Very Short Story

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Valley_of_Avathar, Jul 22, 2005.

  1. Valley_of_Avathar

    Valley_of_Avathar Attercop Attercop

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2005
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Help! I'm trapped in the air conditioning
    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    "Champagne?" asked the waiter as I lifted my menu.

    “What?” I asked.

    “Champagne?” the waiter repeated

    "Oh. No, thank you," I said. The waiter left and I read my menu. I'd been seasick ever since this vessel departed from Newport, yesterday, and all the names for the dinners sounded very aweful. I was beginning to feel nauseous again so I slowly set down my menu. I stood up and walked out towards the water closet.

    It was just then that I saw my childhood sweetheart Norva Himdenbaucherstein sitting at a table near a large window. I turned and smiled but she did not see me. She was looking at a man sitting across from her. I walked towards them as the ship began to rock. They looked into each others eyes. I didn't know what was going on! Then they kissed! They KISSED! My dear Norva kissed a strange man. I felt angry! So, I marched right up and let it all out. That's right! ALL of it!

    ……Well, at least I'm not sick anymore.

    :yak:
     
  2. Klay

    Klay New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2005
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    I live within the confines of my overactive imagin
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    I would reccomend you learn how to spell correctly before posting fictional works online. I don't say this in a disrespectful manner, no infact i applaud your efforts.
    This is more of an anecdote, rather then a short story, so i would class it differently to begin with. If you think of this work as being serious in any respect of the word i would elect to give you a few pointers. Lengthen the tale to begin with, perhaps have yourself dreaming of your 'sweetheart' as a start. Give more information regarding your general feelings towards her, your hopes to be wedded someday etc.
    You have to much of a mishmash of different styles of speech here, for example "i set down my menu" is slightly archaic, whereas "I'd been sick" sounds more modern.
    Your dramatic ending is what gives this anecdote it's push, it's apliccable appertunance one might say. So elaborate there further also.
    As for everything else that all comes down to your skill as a writer.
     
  3. Valley_of_Avathar

    Valley_of_Avathar Attercop Attercop

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2005
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Help! I'm trapped in the air conditioning
    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    i wrote this years ago when i was like 15 or so. It was just a daily assignment in creative writing. The teacher told us we were at a restaurant and, on the way to the restroom we see an ex boy/girl friend seated with another girl/boy.

    Since I had never experienced the relationship of an ex-girlfriend, I decided to be hpumorous instead.
    And what did I spell wrong?...oh i guess aweful should be awful.
    thanks for responding.