The Mistress of the Sands

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Dephere, May 22, 2006.

  1. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2006
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Central Coast, California
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    EDIT - Sorry, but this has officially been sent off to my publisher, so I can't have it posted.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2006
  2. Titania

    Titania New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2006
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    The Frozen North (aka Alaska)
    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    That semicolon should be a comma. (I'm almost positive I've said that before :))

    To be perfectly honest something about the last part of that sentence bothers me. I think it's because you go from the (melo)drama of 'harboring the woes of mankind' and after that, it seems like it should continue upwards (more powerful, or dramatic) before the next sentence but instead it's a letdown to simply hear of quicksand. I'm not sure. I don't remember that sentence from the original.

    I still love this piece...

    It's unclear here whether 'she' in the 2nd sentence is the goddess or the Mistress. From what else I've read and a bit of context I'm pretty sure it's meant to be Hessena, but it's not clear.

    Okay, that's all I saw this time around. You've heard my opinions on this, but for the sake of an example: I thought you did a very good job with the descriptions at the beginning, really painting an image, and the third paragraph was a very nice bit of characterization. It's an abrupt stopping point, although that's somewhat to be expected. Nice work :)
     
  3. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2006
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Central Coast, California
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Hey Tit! Thanks...sorry it took me a while to get back to this, it's been busy lately.

    I guess I must have forgotten to change that semi-colon, silly me...and I will try to fix the other two things.

    I always appreciate the feedback and will get to your Ennead ASAP! :D
     
  4. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,787
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    somewhere... and Canada (eh?)
    Ratings:
    +21 / 0 / -0
    … sweeeet….. wow… such detailed descriptions… so… so powerful… I can picture The Mistress so clearly in my mind…. And how sad she is… Mossimo… although you haven’t described him except through the tear-filled eyes of The Mistress, I would still like to get my hands around his neck for whatever he did to break her heart. Yup… that’s just how powerful this is…. Amazing!!!

    (please write more!!!!)
     
  5. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2006
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Central Coast, California
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Hey thanks a lot for the compliments, Nizati! I'm so glad to hear that you liked it and I do indeed have more of this. I've finished the entire prolgue, which is actually pretty long. I'll be posting more in a while....
     
  6. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,787
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    somewhere... and Canada (eh?)
    Ratings:
    +21 / 0 / -0
    you took it off?!?!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU!!! *runs away, crying*
     
  7. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2006
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Central Coast, California
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    lol. I had to, if I didn't my publisher might get a little mad at me. :D

    I'm glad you liked it enough to cry....does that make me a bad person?
     
  8. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,787
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    somewhere... and Canada (eh?)
    Ratings:
    +21 / 0 / -0
    lol, no it is meant as a compliment.... but... can't u post something else then? (or... is there any chance u could put it back??)
     
  9. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2006
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Central Coast, California
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Well, when I get input from her I'll let you know, I might be able to post the whole thing if she doesn't think it fits. I'm hoping that won't be the case though.

    I could post something else, but the only thing I have left is my old fantasy, which is about twenty times worse than this. Well, IMO. I have some realism...but this is a fantasy forum.

    I'll just post my old one, I guess.