked...

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    this is my latest idea, i've only read through it once so it probably has some mistakes, i'd be grateful for your criticisms.
    this is an intro bit, before s**t gets real for our hero.


    The Chronicles of Talem

    There is a place, or at least there was, created by ancient beings granted immortality and power by the unquestioning faith and belief placed in them by the billions of living souls residing on the earthen planes. It was a metaphorical country, which technically didn’t exist, in the realm of magic, a place teeming with magical energy.
    The ancient beings who lived there had earned the rank of gods for the many great acts they performed in life, such was the faith and belief of their followers that an alternate world was formed so that the souls of such great beings would continue to watch over them. But after a few thousand years democracy kicked in and the ancient tribes culture was destroyed including their religion. So with no worshipers and having been found out by the actual gods they could neither enter the gods realm nor move on to the after life. They became bored, their power was limited by the real gods so they only had enough power to take it in turns to, every 5000 years, change one persons life utterly.

    “Wait for it,” Geon the earth eater stood before the great clock along with all of the other faux gods waiting for the time when their power would briefly return to them.
    “What are you gonna do?” Asked Io of the white flame. Ok it’s taking too long to write out all of these titles, I’ll just refer to them by name.
    “Probably blow something up.” Said Teah grumpily, she longed for her turn so that she might do something interesting unlike the others who had already been before her.
    “No,” replied Geon. “I have something much more fun planned.”
    The clock struck twelve, Everyone roared with excitement.
    “Quiet!” Kruoan’s famous voice boomed over all others, thunder was heard in the realm below.
    “Thank you Kru- um, Krer- hm, Krow- ah forget it, I will now bestow a blessing unto one lucky person, or at least, he will be lucky soon.”
    “We stopped saying ‘unto’ over a century ago.” Said Teah.
    “Look, can I just have this moment please? Thanks.” Geon gazed through the seeing pool into the mortal world below. “Him.” He exclaimed bluntly.
    “Him?” Inquired Sephian. “Why not bless one of those cool hero types?”
    “Very original of you Seph’” Said Geon. “This will be far more interesting.”


    Chapter 1


    Talem lay in his bed staring at the ceiling, it was a while before he realised he was awake. He lay there motionless, bored. He sighed deeply before slowly rolling out of bed. He stood and viewed his rented apartment for a moment before getting dressed and having a simple breakfast.
    He gazed out of his window into the dimly lit “streets” of Darkwind, the black forest in which he lived. Talem was a dark elf, about five foot five, fairly wiry with light, longish, messy hair. He wore loose clothes made from lightweight fabric, a common dress in elven forests, it made it far easier to traverse the forest mid levels where there weren’t walkways.
    Having locked his front door he began to make his way to his place of work; the forest floor. As he treaded the long, winding walkways to the delving lifts he passed Berone who was on his way home from the PM shift on the canopy watchtowers, they didn’t call it night, it implied that it was different to daytime which, as in any blackwood, there wasn’t.
    “Hey Tal,’” he called. “It’s dead up there, hope you have a better time on the ground.”
    “You know how it is, any action is bad action down there.” It was true, in the watchtowers one might have to torch a flock of shriek bats so they can’t pester the locals but on the forest floor the insects came as big as your arm and you could be devoured in a heartbeat by even the plants, without knowledge and experience a novice mushroom gatherer wouldn’t last an hour down there. Oh yeah, I didn’t mention that did I? Talem gathered mushrooms for a living, without the constant threat of death and/or mutilation it really would be the most painfully boring job ever.
    “I guess, maybe I just feel like I’ve spent too long just following a routine and I’m just bored with this place, maybe I’ll try getting out of town again, go to Shadowmeld and see my brother.”
    “Good luck finding the time, three of your guys were transferred to ground patrol when that scouting party went missing.”
    “Oh, yeah well maybe I can switch shifts and take my holiday early. Well I have to go so I guess we’ll talk later.”
    “Sure, I’m gonna collapse if I don’t sleep soon anyway.”
    They said their farewells and Talem proceeded into the depths of Darkwinds’ ground level.
    “It’s only five hours today Talem,” the lift operator informed him. “There’s been a pretty dangerous outbreak of sepia down there so we’ll be pulling you out early today.” Sepia is a spore that comes from some mushrooms, it’s called sepia because of the effect of looking through the clouds of spores. Other mushrooms have other strange effects, the flash cloud causes a series of intensely bright explosions when agitated by, for example, throwing it at the ground. The funguar is common, edible and really big, the strange thing about it is; you have to find them before the cap floats off into the canopy and is eaten by bats.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2009
  2. Darkloch

    Darkloch Love Sara

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    It's alright and I want to read more. Good job, Kill kill!
     
  3. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    thanks :D
    this wont be finished for a looooong time though, this comes after a series im working on i just thought i'd get it started while a had writers block :S
     
  4. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    I thought it was really cool and I loved the humour at the beginning! And the way the narrator says "Oh I didn't mention that, did I?" That made me laugh :D

    I want to read more :D
     
  5. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    i'll post some of my other one. but i dont think you'll like the main character.
     
  6. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Hmm? Why?
     
  7. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    he's a... ba***rd... an anti hero.
     
  8. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    I see... hmm.... I still want to read it ^_^ :D
     
  9. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    i'll polish it up for you :D (not happy with it atm, i always think it needs work)
     
  10. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Hokai ^_^