Story - Please read :)

Discussion in 'Writing Workshop' started by Kally, May 17, 2009.

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What do you think?

  1. Great! Post more!

    25.0%
  2. Was good, nothing to scream about..

    25.0%
  3. So-So..

    50.0%
  4. Nah..

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  5. OMG it was AWFUL! Edit it away!!

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Okay, So, I thought I post this on here. Its a story I started a few days ago.. It's based around my TFF character.. TFF gave me my inspiration for this one :D I hope you like it..

    New Story.

    Prologue

    The smoke in the room woke me up almost instantly, the smoke was black and made me choke, and I couldn’t see what was in front of my face. I pulled the covers up and around me, I was so scared, I cried for my mum and my dad. My eyes were stinging now, the smoke was getting worse and there was nowhere for it to go, my window was always locked, there was nowhere for me to go.
    I climbed over to the window anyway, looking for anyone that might be in their gardens, they might see me. I wiped soot off the windows and peered down, nothing. My home was on fire and there was nobody here, nobody to save me…

    “Amber!” a voice called from behind me, I swirled around, looking in the direction of the door.
    “Mommy!” I screamed, still crying, but my little voice couldn’t break through the wall of thick smoke between us.
    She shouted to me again, this time she seemed farther away, was she leaving me here? She would never leave me behind! I pushed the covers off me and tried to make my way across the room, it was hard; I hadn’t tidied up my toys today. I was mad at myself for it, now I couldn’t get to the door!
    I finally managed to get around some of my toys and neared the door, as I grew closer to it; I began to feel really hot. And the heat got stronger as I came closer to the door. Then I suddenly realized; mommy and daddy’s voices had stopped. I stared at the door, finally understanding why it was so hot.
    I immediately began to walk backwards into my room. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to think or feel. The room was clouded with smoke, I was coughing and my eyes stung. The only light in the room was that filtering in from the window. It must be dawn. Someone might come out, see the fire, and then save us all. Then I tripped. I used my arms to cushion the fall as I hit the ground; multiple toys stabbed me in the back.

    When I first saw it, I thought it was the fire on the outside of the house, I don’t know how the fire could’ve gotten outside; it was just a thought.
    This is it. I’m going to die. I closed my eyes to help the stinking, my back was in agony, and my chest heaved. It was so hard to breathe, every breath I took was filled with smoke, which burned my throat and made me choke, thus making my eyes water. I felt like I was falling asleep, that pulling feeling you get in your head just as you fall asleep? I got that, but this time I didn’t think I was going to wake up. Oh well, what’s the point anyway? My mommy and daddy obviously didn’t care.

    Then I felt it, in my shoulders, something like claws, gripping me. My eyes flew open and scanned the room. There was fire, everywhere. Every direction I looked was searing fire; I was surprised I wasn’t burning. I’d thank God for that later. The grip on my shoulder became worse, almost painful. I was moving, being dragged along my floor. I screamed and tried to get away, but nothing worked. The grip was too tight, and I still couldn’t make out what it was. All I could see was fire.
    The pulling feeling was back, I was about to fall asleep again. Well, I expected it; I took one final thought of the pain in my shoulder and closed my eyes.


    Amber?” I heard a voice in my head. I raised my hand to my face and wiped my eyes, then opened them. I was taken back by the first thing that I saw. The sky. A big blue sky, with puffy white clouds. I realized I was lying down. Why was I lying down?
    I went to sit up and a small stabbing pain shot up my back, my hand was there in an instant, there was a lump, a bruise I guessed.
    You’re awake! I’m so glad!” it was the voice again.
    “What the?” I rubbed my head, since when was I crazy?
    I’m over here, Amber” I was on my feet at once, looking wildly around.
    I didn’t see anything at first; I was looking on the ground for people.
    Don’t be afraid, Amber. I’m not here to hurt you.
    “It would help if I could see you!” I shouted into the air.
    I’m right up here.” That’s when I saw it. The thing you never believed existed, ever. Sat in the tree, just on the other side of the clearing was a bird, perched on a branch. A bird, a fire bird... A phoenix. It was so pretty. . It sat in a way that would put an eagle to shame; it looked so majestic, chin up and chest out. Its wings were neatly tucked away at its sides. It was a beautiful color, a mixture of gold, crimson and orange. I also noticed the tips of its wings were tinted blue. Its feet were a light orange; they curled around the branch so naturally, like the tree was made for it to sit on. She had long claws; they dug into the branch for grip I guessed. It was beautiful, so unusually beautiful…
    Are you afraid of me?” It asked me, in my head, how did it do that?
    “How are you talking in my head?”
    I don’t know, it’s just how I talk” It flapped it wings and jumped off the branch towards me, it landed on the ground a few feet from me.
    “What’s your name?” I crouched on the floor, she was a huge bird compared to me, I was only little for a seven year old.
    You can call me Skie” Skie… Nice name.
    “Why are you on fire? Does it hurt?”
    No, it doesn’t hurt, I’m a phoenix, and I’m supposed to be on fire.” She explained.
    “What are you doing here with me?”
    I’m here to be your friend
    “Why?”
    I was sent to protect you
    “From what?”
    Anything and everything”
    “What if you have to grab me for any reason?”
    She ruffled her feathers “Then I will...
    “But you’ll burn me!”
    No I wont, I’ve chosen you, Amber, Fire won’t affect you anymore
    “Really?”
    Really.” To prove her point she threw her wings open - they were huge, crimson feathers - and wrapped them around me. I moved back in shock at what she was doing, but came to realize that it didn’t burn me at all; it was just warm, like standing near a radiator. I couldn’t believe it. I raised my hand and placed it at her chest; she really was a beautiful bird…

    “So, we’re friends now” I asked, still examining her feathers.
    Yes, we are. And I’ll forever be where you are.
    “Okay, Friend, where to?”
    Wherever in the world you want…


    So what did you think?? Good bad or ugly? :p
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2009
  2. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    i think you could be a little more descriptive about the bird. but other than that it was good :D
    i should really post mine at some point...
     
  3. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Thankii ^_^ :D
     
  4. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    I think it was good. But I voted great because Im nice like that. I only noticed a couple of typo's, but no major mistakes grammatically speaking. Do you have more written yet? If not, I think Amber should tell Skie she wants to be taken to a Jonas Brothers concert.
     
  5. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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  6. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Lol... She doesn't stay there, no, she goes somewhere utterly spectacular, but you're not alowed to know yet :D:D I'll write more after lost :p

    @ KB > I edited it, I'm just about to put it in, it's the bit where she first see's the phoenix, I made it more descriptive :D