tasteless jokes -rated R

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by jake1964, Feb 25, 2004.

  1. Alchemist

    Alchemist The Fighters Guide House Member

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    The Sex Talk


    A drunk goes into a bar and sits down. "Hey bartender," he says, "can we talk about politics?"


    The bartender says: "No way! If there's one thing we don't talk about in here, it's politics."


    A little while later the drunk says: "Hey bartender, can we talk about religion?"


    Again the bartender says: "No way! If there's one thing we don't talk about in here, it's religion."


    A few moments go by and the drunk says: "Hey bartender, can we talk about sex?"


    "Sure," the bartender says. "That's fine."


    "Good," the drunk says. "F*ck you!




    ------------------------------

    Stop/Slow Down

    One day a guy was driving down the street. He comes up to a stop sign, but he didn't stop, he just slowed down and kept on going. A cop that was behind the guy turned on his siren and lights and pulled the guy over. The cop got out of his car and went to the guy's car and said, "Show me your id and registration please". The guy got them out and handed them to the cop.
    The cop said, "Do you know why you are being pulled over today"?
    "No, why am i being pulled over"?
    "There was a stop sign back there and you did not stop".
    "Well I did slow down".
    You have to stop at a stop sign".
    "stop, slow down, whats the difference"?
    "Do you want me to show you the difference between stop and slow down"?
    "Yea, please do".
    "please step out of your car, and stand over here".
    The guy open the car door and got out of the car. At this time the cop pulls out his night club and beats the living shit out of the guy and said,"Do you want me to stop, or slow down"?


    ------------

    Have you seen it?

    The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church..


    One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


    He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.


    During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.


    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.


    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"


    Half the women stood up.


    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"



    Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2009
  2. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    Following the school shooting I found it somewhat pointless that Tim Kretschmer was described as: "A humourless person who has a tendency to see the world in technical terms, with a great deal of deep rooted cultural paranoia and a tendency towards arbitrary and unprovoked violence."

    Surely they could have saved time by simply describing him as: "A German."


    It's reported today that Elisabeth Fritzl had sex with her father in front of her 3 children.

    The dirty bitch.

    I've just seen the news that I've been waiting for, the 'Josef Fritzl Incest Trial' starts today.

    I don't know about you, but I know I'll be signing up and giving it a go.

    A moving article in today's Sun tells us that Jade Goody has told her children that she is sleeping much of the time because the angels are calling her. She didn't say what they are calling her but I think we can guess...
     
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  3. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    A little girl ask Santa for a Barbie doll and a GI Joe to go with her.

    Santa asks the little girl; "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

    Little girl answers; "No. She fakes it with Ken. She comes with GI Joe."
     
  4. Kaine999

    Kaine999 ┼╫£ §₧£§╫µ⌠

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

    One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

    "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

    Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

    "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

    "**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"



    How are women and tornadoes alike?

    They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


    There are four kinds of sex :

    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

    BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

    COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


    A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

    A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

    That should be enough for now.....>.>
     
  5. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    .
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2009
  6. Unraveller

    Unraveller <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

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    What was the last thing Jesus said to his disciples on Good Friday?
    "Don't touch my Easter egg, I'll be back on Sunday."
     
  7. Alchemist

    Alchemist The Fighters Guide House Member

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    Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
    A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

    Q. What does a female snail say during crude sex?
    A. Faster, faster, faster!

    Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
    A. Wool!

    Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
    A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
    A. Strip Poker

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

    ---------------

    Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them.


    "You're gonna get a good lickin' when your daddy gets home," she said.


    "No thanks," Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
     
  8. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
















    Slow down and

    try a little lubricant.
     
  9. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    Hmmmm......Is that what that smell is?
     
  10. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    A man gets on an elevator with a woman.

    The door closes.

    He asks her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

    She replies, horrified; "Absolutely not!"

    He says, "Hmmm, then it must be your feet."
     
  11. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    LMAO! Finally a joke on here that made me laugh.
     
  12. pudutat91958

    pudutat91958 New Member

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    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that was bad but toooooooooooooooo funny!
     
  13. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in
    his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make
    love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up
    and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
    that's a sheep, not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a
    presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to
    the sheep."
     
  14. quentintarantado

    quentintarantado New Member

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    New Motorcycle- Rated R

    I haven't seen this one in this forum yet, so I hope it's new.

    Guy has a new motorcycle. It's so new he hasn't had it rustproofed yet. The dealer said, "No problem. Here's a jar of vaseline. When you think it's about to rain, just rub some vaseline on the bike."

    So off he goes to his girlfriend's house to meet the parents and have dinner with the family. He sits down with the family at the dining table. His girlfriend whispers to him, "We have a tradition here during dinner. We all hate washing dishes, so at the end of the meal, the first person to break the silence washes all the dishes." The boyfriend nods his thanks and promises to keep quiet after the meal.

    So they have a hearty meal. At the end of it, everyone is quiet, since no one wants to wash the dishes. After 15 minutes of silence, the guy gets nervous waiting. He decides to provoke a reaction so that SOMEONE will speak out.

    He puts his arm around his girl. The parents say nothing.

    He kisses her in the mouth. The parents don't react.

    He starts french-kissing her. The parents don't move an inch.

    He starts fondling his girlfriend's breasts in front of them. The parents still keep mum.

    In desperation, he pushes the food out of the way and he throws his girlfriend on the table and starts making love to her. The parents, eyes bulging with horror, don't make a peep!

    The guy thinks of a new strategy and starts to fondle the mother's tits. Still no sound from anyone!

    The guy, truly determined to get them to speak by now, throws the girlfriend's mom on the table and rapes her. No one still speaks!

    Then the guy hears the sound of thunder. Worried about rain rusting his new bike, he takes out his jar of vaseline.

    The dad screams, "All right, stay the f**k away! I'll wash the dishes!"
     
  15. quentintarantado

    quentintarantado New Member

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    A Pleasant Surprise for the Mrs.

    Husband comes home late at night. He sees his wife already in bed. Feeling naughty, he slips in between her legs and proceeds to give her head.

    His wife moans, then grabs his hair and starts encouraging him. She climaxes. Pretty soon, she drifts back to a wonderful, tired sleep.

    Feeling good about himself, his skills at pleasing his wife and his selfless good deed, he goes to the bathroom. When he opens it, he is shocked to see his wife in there, shaving her legs.

    The husband cries out, "What in the world are you doing in here?!?"

    The wife puts her finger to her lips and points to the bed, "Shhh! You'll wake your mom!"
     
  16. Alchemist

    Alchemist The Fighters Guide House Member

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    that last one...ooo lordy >.<
     
  17. Cascador

    Cascador Who's Anakin?

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    I don't want to be disrespectful but...

    "Is it a bird, is it a plane?!"

    "I don't know, but it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre!"

    -Frankie Boyle
     
  18. AlphaAlex

    AlphaAlex Official Forum Nuisance

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    heh heh thats bad