Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by jake1964, Feb 25, 2004.
Why can't women swim?
There's no water between the kitchen and the laundry.
Why women need men - Cause vibrators don't buy drinks.
Shadow's one is better
I know I am a guy, but I like the one:
Why do women need men? - Cos a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Depends on the "lawn", electric razors vibrate.
heh That sounds like something gross I'd say.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Olaf demands.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," his wife replies.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says: "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!" Patrick exclaims: "You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies: "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says: "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" he asks.
She too explains: "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says: "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... tidy yerself up a bit.
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
ah alchemist! heh that last one is so bad even I cant bare it
Lmfao Alchy, They're both great!
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate
lol. Oldie but a goodie.
A pregnant woman is getting rushed to the hospital at the 30th of march, after many hours of labour the baby finally arrives. The doctor then throws the baby down and begins stomping on it, naturally the woman starts to scream and ask what the hell he thinks he's doing?!
The doctor smiles and says:
"April's fool! It was already dead!"
Audience member: " Dear Walter, Why don't chicken breasts have nipples?"
Walter : " Cause if it got cold out they would poke a hole in the package!"
rofl all of these are good
An elderly couple walks into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample."
The old man says: "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says: "What?"
So the doctor yells: "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that, the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
Things I learned watching porn:
Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
When "going down" on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with
embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Women are indifferent as to whether they get it in the mouth, in the vagina or up the ass.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
WOMEN SCREAM AND GRAB THE MAN'S ASS CLOSER TOWARDS THEM. causing more moaning.
Women always orgasm when men do.
All women are noisy cummers; often they will announce when it is happening.
People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real. Period.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Or face. Spanking is also a turn-on.
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
Women don't have the physical capability to spit out cum. They can only transfer it to another woman.
If there are two Men present, they will "high five" each other. (and the girl won't be disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
Asian men don't exist, but their chicks are HOTTTTTT!!!.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat you to death if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.
There's never a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
Nurses tend to suck patients' cocks as an exam method.
Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
Men always pull out, and can hold until the money shot.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before joining both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
When a woman is sucking off a man, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it", lest she forget what she is doing.
Anuses are perpetually clean.
Everyone's penis is bigger than yours.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.
When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
A Penis joke is an appropriate lead-in to the so-called "nasty".
Geeks never have to beg.
Every girl on the planet is bi
Mitt Romney starred in a psycho-galactic porno.
When women are having their last orgasm, it's important to show a close-up of the man's face for all of it.
Pubic hair is just a myth.
Men always wear watches
Starring in porn is the only time a women shouldn't be restricted to the kitchen
The phrases: "oh yeah" or "yes" are said at least eleven times
Swearing is a constant
There's never an awkward moment during sex (e.g. the man wouldn't yell out "BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM IS THE BEST!")
Women are always ravishingly horny, to the point that they're banging random visitors
Your friend's mom has a huge crush on you and has cought you masturbation, only to go masturbate herself.
Only men with tattos on their biceps can have sex.
If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex.
either you copied and pasted this or you have waaaaaay to much free time...
A man walks into a bar...
then he walks back out and is mauled by an angry bear.
two women are on their way home after a night out and for whatevr reason decide to go to the toilet in a graveyard (i guess when you gotta go you gotta go) the next day their husbands are at work and one say's to the other; I think my wifes having an affair, she came home last night with no underwear. The other responds with; You think thats bad? mine came home with a card saying "we'll miss you, from the fire department," sticking out of hers.
A man walks into a friends office and say's; Oh, man I got really drunk last night and when i got home I blew chunks. His friend responds with; yeah, i've been there. The first then say's; no, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!
Separate names with a comma.