Winter - R

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Russ_N, Nov 13, 2005.

  1. Russ_N

    Russ_N New Member

    Nov 3, 2005
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    Dear Family,

    This is what has happened since the Lockerby’s moved to Gibson City, Illinois

    12/05/00 It’s 5:00 p.m. It’s starting to snow. The first snow of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!

    12/06/00 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.

    12/07/00 It snowed an additional 6 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now, much of the snow is brownish gray.

    12/08/00 It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $146.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice is expected.

    12/09/00 Still cold as hell. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into the guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

    12/10/00 It’s 2 ficking degrees outside. More ficking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ficking house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and I lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

    12/11/00 Goddamn mother fickin’ white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fickin’ mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I’ll chew open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits till I shovel our driveway again. Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof started to cave in.

    12/12/00 Six goddamn more fickin’ inches of fickin’ snow and fickin’ sleet and fickin’ ice and no telling what other kind of white fickin’ shit fell last night. I wounded the fickin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Truck won’t start; I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t feel my fickin’ toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More white shit is predicted. Wind chill is 22 degrees below zero. I’m moving my ass back south.