unknown title as of yet

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Thairen, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. Thairen

    Thairen Wayward Demon

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    Well, first off I'm brand new here, so I'm going to try out my story on here and see if anyone likes it. I have about 100 pages written in a notebook and I'm in the process of typing it all up but here's what I have so far. It hasn't been worked on much in the sense of detail, I wrote it quickly in boot camp so... obviously comments and critizism are much appreciated, I will add more as I get it on here. Thanks in advance, ~Codey~







    Clouds of evaporating breath filled the sky as thousands stood in line. The stars shined bright but the sun would show its true face soon. That is when they will make their move.
    Crimson capes fluttered in the light breeze and the sound of metal on metal reverberated from sword to breastplate. Sitting upon a black mare, the general watched his troops as they screamed and excited themselves for the battle that was soon to come. He felt a pang of sadness, as he knew a great many would not survive. Muffled screams travelled, indicating the enemy was very near.
    “Listen!” The general belted, “Today, we face a great foe, but do not fear for yourselves, fear for defeat. Fear for what will happen to our loved ones if we should fail. Now let us move, and destroy these murdering bastards!”
    Spears and swords alike raised into the air as a few thousand sounds like millions. The general screamed and pointed his soldiers forward, towards the enemies advance.
    Thunder boomed and lighting danced across the sky as the light blue crystal orb shattered in the fortune teller’s hands.
    The women’s face turned white as the patron gazed on in confusion. “Silvania, what’s happening?”
    The old woman attempted to clear the fear from her eyes as she looked on the young boy. She took a deep breath, “Zaine… your father leads his army towards certain defeat, although they will take a great number with them, they will certainly fail. Only fate can save them now, let us pray for a blessing.”
    The young boy shuddered and tears began to fill his eyes as he realized he may never see his father again. Silvania let out a sigh and looked blankly at Zaine. “I fear the only way to save the army now is for somebody to get Zahlif’s blessing.”
    Zaine looked hard at the old woman, “I will be that person, and I only need to know what to do!”
    “Head to the spirit hall and ask for the snake god’s favor, that is the only way. Make sure you are armed, he may wish to test you.”
    Zaine brushed the tears from his eyes and got up to leave. He looked back with a strange grin on his face before busting out the old oak door. He raced down the familiar streets and didn’t look back, passing friends, dodging carts and slow people. The cobble streets in Ishgar’s Summit were long, but to Zaine it felt as if time wasn’t moving. His black hair swayed in the wind as he picked up speed and leapt the six stone steps to the doorway of his home. He ran through the front door and was hit by the smell of cooked roast and potatoes, his favorite meal, but he had no time for such pleasantries. He grabbed his sword hanging on the wall in his messy room before leaping back out of the house and down the road towards the spirit hall.
    The spirit hall was a towering grey stone building. The points of the towers seemed too pierce the clouds. It always had seemed eerie to Zaine, but he ignored the shiver in his spine and walked up the cracked marble steps and looked up at the big cedar doors bordered by think black-painted metal. There was a hint of rust with age, but it was kept nicely for its age.
    He pounded his fist on the door four times and stepped back as if the devil himself was going to greet him at the door. The door creaked open and a middle-aged man stuck his head out, grey hairs filled his bushy beard. “Zaine? What are you doing here at this hour? The hall is getting ready to be closed.”
    “Please Father Richard, you must let me in! I need to see the snake god; it’s the only way to save my father and the entire army!”
    “What are you talking about boy? Your father runs one of the strongest armies on this continent, there is nothing that can stand in their path, not even those pitiful orcs that head our way.”
    “Mistress Silvania tells me it’s true, we’ll be destroyed if I don’t see our god. Something terrible must be heading for father, something he’s going to need help with to destroy. If you don’t believe me you can go ask for yourself!”
    “Even if that were true, it would take days to set up for the ritual, by then your father would have already met with this ‘terrible’ force.”
    “Please, Father Richard, make haste and set it up; for the good of this city, do it!”
    “For now boy, go get your rest, I’ll see what I can do but you need sleep if you’re going to go through with the ritual.”
    “Yes Father Richard, thank you!” Like a lightning bolt Zaine was headed back home to get prepared physically and mentally for the tiring ritual.
    ********
    Horrid screams echoed through the castle walls. They continued coming strong from the dungeon torture room. A tall man with long black hair walked slowly in, closing the door behind him. He shot a glare at the executioner, who was pulling the bloody chains tighter and tighter. His victim’s face was twisted in brutal agony as he felt his arms and legs about to tear from socket. The tall man smiled and let out a chuckle. “So, now that you’ve seen what I can bring to you and your family, are you ready to tell me what you know? Or should I de-limb you and then try to get some answers?”
    The man screamed again as the chains slowly tightened and gave a nod. The man motioned for the executioner to halt. “Good, good. You, get out of here, your job is done.” The executioner gave a sigh and loosened his grip on the crank, then unlocked the shackles on the prisoner before leaving the chamber. “Now, speak what you know, and all of it better be true. If you lie you’ll be begging for this torture cause I can do much, much worse. Now, talk! Where is the demon?”
    The prisoner tried to lift himself up but his arms gave out and he crumpled back onto the hard wood table. “I don’t know who the demon is really; he was a newcomer to this village I used to live in, Menos. His name, at least from what I remember was Thairen. The last thing I remember seeing was an explosion from the tavern and then he busted out of the wall, His hair silver and he was much, much bigger. The most frightening part was the huge black wing sprouting from his shoulder. After that incident I moved away, here to Thanosec. I don’t know where he lives now, but Menos would probably be the best place to start.”
    The man brushed back his long hair and smiled, “I thank you for your information, it will help a lot in eradicating this major evil. You have done a great duty for this city. Now, unfortunately, you must die. Don’t be scared, you’ve earned a quick death.” With that he pulled a blade and plunged it deep into the man’s heart. After a choking gasp the light disappeared from his eyes. The man smiled and licked the blade clean of the thick, dripping blood and left. A gangly servant rushed up to him as he reached the entrance to the huge royal courtroom.
    “Master Wilhelm, come quick, we think we found the demon in the nearby village called Menos, we’ll need your talents to defeat and bring him to justice.”
    “Yes, I knew it, ready my horse and a force. We’ll need about thirty men or so for this task. Hurry, we leave right away!”
    The servant scurried away, nearly tripping over himself to get everything prepared. Wilhelm let out a chuckle as a dark gleam shined in his blue eyes, “Yes, all of his powers will be mine, then nothing will be able to stop me.”
    ********
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2008
  2. Thairen

    Thairen Wayward Demon

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    Hailey Strombolt sat atop her Moon Dragora deep in thought. The beast was transformed because it was night, otherwise it would have been small enough to be cradled in her arms. The beast’s long horn extended six feet from its gigantic head. Its tightly corded muscles in its arms looked like that of a human’s, only with a pale grey color. Hailey’s long auburn hair hung down her back, only slightly covering her huge, majestic bow. The bow was made of her own Dragora’s horn, which had fallen off years ago. The spiked outside made the bow as good of a close combat weapon as it was ranged, with custom grips to use as a two handed blade.
    She rested her thumb on her beautifully curved jaw and her hazel eyes perused the nearby tree line. “I caught a trail coming this way… but I lost it right here.” She had a habit of talking to herself or the dragora when she was tracking. She swung a long leg over the side of the dragora and leapt ten feet to the ground below. A silver blade was drawn when she landed, and she was up in the ready in a moment’s time. She knelt to check for broken twigs or disturbed rocks while also looking for fresh prints. “I could have sworn…” Hailey heard something and quickly grabbed for her bow, grabbing and nocking a brutal looking arrow while drawing and pointing the bow directly in the center of the man’s face who was trying to sneak up on her. “Caught you, Leon, you’ll never win.”
    Leon was slightly shorter than Hailey, with shady blonde hair. He wore a black fur tunic with a small buckler and a broad sword that hung from his back. His helmet was made from a giant wolf’s head. “Almost had you this time, next time you won’t be so lucky.” Hailey and Leon had been childhood friends and lived next to each other their entire lives. Now they roamed the woods together, training in survival and tracking. They grew up in Menos, Hailey’s father was a blacksmith, Leon’s an armor smith.
    “Well, it’s probably time to get home Leon; Rancor can get us there quicker than we can walk.” Hailey whistled to the large beast, which lowered itself so they could load up. After a short distance was passed Hailey noticed the dark was a lot brighter than usual and urged Rancor on towards Menos. When they came into view with the village they both stared on in horror. Menos was ablaze and sounds of battle echoed off into the night.
    Bodies littered the streets and hung as a gory display from pikes and nooses. They jumped from Rancor and charged into their destroyed village. They tried not to look at all the people they knew as they ran for their houses, contemplating what had happened, and most of all why it happened. They ran into Hailey’s house, but no one was around and there looked to be no sign of a struggle. “They might have sought refuge with your parents, and they all hid in the cellar to stay safe.” Leon nodded without a sound.
    As they ran for Leon’s house, which was visible from Hailey’s home, they ran into two knights in solid black plate mail. They had helmets on with large spikes and wielded large swords. Blood dripped as if they had just finished snuffing the light out of some unfortunate villager. “Oh, look, we’ve got some survivors here, and that girl looks like she could be a lot of fun before and after she’s dead. Let’s get rid of the little pretty boy.”
    “Why are you doing this?” Hailey yelled. The knights just chuckled as they made their slow but deliberate advance. Once they got within distance, Leon charged. He swept his broad sword in a sweeping arch. The knight easily blocked the swing, and the second knight ducked in to finish him, but Hailey finished him with and arrow through his visor. The knight dropped with a loud thud and blood poured out of his helmet. While the other knight was startled, Leon spun with his sword and his blade bit into the knight’s armor near the neck, which sent his head rolling across the dirt. Leon nodded his thanks to Hailey. He bent down to inspect the armor and looked back to Hailey
    “Isn’t Thanosec our allies? Why the hell are they attacking us?”
    “Apparently not anymore, let’s go we have no time to waste.” They busted through the door and pushed their way through the thick smoke. When they entered the cellar, they both dropped to their knees, tears and pain overcoming all their thoughts. Both their families were there, but mutilated beyond recognition. They held each other all night and cried, waiting for the fire to go out so they could leave and exact revenge on Thanosec.
     
  3. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

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    I thought that was a good start. The characters are very interesting so far and you've got a good writing style here. One thing however, perhaps if you put spaces between paragraphs when you post them it would make it less difficult to read. Maybe it's just me but it's hard to focus when everything is so close together. But other than that the overall idea is intriguing.
     
  4. Darkloch

    Darkloch Love Sara

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    I like the style and its a story that's easy to follow. I can see it go somewhere.
     
  5. Thairen

    Thairen Wayward Demon

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    Fire crackled in the hearth, sending small embers throughout the room, burning up before reaching the red carpet. A lone man sat cross-legged on the floor, dressed in normal clothes with a red cloak. His black hair fell just under his ears. He held a pen and was slowly drawing symbols on several pieces of paper touching each other in the corners. The markings he drew would mark him to any onlooker as a master alchemist.

    Light filled the room as he completed the final line; connecting all the papers into one unique crest. The light that filled the room was as bright as the sun until it turned a deep blood-red color. The man belted out a loud scream of fury as the power drained out of the room and into him. The room lost all light except for the meager flames that the dim fire offered.

    He stood and exited the house to sit on his rocking chair on the porch. He rocked for awhile, letting his memories overcome his dark thoughts. He played them over and over in his head as if he was still standing there now.

    A large man wielded a sword and a huge grin, his father who he missed so. His father was training him in the art of swordplay; he was about six at the time. He saw himself run at his father and taking a glorified swing, only to get blocked and a huge boot to the ground. Before the image faded from his mind, he heard his father laugh and say, “Thairen, keep working hard and one day you may even surpass me as a warrior.”

    The image blinked out to torchlight and yelling. Thairen snapped up and saw a small army approaching his doorstep. At the front sat a tall man on a black steed. He showed a deep, evil smile and leapt from his horse. He started a slow walk towards Thairen.

    “Ah, you must be Thairen, the demon so many have been talking about. I’m Wilhelm, and I’ve come to destroy you.”

    Thairen let out a chuckle, “You think a mere army of humans are going to be able to destroy me? You underestimate me, Wilhelm.”

    “We aren’t all humans here, Thairen.” As he finished his sentence, the moon hit the top of the sky and Wilhelm let off an unworldly growl. His muscles started to grow and hair burst out of his skin. A snout emerged and his teeth grew and pointed. Thairen smiled deeply.
    “Ah, a werewolf, hmm? How magnificent, tonight may prove to be interesting after all.”
    “You will regret those words, Thairen, when I steal your powers and take your life. Slowly”

    As Wilhelm and his small army started advancing, Thairen let off a low groan. Energy started building around him and lightning danced all around in the sky. All the soldiers halted as lightning blasted down and struck Thairen. He grew three times his size and his hair turned metallic silver. The groan grew as a massive wing grew out of his right shoulder, and spikes grew from his arms. The soldiers turned to run but it was too late.

    Thairen rushed past Wilhelm and disemboweled the majority of the soldiers. He turned slowly back to Wilhelm, his blood red eyes staring on with sinister intent. Gore dripped from his hands and he let off a deep, intimidating laugh. “You aren’t ready, wolf, come find me later, when you think you have the strength. Next time don’t embarrass me with such meager numbers” He turned and leapt away, leaving Wilhelm alone in the bloody surroundings.
    *******

    Torches aligned on either side of the narrow hallway shined as Zaine and six elders made their way to the ritual room. It was finally time for the ceremony and Zaine was nervous. He hoped the snake god would hear and accept his plea, but he wasn’t exactly sure what was going to happen. They reached the end of the hall and entered the ritual room. In the middle was an alter with six circles around it. The walls looked wet with something, but Zaine had no idea what it could be. There was very little decoration in the big, dark room, just a statue of a snake man. It was modeled after Zah-lif, their god.

    “It is time, Zaine.” Said Richard, scratching himself under the black wool cloak. “Be careful, this ritual isn’t supposed to be performed on any soul under twenty, but since you believe that you need to go in so badly… three years shouldn’t affect you too badly. Just be wary that you’ll be very sick and sore when you return to reality. Are you sure you still want to do this… and are you ready?”

    Zaine nodded and motioned for them to start the ritual. Zaine jumped up onto the altar. He knew a little about how the ritual was performed and that he would leave with enhanced senses but beyond that he didn’t have a clue what seeing Zah-lif would be like. He drew his sword and placed it over his heart. The six elders entered their perspective circle and started a slow, melodic chant. Zaine felt himself falling into sleep. He felt what seemed to be a door opening in his mind before blackness enveloped him.

    “Awaken, my child.” An eerie voice called out to him. Zaine opened his eyes to see a large, brightly lit room. In the center stood Zah-lif. He was much larger than the statue portrayed. Scales covered his entire body. His neck had a hood like a cobra and his eyes were like a snake's. Zaine wanted to speak, but the god’s overwhelming presence stopped him from speaking. “Why are you here, child? What buisnesssss do you have with me?”

    “Za… Zah-lif. I have come to ask for inheritance and a blessing of your power. A great force threatens your people. I have heard that I can prevent our army from being destroyed by something very evil.” Zah-lif looked Zaine up and down slowly.

    “Why should I blessss you with power just because you say you can save my forcessss?
    What will you do in return for me?” He folded his scaled arms in wait for an answer.

    Zaine knew this was part of the test he was going to undertake, so he answered the best he could. “After I save our people and army, I will journey for you. If you have something you need or want, I’ll get it. Or if you need someone or something destroyed, I’m in your command. I just won’t destroy anything I love and I won’t do anything immoral.”

    Zah-lif was silent for awhile, weighing Zaine’s answer. “How will I know you can complete my tasks for me?”

    “My father is the general of the army, he taught me since I was very young in the art of sword and knife fighting. I’m quite skilled with throwing daggers as well.”

    “Hmmm, interesssting.” Zah-lif waved his arm out and a black shadow appeared next to him, which materialized into a war orc. “Defeat him, and I’ll believe you have what it takes and will bless you. Lose, and you’ll die.” With another wave of his arm, the orc charged, his battleaxe swinging for Zaine’s throat.

    Zaine ducked low and pulled his sword, waiting in mid-croutch for the orc to make its next move. The orc swung his axe wildly in an arch and Zaine blocked. He rolled and pulled a small knife from his boot and hurled it into the orc’s right wrist, destroying its hold on the axe. It growled hellishly and switched hands. Zaine knew it was still a formidable foe, but a lot less dangerous with its off-hand. Zaine pulled his twelve inch, curved silver dagger; which was his favorite weapon, and readied for the next attack. He blocked the orc’s pitiful swing and slashed it across the chest, blood gushed from the open wound. The orc screamed and rushed, Zaine rolled to the left then right, slashing its thighs and achilles tendons. The orc dropped to its knees and roared in agony. Zaine slit its throat to end the annoying screams.
    Booming claps filled the room as Zah-lif smiled.

    “Congratulationssss, boy. You will do good things for me. Close your eyesss now, and accept my blesssing. When you complete the mission of saving the army, your task will make itssself known to you. Before you rush to the armiesss ssside though, you have to find aide to help you. There are sssome wanderersss around. You must achieve their aide if you hope to ssstand a chance. I’d recommend withdrawing the army and drawing everyone back to the sssecret ssanctum. The leader of Thanosec, Wilhelm, is a werewolf. You’d do well not to underessstimate him.”

    Zaine thanked Zah-lif and closed his eyes. He felt a terrifying rush of power and heat before he dropped to his knees. His skin felt like it was burning off before the darkness and calm overwhelmed him.
    ********
    “General Reinbach, the orcs just keep coming. We’re a great army but we can only handle so much.”

    Reinbach sat in his chair thinking. It was his first rest in three days. “We need to find a canyon or ravine. Something to narrow the fight so we can stand a chance against their numbers. I’m afraid to say it, but we may need to fall back to Ishgar, there may be a path off the main road we can utilize. Let everyone know, we leave as soon as the attack slows.”

    “Yes general, right away.” The messenger left and Reinbach let out a sigh.

    “Zaine, please be safe, don’t try to come help like I know you’ll try.” He hung his head back and fell asleep instantly. The few hours of sleep he had the chance for would recharge his energy a little. At least enough so he could move without the fear of falling from exhaustion.
    ********
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2008
  6. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

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    Much better with the spacing. Thairen is one cool character, looking forward to reading more about him.
     
  7. Thairen

    Thairen Wayward Demon

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    Yeah, I though about making Thairen the main character, but when I started the story I decided since he was a demon and I wanted some good stuff to happen that Zaine and Hailey would become the main characters. Zaine is actually one of my favorites, but obviously, Thairen took the cake... considering my name haha. Thanks for the compliments Dragn9