The Lost Queen---your thoughts are welcome on a new fantasy heroine!

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Sirius Orion, Aug 14, 2013.

  1. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    Hello TFF!! It is a pleasure to be a newcomer here, and I look forward to great experiences with the community!

    I come bearing gifts---Lol! I introduce to you here a novel which I have written, the first of a seven-book series titled "The Lost Queen." This story is a set a in magical land known as 'The Land of Enchanted Timbers'. It follows a magical nymph named Iona, through a myriad of adventures and magical experiences on her quest to find The Lost Queen. This novel will be published and available to the public sometime around the New Year 2014. I am excited to begin sharing Iona's story with all of you, and look forward to a dynamic dialogue between us about this unique heroine's character.

    Please enjoy the paragraph's below from chapter one of The Lost Queen:

    (1) THE DREAM

    It was the end of the longest day of her life. Things that had never happened to some nymphs in a thousand years had all happened to Iona in one day. Her life was never quite boring for lack of a better word, but that day had been the king of them yet. It had all begun with the surreal night visions that Iona had awakened from early that previous, fateful morning.

    In the cryptic, prophetic dream, the Deities of the Great Merge Fecund Festival had turned into horrid dragons that were feeding on nymph cocoons. The faces of the young nymphs Shara, Byla and Liani, had contorted from their normal youth and beauty into dried, prune-like carcasses. Satyr horns were growing from Iona’s abdomen. Her fingers kept turning into water lizards and Elder Idella kept cutting them off and they would grow right back in place. A two-headed unicorn gave her six Black Zodae berries and ominously told her to eat them if she were to find the Lost Queen.

    The dreams had woken Iona in a confounded sweat earlier that fateful morning. She was so shaken by the warped visions that she got up from her sleeping pallet many ticks before the drying of the first morning dew. Unable to rest or eat, she dressed in her ‘wood wear’ skins, for she knew she would need to visit the Valley of the Grove that day to think the strange dream through. She had slipped behind the nooks of the colony just before leaving Crystal Orchard for the Valley of the Grove, to spend a quick tick in the counsel of Elder Nora.

    Iona was one of the select few third generation nymphs who knew about the secret tunnels that lie hidden behind the colony’s residential living quarters. Actually, she was the only third generation nymph who knew about them. Some of the older nymphs had knowledge of the ancient hidden passageways of Crystal Orchard, but most of the ones who did either rarely or never used them, so what they did know about the passageways was more or less theoretical anyway.

    Many of the Elders themselves had no knowledge of the passageways that lead from their very dwellings throughout various places within the orchard and beyond. Iona though, unlike the others who knew about them, was not told about the passageways, but instead had found out about them by way of her own instincts and exploration. Elder Nora was the only one in the entire colony who knew that Iona knew about and actually used the passageways quite regularly, especially for her and Iona’s very private and frequent secret meetings.

    Elder Nora was not the Head of the Elder Council like Idella, but she was the eldest of all the elders and one of the few who hadn’t turned on Iona. Iona winded the secret passageway to Elder Nora’s dwelling in a hurry and whistled the password at its entrance.

    Elder Nora opened the door to the narrow hole with one hand, as she used her other hand to puff the smoking Juju leaf she had rolled up and was hanging loosely from the corner of her mouth. A cloud of thick blue smoke slapped Iona in the face as she choked herself onto the dwelling floor. “’Bout time ‘ya got here little one, the slosh is gettin’ cold!” Elder Nora hovered over Iona as she stood there puffing on her Juju leaf. “Com’ on get up now and tell me all about it so’s I can send ya' on errands before da' ole’ bitty’s get here!”

    “Ate six Black Zodae berries, huh? One will do the trick easy, but six? Hmmm…that’s enough to kill half the orchard!” Elder Nora commented, while puffing on her smoking Juju leaf, as Iona went on about her dream. “Sounds ta’ me like ya' got yerself a case o’ the Satyr scaries.” Elder Nora finally declared numbly. Iona looked at Elder Nora, puzzled. “That’s it? Satyr scaries'? That’s all you got for me? Come on Elder Nora? You know there ain’t much that can scare me---This is something deeper and more serious, I know it. I can feel it! And what is the...what does a ‘lost queen’ have to do with anything?” Iona sort of asked rhetorically, as she stared distantly into the floor.

    Elder Nora raised a concerned eyebrow then asked “Who told you about the ‘Lost Queen’?” Iona looked up and replied. “I told you about the two-headed unicorn…” Elder Nora sharply cut her off “Now don’t imp around with me! I asked you who told you about the Lost Queen!” Elder Nora scolded seriously. Iona grasped that Elder Nora’s concern was severe. “No one, I promise! I just told you everything I know because I need to know something about what this dream is trying to tell me!” Elder Nora likewise gathered how serious Iona was about interpreting her dream.

    Elder Nora sat the Juju leaf in its smoking dish and doused it with the remaining bit of slosh that was cooling in the bottom of her mug. She put her fingers to her temples and began to massage them in tiny little circles. “Well, traditionally, the Black Zodae berries are used to ward off the Satyrs when it is in season, as you already know, and yes, they are very poisonous to us nymphs. Hmmm…And you say Satyr horns were growing through your abdomen?” Elder Nora paused in deep contemplation before giving her opinion. “I think that it is a warning for you to stay out of the Valley of the Grove until the first budding of the Black Zodae; it maybe that some Satyrs are going to attack you if you do.”

     
  2. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    CHAPTER 1 'THE DREAM,' Continued:

    Iona shuddered within herself; Crystal Orchard hadn’t been victimized by Satyrs in quite a long while. No one other than Iona had ever dared to venture beyond the orchard grounds into the Valley of the Grove, because everyone assumed that that was where all the Satyrs who used to plague the orchard, had mysteriously disappeared to.

    Iona had originally intended to be on her way to the Valley of the Grove after she had finished speaking with Elder Nora. Being told she needed to stay away wasn’t what she wanted to hear at that moment. Elder Nora’s interpretation had more guesswork in it than Iona was looking for and it didn’t serve to satisfy Iona’s desire to solve the riddle her dream had posed. Iona decided to prod Elder Nora for answers that she knew Elder Nora wouldn’t be guessing about.

    “Ok. What about the Lost Queen then?” Iona asked cautiously. Elder Nora took in a deep breath and eyed Iona with a hint of annoyance. “You; Iona; you just are truly something else aren’t you? There is just nothing that can be kept secret from you it seems. My child, it is said that curiosity killed the cat and I am beginning to worry about you. Haven’t you stumbled upon enough forbidden information as it is? You keep poking around like this and you are going to find more than you bargained for. You know I support you and love you as you are and always have, but dearie, I think it best you quit while you are ahead and start to focus on the things that a nymph your age should, like getting ready for the Merge Fecund or something.”

    Iona didn’t like anything she was hearing. Contrary to popular opinion, Iona did not go looking for things to snoop around about and get into. She was plagued from within with the curse of being able to see what others didn’t and to know what others couldn’t. She didn’t ask for these intuitions and visions, they just came to her. And if she didn’t follow up on them, they would not leave her alone and would nag her until she did. How could she possibly explain something that she knew no one could ever understand unless they themselves had experienced it? Iona revered Elder Nora with the highest esteem and did not want to offend her, so she thought of a humble way to get around her objections.

    “Elder Nora, you know I don’t go looking for this stuff; it just comes to me! If I could stop my mind from giving me these visions, believe me, I would! But I can’t Elder Nora; I can’t stop this! If only you could see the things I see and feel the things I feel, you would know that this is something greater than me and it is happening for a reason. Something is happening and the True Gods have everything to do with it. I don’t know why they keep revealing these things to me, but it has to be for a reason and I can’t rest until I know what that reason is! Just help me Elder Nora; don’t judge me or fear for me, just trust that I know what I am doing and this will all turn out for the better in the end, please Elder Nora?” Iona anxiously implored.

    Elder Nora’s dwelling fell silent at Iona’s plea, as both Iona and Elder Nora let her words settle in. Iona broke the short silence. “I didn’t even expect the part of my dream about the Lost Queen to have any real significance, but you just let me know that it has. Please tell me what you know about it Elder Nora; you just have to?” Elder Nora had no defense against Iona’s cries, so she conceded.

    Elder Nora got up from her seat and checked about her dwelling around the windows and entrances, to be sure no was hanging around that might eavesdrop on their conversation. After assuring herself that the coast was clear, Elder Nora leaned close to Iona and lightly whispered in a barely audible voice. “It is forbidden to speak of the tale of the Lost Queen. If anyone ever found out I told you about this, I could be made to suffer the unthinkable. But I do agree that the True Gods are definitely working with you because it is impossible for you to know and have learned all that you have without them, so for the sake of the True Gods, I will help you, Iona.”

    Elder Nora reared back a little and looked Iona in her eyes, then started shaking her head and smiling. “Well, this is yet another of the 'Un-speakables’ upon which you’ve serendipitously stumbled, my dear Iona. Let’s see now…we’ve got the secret of the ‘Salutation Fruit,’ which if I recall correctly, is the very thing that got you permanently barred from participating in the Merge Fecund Salutation festivities outside of doing chores;” Elder Nora raised her eyebrow in a comical gesture of feigned severity. Iona dropped her head slightly, in a blushing little grin, as Elder Nora continued.

    “Ah, then there’s the ancient forgotten nymph language known as ‘Mind Speak’; who would’ve thought you would figure that one out on your own, huh? And let’s not forget of course about the ancient Passageways and Words; and now this… Well my young nymph, it must be written of you then!” Elder Nora eyed Iona with great wonder and respect, as she proceeded to unfold a little bit more of the mystery unto Iona’s eager ears.

    “It is rumored of ancient times that the nymphs of Crystal Orchard were once governed by a great, beautiful and glorious Queen, to whom we now refer as ‘The Lost Queen.’ It is said that when she reigned, there was peace throughout all the lands, even far beyond Crystal Orchard and the Land of Enchanted Timbers. There was no Merge Fecund Salutation during the Queen’s time. They say the queen had magical powers which dwarf those we nymphs have today. She had the power to control the mating of all living creatures and we didn’t need The Deities. We reproduced amongst ourselves in due season and the balance of nature was maintained.

    It has also been said that Satyrs and Nymphs were at peace in the Queen’s time. That the whispering vines really whispered and unicorns would fertilize the groves and orchards in the different valleys for us, so we nymphs wouldn’t have to use our magic to feed ourselves. We could roam freely in the wild on the backs of unicorns for they would keep us out of harm’s way and safely return us home, to the Queen, at journey’s end. We communed with other nymph colonies and were not isolated to only ourselves.

    The dwellings of the Elders and the nooks in the colony were not our homes. The Weeping Hallow trees were with us wherever we went and nurtured our homely needs. Legend has it they could walk and talk with us…” Elder Nora’s words trailed off.

    Iona was speechless. Wow. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was as though someone had been inside her mind and had just recounted years of her own crazy daydreams and loony imaginings back to her, word for word, as if they had been recorded somehow. ‘Who could’ve told her these things?’ Iona asked herself, for she had told no one, not even Byla or Ilya about the myriad of strange thoughts and visions she had always been privy to.

    Although Elder Nora could tell what her pupil was thinking, she said nothing else. She began rolling another Juju leaf. “What happened to her? How did we end up like we are now?” Iona wondered concerning the ‘Lost Queen’. Elder Nora used her twinkle fink magic to light her smoke and took a long deep puff. She responded with a cloud of blue smoke “Well my dear, I told you about the ‘Queen’ part of the tale. The answer to your question is where the ‘Lost’ part of the story comes in.”

    It all sounded so natural, so real and so believable and it made so much sense to Iona, that she wondered why she had never heard anything about the Lost Queen before. It explained a lot about why everything was so abstract, aloof and mysterious in Crystal Orchard. Crystal Orchard was but a small territory that resided within the greater province of the Land of Enchanted Timbers, and Iona could never understand why its inhabitants would never venture out to the other areas within the rest of the province. It sounded as though Iona would have fit in a lot better around the old Crystal Orchard when the Queen reigned, than she did in the Crystal Orchard she had grown up in and would shortly be banished from.

    Iona gleamed with excitement and intrigue as she faced Elder Nora. Taking in her portly, eccentric character, Iona wondered how much more wisdom was old Elder Nora hiding up there in that hefty noggin of hers. The question that surfaced the strongest in Iona’s mind, found its way out of her mouth. “Why have I never heard anything about the Queen before, Elder Nora? Who else besides you knows about the story?”

    Elder Nora saw that one coming and she hesitated. Iona had caused Elder Nora to jeopardize her position on the council many times, by breaking the oath of secrecy, but Iona had never broken the confidence that was shared between Elder Nora and herself and no one was ever the wiser about all that Iona had been learning with Elder Nora’s help. But she felt they were treading into dangerous waters with this one and she needed a little reassurance. “Iona, you have done well with keeping silent up until now and you have earned my trust, but some things are best left un-said. I have already told you more than enough of what you need to know right now; work with what you have, ok my dear?”
     
  3. Emerlas

    Emerlas Emerz

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    wow that is awesome!
    I love all the talented new writer's that we are getting on TFF
    great story Sirius
    more!!
     
  4. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    Thank you so much!!! Just for you---here is more of the story....

    CHAPTER 1 'THE DREAM,' Continued:

    It was worth a shot, Iona thought. She couldn’t deny that Elder Nora had already told her more than she had ever imagined she would anyway. Elder Nora hurried up from her seat and prepared to leave her dwelling for a council meeting she had to attend and Iona picked up on Elder Nora’s sly way of telling her that it was time for Iona to leave her dwelling.

    As Iona went for the door to the secret passageway, Elder Nora reminded her about the warning. “Iona, I know you aren’t headed to the Valley of the Grove are you? I think you should just stay out of there for now!” With one foot in the passageway and one in the dwelling, Iona looked back at Elder Nora with a quirky smirk and answered her. “Well, based on what you just told me about the Lost Queen, since Satyrs and Nymphs did get along at one time, I don’t think there’ll be much to worry about in the way of an attack.” And she swiftly sprinted down the passageway, as she heard the faint echo of Elder Nora yelling the words “Don’t go into the Valley today Iona!”

    Elder Nora knew she was shouting in vain, because she had seen that look in Iona’s eyes too many times before. What Elder Nora didn’t know, was that the discussion she and Iona had been having had taken up more time than she realized. She was late for her council meeting and Elder Idella had sent Shara to fetch her and be sure that she was ok, as it was very uncommon for Elder Nora to be late for anything.

    Shara was walking up to Elder Nora’s front door just as she was calling out after Iona about not going in to Valley of the Grove, and Shara over heard what Elder Nora had yelled to Iona. Shara waited a little before knocking on Elder Nora’s door and as they were walking over to the Council Quarters, Elder Nora was completely unaware of what she had haphazardly set in motion due to Shara’s eavesdropping.

    After leaving Elder Nora at the Council Quarters, Shara went and gathered her little buddies Tyla, Liani, Nessa and Kyla. It only took her the walk from Elder Nora’s dwelling to the Council Quarters for her to devise her scheme against Iona. She was ecstatic about finally learning Iona’s mysterious whereabouts during many unexplained absences on many mornings and afternoons, and she now was armed with the vital knowledge of how Iona was getting out of the colony unnoticed and where she had been sneaking off to on all of those unexplained occasions.

    On numerous occasions, Shara would notice that Iona would not answer her door nor be anywhere on the colony grounds when Shara sought after her. She had long held suspicions about what Iona might be doing, but she could never confirm them. When she would question Ilya and Byla about where Iona might be, they would always say that Iona must be sleeping and didn’t hear the door. Shara had known better and one day, she decided to break into Iona’s nook. When she did not find Iona inside, Shara burned all of Iona’s clothes as a way of sending a message to her, to let Iona know that Shara was on to her.

    Just as Elder Nora compromised the Oath of Secrecy to Iona, Elder Idella had done the same with Shara. Idella was grooming Shara to eventually succeed her on the council and had told her about the secret passageways on a particular occasion. Now Elder Idella didn’t know as much about the passageways as Iona did, due to Iona’s extensive explorations, but what she did know, Elder Idella passed on to Shara.

    Shara was aware of the existence of the passageways that lead from the Elder dwellings to just outside of the Crystal Orchard perimeter into the Valley of the Grove. And when she overheard Elder Nora yelling to Iona, she knew exactly where to be to catch Iona coming out of the passageway and follow her into the Valley of the Grove.

    Iona was right about not being afraid to go into the Valley of the Grove for fear of being mauled by a satyr, but had she heeded Elder Nora’s warning, the disastrous incident that eventually transpired between herself, Kyla, Shara and the others and inevitably resulted in Iona’s exile, might have been avoided altogether. But then again, you can’t cheat destiny or postpone the inevitable, as everything happens for a reason.

    END OF CHAPTER 1​
     
  5. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I'm going to read this as soon as possible. Looks promising! :)
     
  6. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    That means a lot coming from you...thank you for taking time out to comment!
     
  7. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Thanks :)

    OK, so I've read what you've posted so far and I can safely say that I really enjoyed it! :)

    I did find the beginning a little full of created names, which is generally counselled against, as it's easier for the reader to jump into a story without needing to remember all these names of people, places, creatures, flora, etc.

    Once it got going though, I was hooked and I now need to know more about Iona and Elder Nora.

    The one last bit that I have to criticise (sorry) is that the portrayal of Shara's feelings for Iona and Elder Nora, as well as her help from another Elder, seems a bit abrupt and in your face. I get it that you want the reader to know all about it, but I just find it weird to be told: “Here's Iona's enemy, this is what she thinks and what's she'll do.”


    Oh and a fun little fact: Iona island is where Christianity arrived in Scotland, coming from Ireland. It's a small island off the West Coast of Scotland and houses the great Iona Abbey. It's a very nice place :)
     
  8. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    Wow! Awesome fact! Thank you!! I salivate over little tidbits of knowledge like that :)

    I appreciate the pointers and constructive criticism. Unfortunately I shall not have the opportunity to incorporate these tips into the book, since it is already in the process of being published. But I will keep all of this in mind as I am writing the next book in the series, which I shall begin working on quite soon...

    I love Irish and Scottish lore and myth by the way, Druids and all!!! Keep it coming!! :)
     
  9. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I don't think that it's too much of a problem as a part of a whole book: the reason it stood out so much to me is that we only have this sample of course :)
    I'm sure that with the whole book, it would feel more natural and would stand out so much, becoming a more important part of the story in that context.

    Oh Scottish and Irish lore! Just love them!
     
  10. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    I see you are just going to tease more of this story out of me, no matter how hard I try to resist---darned the power of the Druid! :) He made me do it....


    CHAPTER 2--- Kyla’s Fall

    “Why can’t she just be normal like the rest of us?” Shara cried out, as they watched Iona frolicking in the stream with the little river creatures. They had been following Iona since just after she left Elder Nora’s dwelling, but Iona was totally unaware anyone was watching her. “I don’t think she’ll make it through the Merge Fecund Festivities.” Tyla giggled. Just as the words left Tyla’s mouth, Iona picked a water lizard up from the stream and planted a slurping kiss on its head, causing the other nymphs to break out laughing. The nymphs were so amused by Iona’s love of river creatures that their laughter grew loud enough to echo across the entire grove.

    Iona lifted her head and turned toward the direction of the other nymphs’ laughter. She stood motionless, tuning into the sounds as she could just barely make out their voices. As she listened, she recognized one of the voices distinctly. She turned and climbed out of the stream calling Shara’s name as she sprinted up the side of the hill toward the thicket that they were hiding behind. “Shara?” she yelled. “Shara is that you? Who’s with you?”

    The other nymphs didn’t hear Iona over their noisy laughter as she approached them. Iona decided to surprise the little bunch by stealthily sneaking up on them. She moved quickly and gracefully as she nimbly made her way up to the patch of brush surrounding the small clearing where the other nymphs were. When Iona popped out from behind the thicket, she startled the other nymphs so much so, that one of them lost her footing and began tumbling right into and through the surrounding bushes, down the hillside toward the stream.

    “Kyla!” Iona screamed. Before the other girls could gather themselves and realize what was happening, Iona was already darting down the hill after her. Iona leapt into the air and swiftly locked her legs around an outstretched old vine protruding from the side of the hill, as the rest of her body swung down toward the stream. She reached into the air with all her might and desperately grasped Kyla’s ankle, along with a piece of her tunic, as both of the nymphs falling weight slammed them heavily into the side of the hill.

    Kyla let out a choked scream. Everything in the grove halted. Before she could panic any further, Iona admonished Kyla to pull herself up to reach Iona’s hands and climb back up the hill using Iona’s body as a ladder. Kyla reached up to Iona’s hand and grabbed it. Iona tightened her legs around the vine she was anchored to and thrust Kyla up and over her head onto her backside. Kyla planted her foot into Iona’s back and scarcely made her way back up to the top of the hill.

    Shara, Tyla, Liani and Nessa helped Kyla climb over the top of the hill’s edge and sat her down to comfort her. “Are you ok?” “Is anything hurt?” “What happened?” “Can you walk?” They questioned eagerly, oblivious to the fact that Iona had just saved her and was still hanging down the side of the hill by her legs.

    Iona grudgingly pulled herself up. Tattered and bruised she walked up to the girls and stood there. When they noticed her again they all gave a questionable frown and fell silent. It had all happened so suddenly that for a fleeting moment, everyone was at a loss for what had just occurred. As the shock subsided and everything came back to life around them, Iona found herself the object of five uncomfortable sets of staring eyes.

    More was said in their silence than all that was heard in the noise of the preceding laughter. Iona surveyed the immediate surroundings, taking an account of where the girls were situated. She stood where she had found them when she was seeking their laughter and she knew they had been spying on her. A queer smile crept across Iona’s face and with it, she broke the awkward silence.

    “So Shara, can I get in on the big joke? It must be a really good one to have you guys laughing that hard?” she queried impishly. The girls looked at each other and then turned to look at Shara. “Oh it wouldn’t be funny to you.” Shara nonchalantly rebutted. “And just what makes you say that? Well, why don’t you tell it to me then and see if I find it funny or not?” Iona asked. Shara shot Tyla a condescending glance. The girls gave each other a knowing smirk before Shara returned her gaze to Iona. Her eyes narrowed to a slither as she tilted her head back in haughty revel. Facetious tones evident in her voice as she answered Iona “You don’t like what we like and you don’t like to do what we like to do, so we know our jokes aren’t funny to you.” The two nymphs eyed each other sternly. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Iona asked crossly.

    Shara looked Iona up and down and retorted in a snotty manner “Look at you Iona; you’re nothing like the rest of us. Look at how you dress; the way you talk; you make friends with bugs and trees and lizards. You act like the Merge Fecund isn’t even coming. Are you even a nymph? What are you? You can’t be from Crystal Orchard behaving the way you do.” Although she already knew the girls felt that way about her, Iona still found it quite disheartening to hear it directly from the horse’s mouth. It stung and it stung deeply. The pain reached into the depths of her heart and awakened a bitter leviathan of a wound.

    Iona loosed her vision to take in the sight of all five nymphs at once. Shara and Tyla were on either side of Kyla. Liani was sitting to Shara’s right and Nessa was sitting to Tyla’s left. She then shifted her gaze to herself. Though she hated to admit it, there was indeed a sharp contrast between her appearance and that of the other nymphs. Shara wore a dark purple tunic that complimented her deep violet eyes and bluish hair. Liani and Nessa both sported bright yellow tunics to coordinate with their light reddish-brown hair and hazel eyes. Tyla’s eyes were a luminous green a few shades lighter than the tint of her hair and the olive colored garment of her choice blended in well with both, while Kyla’s large innocent black eyes and dark hair were complimented nicely by the now tattered magenta tunic hanging wretchedly from her petite form.

    Their hair was adorned with beads and shells and braided exotically around their heads in various flowing designs. Their skin was shiny and luminous and fragranced of lavender oils and lilac tincture. All of them wore open laced sandals which were adorned with tiny jewels that made a beautiful sparkling spiral design when the laces were tied around their legs.

    Upon taking an inventory of her own appearance, Iona chuckled quietly to herself. She had a pair of raw hide moccasins on her feet. A vest and knee length trousers made of another type if dull brown furry animal skin clung to her torso. A thick thread of string tied her hair into one lock which was intertwined along the length of her ponytail and wrapped around her head in the shape of a skull cap so that only a few tendrils escaped to hang freely from her head. Her nails had a bed of earth beneath them and she had a myriad of old and new scars all over her body, some of which bore a mix of fresh blood, mud, thicket and shrub from Kyla’s breathtaking rescue. Her skin was sort of dull and a little tougher than the other nymphs. Iona’s scent might be considered a little on the musky side, for she rarely bathed with perfumed oils like the other nymphs, because she preferred to bathe in the natural waters of the springs and rivers. The scented baths prepared in the confines of the colony by most of the other nymphs were a luxury in which Iona rarely found herself indulging.

    Iona’s eyes and hair were most unique in contrast to the rest of the nymph’s in the colony. Her eyes were a luminescent auburn speckled with tints of gold, red and violet that twinkled and danced in the light of the sun. No one in the colony ever held Iona’s stare for long because of the unfamiliar and eerie sensation of being somehow naked and vulnerable that pierced through any nymph she graced attention upon. Her hair was a full mane of course, long, thick and flowing locks of auburn coils that mirrored the color-play of her eyes in the sunlight. Her facial features were feminine but firm, sexy while yet exhibiting strength and power along with voluptuousness.
     
  11. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Haha, wow thank you Sirius! :)

    I'll read that very soon and get back to you about it. You do know that you'll need to tell me when your book is published, right? :D
     
  12. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    My pleasure dear Druid :)

    You would say something like that now wouldn't you??
     
  13. Emerlas

    Emerlas Emerz

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    This is awesome!!
    I wish I could write like this
    you are very talented Sirius
    extremely talented!
    :D
     
  14. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Haha, I do want to know what happens! :)

    I read through it and really enjoyed this next instalment. I think that the way that you portrayed the relationship between Iona and the others, as well as the way both parties think of themselves is really good!

    However, I did not manage to follow the point when she saves Kyla, finding it quite confusing. I think that there is quite a lot of detailed information to deal with there, which made it very difficult for me to picture it in my mind.

    I also noticed that in the 5th paragraph, there is a weird choice of vocabulary: “admonished” and “scarcely”.
    Later on, you also used “slither” instead of “sliver”.
    I may have noticed other small mistakes, but none that really stood out much.

    Overall I have to say that I do want to see more and that you are developing Iona's character and the way she fits into the world around her very well.
     
  15. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    Thank you Emerz!!!!! :D
     
  16. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    The version I am posting from is the unedited version. The edited version has corrected much of this I'm sure, but you're getting the privy "raw" version of this story. My writing does tend to pack a lot of punch for the amount of sentences I use, but the overall story will carry you through the parts you may have difficulty understanding.

    I'm so glad you are enjoying the adventure! :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2013
  17. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    CHAPTER 2---'Kyla’s Fall' continued:

    Despite these obvious dissimilarities, Iona felt the pang of Shara’s scornful comments as an insult added to injury. The hurt quickly morphed into indignation, which ignited Iona’s tempestuous inner fire. “Well, since it appears we are a little different from one another, you wanna know what I do think is funny? I think it’s funny that if I wasn’t such an alien in my own land, our dear Kyla would no longer be with us now, would she? You all didn’t budge or let a hair out of place to help Kyla as she was falling to her death. Which reminds me, Kyla, I haven’t heard a word from you edgewise, thank you or no; After all this, do you feel the same way about me as they do?” Iona questioned, while fixing her eyes on Kyla.

    Visibly disheveled from her near death plunge, Kyla’s eyes darted nervously from side to side as all eyes were on her. Her tunic was ripped and ragged with long swipes of smudged dirt all over it. Her hair had come part undone and one of her sandals was hanging from her calf. Her legs, arms and face bore scrapes and bruises where the thorns and rocks had gashed her during her fall. She was sitting in the middle of her other friends.

    Iona sustained eye contact with Kyla as she awaited her response. She could see the fear, uncertainty and intimidation in Kyla’s eyes. Kyla was afraid to stand on her own if it meant she would earn the disapproval of Shara’s little clique. She often disagreed with many of the things the other nymphs believed, did and said, but she could never muster the courage to voice her own opinions aloud. Iona telegraphed an assurance of protection and true friendship into her mind, if she would only take a chance and speak for herself starting this instant.

    “Thank you for helping me… I…Iona; I don’t know what happened and if you hadn’t…” Shara interjected Kyla’s babbling with a sharp retort “If you hadn’t have been here none of this would’ve happened in the first place! You should’ve stayed at the stream freaking the darned frogs instead of running up here and scaring us half to death! You made Kyla fall down the side of the hill and you’re darned lucky you caught her before it was too late!”

    Chills of insult, hurt and anger shuddered through Iona. It all made sense now. She had been the big joke everyone was laughing at. They had followed her to the stream and were entertaining themselves by mocking her from the clandestine clearing on the hill. She began to realize that she had scared the living daylights out of them when she snuck up to the little hill and crashed their little party.

    Incensed, Iona clinched the large fists hanging ominously from her sides. She stared every single nymph in the eyes one by one, until they each turned and looked away. She envisioned socking each one of them with a propelling blow right in their filthy mouths, sending them soaring over the hillside into the stream below. As the vision continued in her mind, empathy jarred her from the delusion when she imagined their lifeless forms floating down the stream.

    ‘Be prudent with the simple’ she heard the little voice in her mind resound. As the vision cleared from her eyes and she came back to herself, Iona noticed that all of the others were huddled together in a petrified posture. She slowly opened her hands and released the pressure and tension building up in her neck and shoulders.

    ‘You all aren’t worthy of such a death’ she thought as she looked into their timid, empty eyes. Slowly she turned to exit the clearing. “You dainty nymphs better be a bit more careful about following wild beasts and aliens around in the woods from now on.” Iona coldly admonished, as she deftly disappeared into the valley.

    End of Chapter 2​
     
  18. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Wow I cannot believe my luck! :) Thank you for all of this Sirius!
     
  19. Sirius Orion

    Sirius Orion New Member

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    The Fate's warned me long ago about a particular Druid who would sway my powers and path...there is something about you Druid of Luhn!

    Your pleasure and appreciation is my greatest reward---you are welcome :)