The Persuader

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by TheWarrior, Feb 26, 2009.

  1. TheWarrior

    TheWarrior The Fighters Guide House Member

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    Hello to you all.
    I just wanna post my first chapter of my story here here, and maybe get some advices and helpful tips, if i am gonna continue on it or not. Happy for every advice!:)
    (Please be gentle, i am only 15 years;)

    The Dark Persuader

    Chapter 1​
    Rolak was out on his ordinary trip in the mountains. His feet's were shaky, and his body rusten, but he went on despite it. He gathered healing blooms and berries while he walked, and he enjoyed the great nature. The skies were of purple, it was an astonishing sight. Rolak just stood on his ground a while, just to enjoying himself with everything that was around him.
    Afterwards he continued, and he went up the more difficult roads up the mountain. He felt himself in a good shape today, so he wanted to walk longer than he ever had went before. The sweat ran down his face, but he continued. The road got more upwards, and the mountain smaller in its width. He was relieved when he had gotten to the top; he had never been there before. His eyes looked down at the nature below him. The view was excellent; he saw every tree and every stone.
    Suddenly, there was something that got to his attention. He thought he heard a small voice from somewhere, so he tried to be silent to hear if it still were there. Yes, there was something, something almost unhearable, but it was there. He tried to walk past the bunch of stones that he were sitting on and downwards the mountain. The sound got stronger and stronger, and Rolak heard that it was someone that was whispering. Rolak's curiosity overwhelmed his fear; he had to know what it was. Suddenly he noticed a small cave, and he looked into it at once. There lay a skull there, a skull from a human body. It looked extremely clean to be lying in the mountains, thought Rolak as he approached it. Now could he hear the whispering clearly, it was from the skull the whispering came from. He put his ear close to it.
    - You have ssssaved me, Rolak, the skull whispered hissingly like a snake, with even not moving its mouth. The eyes of the skull glowed, a reddish and yellowish colour. Rolak's were astonished by the skull; he had never seen magic like that. He looked around, wondering if it were someone else's, and they just put the skull down here to get it later. But that could not be, they wouldn't just lay away a beautiful skull like this. A white skull, a very fine object, really. He would really fancy having one of those in his home; maybe it could come too good use to something also. He could just take it, no one would now, no one would notice. The finder is the winner, as it's been told. He lifted the skull, looking at it as it was his most precious item, and hide it underneath his jacket.
    As he walked the way down the mountainside, the skull whispered hissingly inside his jacket.
    - We will make good friendssss, Rolak.

    As the days went by, Rolak kept his skull inside his primitive home. He didn’t assume anyone would steal in the town of Quab, so he had put it above his oven. People in the town of Quab were of the humble and nice sort, they were like a family. It pleased him to sit in his wooden chair, looking at the shining skull above his great glowing fire. It made him feel like he was a great archeologist of some kind, someone that has acknowledged an epic item. The skull was his proudest achievement in his usual normal life; it pleased him to have it in his home to remind him about it.
    Rolak had often tried to talk to the skull, but it was impossible. The skull just whispered sometimes, something that had no meaning and no value too Rolak. It seemed like the skull was happy that he had found him, and Rolak often wondered if there were a soul inside of it. But he had not dared to think of breaking it, its outside were too beautiful.
    - You have done wissssely to take me with you, the skull often said. – We will make good friendssss. But Rolak did not care of it, he rather enjoyed it.
    More days went by, and he still kept it for himself. When he got visitors, he locked the skull inside his chest, so they wouldn’t steal it or ask him questions of what it was. They could might think it was something evil, that the evil would infest Quab, and that he was evil too. Rolak did not want to take that chance.
    Since Rolak had gotten the skull, he had been more and more home, and not out in the city. He just stayed home, washing dust of the skull, and admiring it’s beautiful outside while it whispered mystical and interesting riddles. He did not care of what the others in the city thought of him, he were good alone. They didn’t like him that good anyway, Rolak knew it. He saw it in their looks; it was something in Rolak they didn’t like. He felt like he didn’t need anyone, the skull gave him everything he wanted and needed, like a power of satisfaction and might.

    There was a late night in Quab, but the moon shone so it was not total darkness. In the night Quab looked different than the day. In the day it was like a paradise with green field, but in the night it looked different. The moon made the ground grayer, and shadows were created behind every tree. Rolak was just happy that he could sit inside, with his great roasting oven, locked outside from the creepy darkness, with the skull with his side.
    - The One, Rolak whispered to the skull. He had started to call the skull by name, but he had not recognized it himself. – What is in your heart tonight? He sat in his wooden chair, and slowly stretching his hand softly over the skull’s forehead. Rolak had noticed that the skull glow more when he was close to it, and it made Rolak feel that the skull was alive.
    - Ssssomeone issss lurking uoutsssside in the night, they want to take me away from you. What? Thought Rolak desperately, and ran to the window. Outside, he saw Gargo, walking on the road to his house. He wore a black coat, and a hood, but Rolak knew it was him. He and Gargo had spent much time together, but Rolak did not think of their friendship right now. He is going to take The One from me!
    - You musssst kill him, Rolak, it’ssss the only way. Rolak was quick to lock The One inside the chest, and found forth his sword from his weapon chamber. It was his best sword, a loril, a sword he bought from an elvish merchant. The sword was sharp in the edges, but it was small in its width. It had great speed and agility. As Rolak went to the door, he heard Gargo knocking on it.
    - Rolak! Are you there? I need to speak with you! Rolak felt the rage build up inside of him. Gargo tried to trick him, he knew it. He wanted to take The One from him! He opened the door, and there stood Gargo. He put his black hood slowly down, and he looked disturbed.
    - There you are Rolak, I was afraid of you; you have not shown yourself in… Why are you holding that sword, Rolak!? Gargo’s face looked scared, because he looked right in the eyes of Rolak. His eyes burned of evil fire; he looked mad and angry at the same time. Confusion and frightening blinded Gargo.
    - You have come to steal The One from me! But you are not getting it! He stepped against Gargo, and Gargo was so confused that he walked backwards; he did not maintain his balance, so he fell on the ground. Rolak lifted the sword high, and was ready to stab him.
    - Rolak! Don’t do it! I am your friend! Rolak saw the fear and the despair in Gargo’s eyes, and he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the might, he was in control. - Oh, Rolak, don’t you remember me? Gargo’s eyes turned into eyes that looked like was on the edge of crying. In a moment, Rolak seemed like he was going to put his sword down. But then, he heard someone whisper inside his soul. It was the skull, and he spoke in a so mighty and controlling way that Rolak could not control himself.
    - Finissssh him, he musssst die! Then, without thinking, Rolak lifted his sword, and with a hard and cracking blow, he crushed the sword down in Gargo. He screamed as Gargo left the world, a fierce scream that echoed out to the town. He had been infested by the skull; The One had managed to fulfill its dark prophecy. By the kill, Rolak showed that he was of dark, and that The One was in his soul..
    Now Rolak screamed more, he felt that his body was changing. His clothes exploded, because his body grew muscles of a beast. He got sharper teeth, his eyes got bigger and more disgusting, and his hair black and fluffy. He was transformed into a monster, and he felt the mightiness and the will to kill grow inside him like a burning fire. The Woods of Shadow lay in front of him, and he did not hesitate to travel there. His house was nothing now; he could conquer any other castle or kingdom with his powers. Into the woods he ran, and behind him laid the innocent body of Gargo, the first victim of Rolak’s powers.
    The age of darkness had begun.

    (I know it's a lot like Lotr when Bilbo got mad of the ring, but anyway, it has it's differences.)
     
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  2. Black Tattoo

    Black Tattoo The Corruptor

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    First, I'd like to say my compliments to you on this undertaking. It sounds like you have a solid basis for a very good plot here although I do see where the similarities to LotR might be seen. Still, you have enough lee-way to really make it your own. I like your descriptiveness very much. I can't say enough about it; that in and of itself is really well done in my opinion. I sincerely hope you do continue to write on this.

    My advice:

    KEEP WRITING! :)
     
  3. TheWarrior

    TheWarrior The Fighters Guide House Member

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    I will, thanks:)
     
  4. Black Tattoo

    Black Tattoo The Corruptor

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    Most welcome :D