A few months ago, Katie (Senekha) and I were talking about how cool it would be if we could form a team like Sohmer/Lar of LICD and LFG webcomics do (Sohmer writes it, Lar draws it). Since I highly doubt that either of us will ever have the time to devote to it and because I am addicted to attention (plus this webcomic was originally going to be somewhat loosely based around the TFF community), I decided to post this on TFF. ^_^ Comments appreciated; keep in mind that this was only the beginning of a number of skits I had planned out but never got around to writing after the first couple of days. As you may be able to guess, this is a very haphazard world filled with overused magic, races, and general fantasy stereotypes. Ella is very, very loosely based on yours truly; same with Saeth on KT. Morgan was Met, and I'd planned on introducing a variety of TFF people (similar to IR's "Tales"), but, well... a combination of internet activities + RL dictated otherwise. Skits 11-13 were going to be very roughly based on an incident where Met had done Boxxy imitations on webcam, but I never got around to writing them. I might get around to finishing this someday and even update it on TFF. Also, I don't feel like bothering to reformat every damn italics and therefore a lot of "stage direction"/emphasis has been lost in the copy-paste. Anyway, enjoy, harp, criticize, fall asleep reading it - doesn't make a difference to me. Skit 1: Saeth and Ella are riding side by side on their respective mounts in the rain. Saeth looks like a typical knight, but it is unclear that she is female. Her companion looks like a miniature Grim Reaper in black, but rides a miniature panda. Abruptly, an officious-looking man in uniform steps out of nowhere. Man in Uniform: Where are ye bound, ye scurvy villains? Before he can say anything further, Saeth draws a sword and stabs him. The duo ride on, ignoring the man’s shrieks behind them. Ella’s speech bubble font is small and cute. Ella: Violence is never the answer, Saeth. Saeth: Eh. When a child’s wails adds to the cacophony, however, Saeth’s companion abruptly turns back and tells Saeth to ride ahead. A few moments later, the road is now ominously silent and the companion has returned to Saeth’s side, the black cowl splattered with blood. Saeth: Violence is never the answer, eh, Ella? Ella: Whoever told you that? Skit 2: At the end of the road, there lies a castle. There is a group of guards waiting outside the gate; when they see the pair, everyone except the leader runs away. Leader: Halt! You are hereby charged with the murder of Mahn Ey and Kayd Ey. Ella: Are we? Leader: Do you plead innocent or guilty? Ella: Me? Innocent? Ella goes off into gales of laughter. Saeth nudges her horse into a charge and rides the captain down; Ella’s panda Fluffy stops to lick the captain’s face before scampering after Saeth, nearly unhorsing Ella. Ella screams at Fluffy to no avail, and saws at the reins. However, it turns out that it’s a good thing that Fluffy ignores Ella, as arrows rain down from the castle walls. Saeth: Why don’t people like us? Oh wait, I forgot, they don’t like you. Ella: ‘nou’ Skit 3: Traveling through the woods while avoiding the castle, Saeth’s horse dies of “mysterious causes,” but Ella is seen to be hiding a knife. Saeth is forced to continue on foot, which makes it easier for Fluffy to keep up. They encounter another traveler, Morgan. Morgan: I’m Morgan. Ella: I’m Ella. Saeth: I’m Saeth. Pleased to meet you. I’m a knight. Morgan: Are you not past puberty or something? Your voice is absurdly high. Ella is ignored. Ella: I’m Ella. Saeth: Speak for yourself. At least I’m a girl. Morgan: Pics or it’s not true. Ella continues to be ignored. Ella: Hello? Can anyone hear me? Only Saeth’s back is visible as she takes off her armor. Morgan’s jaw drops and his eyes look like the cheap googly eyes you can buy at any craftstore. Morgan: Boobies! Ella: Just wait until she gets chocolate syrup all over them. Saeth: It was a one time event and it’s not happening again. Morgan: Boobies? Skit 4: Ella: So now that people have stopped ignoring me, I’m Ella. Morgan: Who are you? Ella: I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, THE EATER OF SOULS, MISTRESS OF DEMONS, QUEEN OF THE FOURTEENTH HELL, AND CAUSER OF SNIVELS. I have a bunch of other titles, but I got those through achievements. It seems like cheating to list titles that aren’t based on kills. Morgan: What does any of that mean? Saeth: It means that she’s the seventh-best necromancer in the world. Ella: Sixth-best ever since Ding got eaten by a shark, and I’ll thank you not to bring that up again. Morgan: You have a Grim Reaper outfit. And a scythe. Ella: I have them in other colors besides black. I’m cute in pink. Saeth: NO. Morgan: Are you Death? Or like Death on crack? Or a Death fangirl, or – Ella: Nah. I’m like Death’s stand-in. I stood around for lighting fixes so that he could go get a drink, but I recently got promoted to stand-by. I still have to go to all the rehearsals though. Morgan: Coo’. After a pause: Saeth: Want to join the Wolfpack? Ella: What’s that? Saeth: It’s our mercenary company, silly. Ella: … when did I enlist for the army? Ella is ignored again. Saeth: Well? Morgan: Sure. Skit 5: Saeth: So, like, what are you? Morgan: What do you mean? Saeth: You know, your race. Morgan: Are you discriminating against me because I am “that token guy of color,” placed solely in this story to be politically correct? Saeth: Nah, we already have Ella for that. She’s a gnome. Morgan starts laughing. Morgan: Oh, you mean Erra? Ella: I’m Ella, not Erra – Morgan: Me rove you rong time? Ella starts sulking. Skit 6: The trio arrive at an inn. Innkeeper: How can I help you today? Saeth: One room for me, one room for him. Ella: What about me? Ella is ignored while the two bicker. Innkeeper: Five gold pieces each. Saeth: Absolute robbery. Meet my friend. Manbeater, innkeeper. Innkeeper, Manbeater. The innkeeper does not look particularly intimidated by the sword. Some time later: Saeth: Six gold pieces each then! Morgan: That’s only one piece more, you wastegash. Saeth: Oh. Oops. Ella and Morgan roll their eyes. Ella: Well, I’ll be right back, time to make some money. Saeth: No killing toddlers. Ella: Would I do that? Saeth: Yes. Skit 7: Saeth and Ella are preparing to sleep for the night. Ella is curled up next to Fluffy on the floor. Saeth: We need to find another job. I don’t have much money left. Ella: No problem, I’ve got a stack of order forms right here. It’s good money. Saeth: What order forms? Ella hands her a form. The words “Adult Shows For Everyone!” is clearly visible, and right below it: “STARRING SAETH RITH.” Saeth: WHAT IS THIS? Ella: Weren’t you a porn star on the side? Skit 8: The next morning, Saeth wakes up alone, and meets Morgan on the stairs. Saeth: Where’s Ella? Morgan: Outside. Saeth goes outside. Ella is sitting on top of the inn roof, holding a stick and line that is apparently supposed to resemble a fishing rod. A bright red doll is hooked on as bait. Saeth stares at Ella as Ella waits patiently. A child who is walking by snatches the doll, and Ella attempts to yank in her rod but the child runs away. Ella unhooks the doll and instead attempts to attach a balloon to the hook, which pops. She holds up Fluffy, who is sitting on the roof beside her, but apparently changes her mind and attaches a wooden soldier instead. Ella: Just a nibble – should’ve waited longer for the bite. Saeth: …. Ella: What? I’m fishing for breakfast. Skit 9: Morgan and Saeth are preparing to leave town. Fluffy is saddled and waiting, but Ella is nowhere in sight. However, a woman is seen screaming in the distance. Woman: AIEEEEEEEE! Ella runs towards the pair holding a bundle in one arm. She attempts to mount Fluffy and ride away. Saeth: Now hold on there just a second. What is that? Ella: Oh, nothing important. Just something I picked up this morning. The woman finally catches up with Ella. Ella hides it behind her back and starts whistling “innocently.” Woman turns to Saeth. Woman: She stole my baby, mistress! The baby’s bawls are clearly heard through the blanket. Saeth sighs. Saeth: Give it back, Ella. Ella: She’s lying, I didn’t steal her baby! It was part of the combo meal at McSeamus. Saeth: Give it back. Ella: Okay, fine. But she already has eight kids, and this one’s the smallest anyway. Saeth: Ella. Ella hands over the baby sulkily, and the woman thanks Saeth before leaving. Ella: This is discrimination. Morgan’s eating his breakfast. Why can’t I? Morgan is holding a loaf of bread that he is sawing at and eating. Morgan: Oh, what’s this now gnome? Disclimination now is it? Ella sniffs, and with her nose in the air, marches to Fluffy but trips on the way there. Ignoring Morgan’s sniggering, she mounts Fluffy and the party sets out. Skit 10: Fluffy is misbehaving and almost unhorses (or is it unpandas?) his mistress. Ella: If you keep this up, I’ll turn you into a reanimated corpse. Morgan: Is that a panda? Saeth: It’s a panda dog. Ella: No, it’s a panda. Saeth: Quiet, gnome. Ella apparently does not hear this insult, as Fluffy almost throws her off again. Ella: I’ll sell you to the gnomes and tell them that you’re a dog so they can eat you. How about that? Fluffy instantly becomes a model of perfect behavior. Morgan: Where’s the scythe? Ella: Eh? Oh, that. It’s the compact. I thought about getting the deflatable version but really, it was way too much money. Ella reaches into her cloak and pulls out something that resembles a Swiss army knife. After unfolding it around a dozen times, it transforms into the scythe. Saeth sniffs disdainfully. Saeth: A scythe is so useless to kill anyone. It’s just part of her costume. If you want to get down to serious business, a sword and shield is all you need! Ella: You named them “Manbeater” and “Mead.” Skit 11: -To be written later- Skit 12: -To be written later- Skit 13: -To be written later- Skit 14: Ella is sleeping on Fluffy’s back. However, when Saeth bursts from behind, shouting, Ella quickly sits back up again. Saeth: Run! It’s the gnomese government! Morgan: What – Saeth: We’ll talk about it later! Just run! Later: Morgan: Why are the gnomes after you? Saeth: Strictly speaking, they’re actually after Ella. Morgan: But isn’t she a gnome? Ella: I’m not a gnome. To have power over death, I surrendered life. It was a long time ago. Morgan: But why are they after you? Ella: Well… that’s because of Fluffy. Morgan: Is this some kind of blame chain? Is Fluffy going to blame it on me now? Fluffy blinks at him lazily. Skit 15: Morgan: So why are the gnomes after you, or Fluffy, or whatever? Ella: Pandas have become an endangered species and were recently placed under the protection of the law in Nomasia. There are only like seventeen and a half of them left. Morgan: Seventeen and a half? Ella: That’s what the statistics say. I’m guessing it’s the half of the Siamese twin left alive. Morgan: What? Wait, did you steal Fluffy from them? Ella: He was an orphan! Someone had to take care of him. Saeth: She forgot to mention that she’s the one who orphaned him two years, three months, and twenty-six days ago. Not only did she kill Fluffy’s parents, brothers, and sisters, but – Ella: – his grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, great-aunts, great-uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws, the in-laws’ in-laws, and anyone related to the 5th degree of kinship in both the zoos and the wilds. Morgan: … How “recently” did they become endangered? Saeth: Two years, three months, and twenty-six days ago. Skit 16: Flashback Skit Ella, narrating: You see, when Saeth fell ill, she sent me away – Saeth interrupts: – to preserve my own life, just in case she got bored – Ella: – for my own safety, out of the goodness of her heart. And so I wandered into Nomasia. I was happy there. They had so many children that government officials used me for birth control. It was like being at an all-you-can-eat where I didn’t have to pay for anything. Ella: Their souls were scrumptious and the screams of the parents delicious, especially when healer apprentices on their practical internship practiced resurrection spells. The look of hope when little Timothy-chan was brought back to life, only to be dashed when I slaughtered him again before their very eyes… it was absolutely priceless. Morgan looks horrified. Saeth’s words of comfort, however, makes him laugh. Saeth: You can’t spell slaughter without laughter! Ella: But then one day, they asked me to kill a zoo koala born without limbs. And then I got a little… carried away… Skit 17: Flashback, Part 2 Ella: Once the carnage was over and I’d changed, and packed my old robes to get dry-cleaned, I found Fluffy – or rather, Fluffy found me. He was the size of a Chihuahua, then, and he managed to bite my finger off. After gathering the bone fragments, I fled, carrying Flufy with me. Ella: I found a cow, and stole a human baby’s milk bottle. I fed Fluffy and lost two toes, another finger, and half my thumb over the next week. Ella: By the time I reached Saeth, the panda was fond of me. We found a cleric to restore my mutilated appendages, and I nursed Fluffy. He ended up being too big for me to carry, so we turned him into the packpanda, but he ate everything. Food, clothes, tent, unexplained garden rake that Saeth insists on carrying around – everything. So he became my Epic Mount.