The smith of Norana's bane

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Nokom, Jun 3, 2006.

  1. Nokom

    Nokom New Member

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    In the city of Norana's bane lived a smith.The smith was a hard working man.Near his shop lived a noble man.In his home he had many books and a rug made of bear fur.He treated richs as if they were nothing more but trash.He had a room filled with gold,great ruby stones and many furs of wild things.One night the smith saw the noble leave to the tavern.the smith walked to the back of the nobles home,and,finding the door open walked in.After looking around the home in awe,he found his way in to the room filled with gold.He then stuffed his shirt with rubys and gold.On his way put he saw a room filled with many books.He picked up as many as he could and ran.He then got back to his shop safely.He now had so much richs that he could live a life as a noble and never work again.For the next few nights he retruned to the nobles house and got as much as he dared and ran in the dark back to his shop.One day he sold it all to a rich man coming from a far away town.He was now rich.But he could not stop.He wanted more,and more,and still more.It had been two years since he had first started.He robed the noble blind until the noble was just a man liveing in a hut.The smith now lived in his home.He still wanted more!one night he enterd the king's keep.He found his way to the room where the tax money was.He stuffed his shirt and ran out.But then he saw the king's bed room.He enterd.The king was asleep in a bed made of pure gold.He had swords and axes made of gold.And even boxs filled with rubys and gold.The smith got as much as he could hold and left.The next day the king's men found it all in his home.he was thrown in to jail to the end of his days.
     
  2. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    ......

    It was... short.... ok, i guess. It sounds like those tails that supposed to keep children away from such things as stealing.... but overall... nothing really fancy or catching.

    But, it's a good start! Especially if you're still in school. This a very good first short story. Keep trying, I'm sure you'll polish up yur writing style in no time! :)
     
  3. Nokom

    Nokom New Member

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    Well i was in a bit of a hurry.thats why its so short.I have much longer things but there all on paper.
     
  4. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    ah, i c! when you have some time, u should type out your other works! I would luv to see them. :)
     
  5. Nokom

    Nokom New Member

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    i will.
     
  6. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

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    Hey, welcome, hope you enjoy yourself. My critiques are meant to be helpful...and remember, it's all only my OPINION.

    Very troubling start, if I can be honest.

    1. Make sure to put spaces in...we want the reading experience to be pleasant.

    2. You broke a HUGE rule of writing. Show, don't tell. You're not letting us experience this, you're simply thrusting into our faces. I can't see, picture, smell, taste, or even relate to this story because it's all tell. This can be changed, especially if you're new to writing. So keep at it.

    3. All your sentences seem choppy and overly simple, another factor taking away from the feel of this piece. You need to have a little more variation between short and long.

    4. Last, but not least, is the flow of topics. You started at the smith and then a sentence later we were talking about something way different. You need to make the connection a bit more clear.

    I hate the words like "things" and "stuff" in a story, it's too vague. I'd change it to something just as suitable, like "animals"...but it's your choice.

    Should be "for"...

    Should be "noble's" and no need for the commas around "and".

    Okay...

    This is such a short short piece for so much. It doesn't make the transition from years to one paragraph very well at all. I felt rushed and very disappointed in the lack of a suitable climax. I was waiting for it to build up to something, but instead you sum it all up in one setence.

    You have a lot of work to do, you need to let us experience this story. I have no amount of loyalty to this story because you just told me what happened instead of immersing me into your world.

    Also, some repetition that could be fixed, but I'll let you pick out all those duplicates of rubys and gold.

    One last thing: A story should be driven by its characters and not its plot. (Most writers agree with this.) You had nearly no characters to speak of. Yes, you had characters in theory, but who is the smith, but a word on the page. I don't know what he looks like, have no clue what he likes.

    This seemed too rushed to me, it had no content for me to cling onto.

    I hope you keep at it and genuinely sorry if this is harsh, but I only want to help you out.