The Answer

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Dystopia Eternal, Sep 5, 2004.

  1. Dystopia Eternal

    Dystopia Eternal The Windbringer

    Nov 1, 2003
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    Somewhere near Boston
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    A Python/Adams tribute. I hope my vB codes work.

    A description of the characters:

    God: Wearing a sports jacket, tie, khakis
    Lucifer: White t-shirt, basketball shorts, Yankees baseball cap (worn sideways) big silver necklace
    Adam: Monty Python T-Shirt, Khaki pants, dress shoes
    St. Michael: t-shirt, shorts, dirty old baseball cap, overweight
    St. George: Blue jeans, denim or leather shirt, cowboy hat.
    Eve: skirt, tight t-shirt, heavy make-up
    Other students: they’re extras, who cares?

    {Students sitting in a classroom, chattering}​
    [teacher walks in]​
    Teacher: Good morning class. Since today is the first day of High School, why don’t we take a while and introduce ourselves and tell us one fact about yourself? My name is Mohammed, but since I’m your teacher, you can call me ‘God.’
    Lucifer: First day of high school? Don’t you mean eternity?
    What was that?​
    (Lucifer looks around, and gives the middle finger to the lighting booth)​
    Lucifer: um...nothing, I was trying to have a soliloquy.
    (Lights dim, spotlight on Adam)​
    Adam: (chuckling) This is how it’s done.
    (Lights return)​
    God: Oh. Well, introduce yourself, please.
    [Lucifer looks around]​
    [God taps his foot impatiently]​
    [Lucifer begins to doodle on a piece of paper]​
    [God clears his throat expectantly]​
    [An FBI agent walks in and whispers to Lucifer]​
    Lucifer: (to FBI agent) Oh right..
    [FBI agent leaves]​
    Lucifer: I’m Lucifer Python, but my friends call me (in a weird voice) “the serpent.”
    Adam: What friends?
    Lucifer: (angrily) Shut up, you.
    God: Settle down, lest I unleash thunderbolts on ye all.
    God: (To Lucifer) Let me see that paper.
    [Lucifer reluctantly hands the paper, which he had been doodling on, to God]​
    God: (Exasperatedly) No, no, this is all wrong. You’ve drawn the pentagram upside down, and the star is supposed to be inside the circle.
    Lucifer: (confused) What? I was just drawing..(trails off)
    God: (Flustered) never mind then...that’s (pause) different subject.
    Adam: What subject?
    God: Not now.
    Eve: (Stage whisper) SEX!!
    [God, ignoring the comment, points to Adam]​
    God: You next.
    Adam: Hi. I’m Adam Douglass. Let’s see, a fact about myself? Hmm.. Well, I was the first one to school this morning. (With contempt) That good enough for you?
    God: Ok, and you?
    [God points to Michael]​
    Michael: Hey, I’m Mike. I like eating McDonald’s burgers while making liberal propagandist documentaries about the corruption of the CEOs of the McDonalds Corporation. You know, it really is outrageous that-
    [God cuts Michael off]​
    God: (Loudly) All right, thank you. You next.
    [God gestures to George]​
    George: (in a Texas drawl) Howdy. I’m George. I like readin’ this here books which is about them nucleer dragons.
    (Stunned) I’m not even going to begin correcting that sentence. Ok, we haven’t heard from a girl yet. How about you?​
    [God points to Eve]​
    Eve: (Excitedly) Hello! I’m Eve, and today I brought an apple for you.
    [She hands a half-eaten apple to God]​
    [God looks at the apple]​
    God: Are you sure this is the right apple?
    Eve: (Apologetically) Oh. That. I’m sorry. I came in this morning really hungry, because I’m, like, on a diet? And that kid
    [Eve points at Lucifer]​
    Eve: said you wouldn’t mind too much. I mean, one bite doesn’t hurt, does it?
    God: Shit.
    Eve: I’m like really sorry.
    God: ‘Really sorry’ doesn’t work here. Anyways, according to the schedule, we have history now.
    [the class groans]​
    God: Hey, if Eve hadn’t given me that lousy apple, I might have been inclined to continue with our fun introductory session.
    [Lights fade, spotlight on Adam]​
    Adam: (Soliloquy, facing audience) Well that’s fuzzy logic if I ever heard it.
    [Adam turns back to face the front of the room]​
    [light does not reappear. Spotlight intensifies]​
    [Adam clears his throat expectantly]​
    [spotlight cuts out]​
    Adam: (Angry/Frustrated/Scared) Shit!
    Adam: Is this it?
    [Light cuts in as he talks, revealing him to have his head on his arms over his desk.]​
    Adam: (Shouting, worried) Is this death??
    [God taps Adam on the head]​
    God: (Gently) No, Adam, this is Math class.
    [Adam turns and faces audience, a smirk on his face]​
    [Adam returns to normal]​
    God: Now George, What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
    [George looks at a cheat sheet in his hand]​
    George: Uh...C?
    God: No, George. Try again.
    George: A?
    God: George, the answer is a number.
    George: (happily)Oh, that’s easy! One!
    [God notices the cheat sheet]​
    God: (Angrily) George! Cheating isn’t allowed! Go to the principle’s office.
    George: (as he leaves) What, am I supposed to have the answer to everything?
    Lucifer: (loudly) God has a boss?
    God: Be quiet, Lucifer.
    [Lucifer looks around]​
    Lucifer: (shouting at the lighting booth) Goddamned lights!
    God: Lucifer, can you tell me the answer?
    Lucifer: Yeah, it’s Fifty-four.
    God: No.
    Lucifer: What? But six times nine is-
    Adam: (Interrupting Lucifer) Forty-two.
    Lucifer: What?
    Adam: The answer is forty-two.
    God: Good job, Adam. Go back to sleep.
    Lucifer: (confused) What? But..
    [Lights fade out. A dim spotlight focuses on Adam. He reaches for a cup of tea, offered by an invisible person. He takes a sip. Elevator music begins playing. Adam finishes the tea slowly and stares down at his feet, while facing the audience. Music dims]​
    Adam: A long, dark, teatime, indeed.
    [he looks back, reaching for another cup of tea, then draws his hand away]​
    Adam: Earl Grey, please. And no sugar or cream this time.
    [He reaches for the tea and takes a sip. The lights fade and music grows louder]​
    [Music cuts out and lights reappear; Adam is in a hospital bed as a nurse walks up to him]​
    Nurse: I’m afraid you’ve got necrophilia.
    Adam: What’s that?
    Nurse: (In a mysterious voice) Aren’t you dying to know?
    Adam: What??
    Nurse: (Flustered) Oh, I’m sorry.
    [Nurse puts on reading glasses and glances at her clipboard]​
    Nurse: I read it wrong. You have developed a serious case of narcolepsy.
    Adam: Well no shit sh-
    [Adam closes his eyes and begins snoring.]​
    [The lights dim, and reappear. Adam wakes with a start.]​
    Adam: (Confused) Huh? Where am I?
    Nurse: You’re dead, Adam.
    Adam: Dead?
    Nurse: Dead.
    Adam: Why?
    Nurse: Well, see all this bright light?
    Adam: No, I meant how did I die?
    Nurse: Food poisoning.
    [A half-eaten apple rolls by, unnoticed.]​
    Adam: Oh.
    Nurse: You’d better get going then.
    Adam: Right.
    [Adam picks up the apple and walks towards the door, taking a big bite on the way. Just as he exits, he turns around]​
    Adam: But I didn’t eat the salmon mousse.
    [Lights cut out]​
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2004