tasteless jokes -rated R

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by jake1964, Feb 25, 2004.

  1. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    OK, this one goes back a few years.

    What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

    Are you gonna eat that?
     
  2. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    For Jake...

    A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass.

    The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?"

    The cowboy answers "Chapped lips".

    "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"

    "No, but it sure as hell keeps you from lickin' em." :eek: :D
     
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  3. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    Great one, AW.

    Students at Texas A&M University are called Aggies. Here in Texas we tell Aggie jokes.

    2 Aggies were driving behind Lorena Bobbit as she threw her husband's severed penis out the window. The severed organ hit the windshield of their car causing the Aggie driving to turn to his companion and ask;"DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THE DICK ON THAT BUG ?" :eek: :eek:
     
  4. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    LMAO... :D
     
  5. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

    You know, we do taste like chicken... :rolleyes:
     
  6. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

    "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

    One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

    "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

    The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

    The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

    The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats."'
     
  7. dwarf tosser

    dwarf tosser "What the Deuce?"

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    A man walks into a bar and sees a basket full of money behind the bar. He asks the bartender what the basket is there for.

    The bartender says that is a gmaing basket and for every twenty that is in there, someone has not compleated the game.

    "What?" the man shouts ujusting his hearing aid(he's only about twenty somthing)

    The bartender repeats what he says and then goes on describing the rules of the game.

    "Well sir youo can win this whole basket of money if you compleat three tasks."

    "what are the tasks?" replied the man

    "1-go to that man sitting by the sterio and knock him out!
    2-there is my rotwieler in the next room, She is in very great pain and is very tempermental, go inside and pull the tooth out of her.
    3-there is a 75-year old whore upstairs, you have to fuck her."

    "O........ok"replies the man

    The man shows the bartender proof that the has the twenty and walks up to the big man. The man punches the big man rigt on his ass and knocks him out. Then he goes into the room with the dog. Barking and yelps from the dog are heard from the room. He hass been in there for more than an hour. He finally comes out with ripped cloathing.

    "Ok" the man said. "Now where is that whore with the tooth?"
    He takes his hearing aid out of his ear and tunes it again.

    -dt
     
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  8. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    .............The Clinton Presidential Seal.............ok...so it's well used... :rolleyes:
     
  9. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    In a recent survey, conducted by correctional facilities across the nation, convicted pedophiles were asked; "What is the number one reason for your fascination with children?" The overwhelming response was; "Their little hands make your dick look HUGE."
     
  10. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    Hillbilly Dictionary--

    relative humidity - technical name for the sweat dripping off your scrotum when your screwing your sister. (or aunt, cousin, etc.)
     
  11. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?


    The refrigerator won't fart when you pull the meat out!
     
  12. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

    Nothing....they were both stuck up cunts.
     
  13. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    Guess wich one is the female. :D
     

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  14. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    This guy owns a horse stud farm...
    ...and gets a call from a friend.
    "I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over."

    The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
    "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
    Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

    "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

    Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
     
  15. dwarf tosser

    dwarf tosser "What the Deuce?"

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    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! O man i needed a good laugh.

    -dt
     
  16. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    Why do women find it hard to piss first thing in the morning ?

    Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese sandwich?... ;)
     
  17. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    Anyone from Florida?
     

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  18. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    Two leprechauns have a bet.

    To settle their bet, they take it to a convent.

    Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a leprechaun!"

    The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

    "No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

    "Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"

    "No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

    "Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world that are my size?"

    "No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"

    "Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you fucked a penguin!"
     
  19. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    :eek:
     

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  20. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is a survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.





    FLY BY:
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer.





    FREQUENT FLYER:
    People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.





    ESCAPEE:
    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing about it makes both parties feel uneasy.





    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone else has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just happened.





    COURTESY FLUSH:
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the Walk of Shame.





    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the Courtesy Flush.





    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.





    SAFE HAVENS:
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.





    TURD BURGLAR:
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.





    CAMO-COUGH:
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.





    ASTAIRE:
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.





    WATERMELON:
    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. (See Camo-Cough)





    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often occompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.





    UNCLE TED:
    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.