Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by jake1964, Feb 25, 2004.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
At least 40 pounds.
Whats the best thing about having sex with a tranny?
When you put your hand round the front it feels like its gone all the way through!
I used to date a Siamese twin but after a while I started shagging her sister behind her back!
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!”
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, “Take it easy dear, can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?”
Older people have problems that you haven't even considered yet:
An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
charging thru the snow, in a v8 wonder sled, crashing into trees, cause i'm off me ****ing head. been smoking billies too, a dozen beers or more, i'm heading to the red light zone to pick me up a whore..... OH, jingle bells jingle bells, santa's smoking weed, mrs claus is on the floor, she's over dosed on speed, Blitzen's ****ed the elves are too, they're peaking off their heads and if rudolph snorts another line the prick'll wind up dead
that was epic
ah good ol aussie humour.. too bad no snow here unless you live in the mountains
Recalling their first time:
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
I said, "I sure did"
and held up my thumb to show her.
Who saw Grand Torino?
That joke Clint makes is so funny because it's just awful:
So a Nigger a Jew and a Spic walk into a bar and the bar tender says: GET THE **** OUTTA HERE!
That's the whole joke hhahaha
just came up with this one.
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no way to get around and who is always extremely angry?
Potential Murderer! Has the drive, just not the ability.
(if you are not laughing then you were not privy to me an Lwb's msn convo)
You did it!!!!!!
Yup, you had to be there .
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became very angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come
in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his cock over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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I didnt find that guy funny.
strassman is better
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