Still working on the name.

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Kally, Jul 4, 2009.

  1. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    This is just the prologue - I'm currently writing it :D

    Side note - Alsequi - Al-sec-key

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    Prologue:

    I was five years old when the Alsequi invaded Earth. I didn’t understand anything then, it all just passed in a blur of madness. People were rushing around with bags, men in uniforms with big guns shooting at the monsters. My daddy was one of the men with the guns. He said he was looking after us and helping us to survive. I didn’t know what he meant at the time. Mommy was scared, always locking the door and closing the curtains. Telling me to be silent all the time. But I was young then, I never understood. I didn’t understand why they were fighting; I didn’t understand why daddy didn’t come home. And I didn’t understand why mommy didn’t wake up one morning. I didn’t understand then. But I do now.

    After about two weeks of fighting, mini-vans and wagons pulled up. They came into our homes, dragging us out and throwing us in to them. They said they were taking us to safety. They were taking us to a place the monsters couldn’t get us. They took the women and children first. I went into a mini-van, and I sat in the back looking out at the landscape. Men walked backwards and forwards with guns, shooting out into the horizon. They scared me, so I looked away and out of a different window.

    When the mini-van stopped, a few men came out of nowhere and helped us out. We were all told to hold hands, like a chain while we walked. We all came to this big door in the ground and climbed down into it. Before I went in, I looked around and saw lots of other people going into different holes in the ground too. So I went in, clutching another boy’s hand. It was dimly lit under there, and we were all taken into a big hall and told to sit quietly for a little while. I did what I was told because I didn’t want to go back out with the monsters. I was too afraid. So I did what mommy always told me to do, and was silent.

    After a little while, a lady in a big black cloak came out of nowhere and spoke to us all. She was very pretty, nice blonde hair and pale face. She smiled to us all, and looked at us with warm, loving eyes.
    “Welcome to Asterlye,” She shouted across the big room, “this is our utopia from the monsters. Every man, woman and child will live here without fear of anything. They cannot breach our walls, and we will not breach theirs. They have claimed this world, taken it upon them to be rid of us all. But we will not fight nor fall! Instead we merely progress, move on in time, and create a new life under the surface of the Earth! Please see me or any of the people standing behind me for questions about anything. Don’t be shy, I know this is a lot to grasp, but it will all be better in time.” She smiled at us all, “Now please, go take a look around, familiarize yourself with Asterlye.”

    Then she turned and walked away, and all of the adults began to shout their questions, and many men stepped forward to stop the oncoming hoard of people. Children cried and mothers comforted. I just sat where I was, still silent. A woman walked up to me and sat down. When I looked at her, I saw it was the same woman that was speaking; she was beautiful close up too. She smiled and stroked my hair.

    “Hello,” she smiled, “My name is Violet, what’s yours?”
    I stared at her a few more moments, awed by her beauty, then realized and blushed, “I’m Silver.” She barely whispered.
    “Silver, that’s a lovely name, do you have a mommy?”
    “No. Mommy didn’t wake up, and daddy didn’t come back from fighting the monsters.”
    Violet looked sad, and Silver stared at her. Violet finally brightened up and smiled.
    “Come with me,” She said standing up and helping me to my feet, “I know exactly what to do.”
    She took my hand and led me over to a man in a black suit.
    “Jeremy,” She said, tapping him on the shoulder. The man turned and smiled, he was obviously stressed, but he tried not to show it, “I’m sorry. This is Silver.” She said, motioning to me, I smiled weakly. Violet continued,
    “She’s lost her parents; I’d like you to place her with all the other orphaned children for now please.”
    Jeremy nodded and bent down and pressed my nose, I laughed.
    “No problem, Violet.” She looked back to me, “Come on then Silver, I’ll take you to some other boys and girls you can be with, okay?”
    I nodded and he led me across the room, I looked back to violet, but she was already gone, walking up to other children sitting on their own.
    “Here you go,” Jeremy said, I looked back at him, “If you just go over there, you stay with them for a little while, okay?”
    “Okay,” I whispered, “Thank you Sir.”

    Jeremy walked of, and I scurried over to the group of children like me. A little girl came up to me, she was smaller and had pigtails. “Hello,” she said to me, “I’m Briony, Who’re you?”
    “I’m Silver.”
    “Come over here!” she pulled me over and we sat down on the cold stone floor, “We’ll be friends okay?”
    Silver smiled, “Okay.”
     
  2. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    Pretty good. Now are you ready for my harsh critzism.........It was pretty good. I liked it, I did notice one mistake-
    “Hello,” she smiled, “My name is Violet, what’s yours?”
    I stared at her a few more moments, awed by her beauty, then realized and blushed, “I’m Silver.” She barely whispered.

    I think that should say I not she?

    I think you did a swell job, a good prolouge!

    p.s. Do all the kids become cannibals when the food runs out?
     
  3. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    Are you going to be posting more here as you write it?
     
  4. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    ^_^ Yeah .....>_> RPing does nothing for my story writing >_<

    And no lol, they do not become cannibals. And ya, I will be posting more as I write it ^_^
     
  5. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    Well if I miss your next post, let me know its here so I can check it out.
     
  6. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

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    LOL, yeah that was really harsh criticism there Raff :D

    Anyways, that was a really good start. I liked the flow of it and it was very interesting. It gave enough information to peak people's interest but it didn't reveal too much in order to keep the reader wanting more. The concept is appealing and I look forward to reading more.
     
  7. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    -bounces on spot-

    ^_^

    Thank you! I'll write more today and post it! :D
     
  8. lacey

    lacey TFF Avian

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    Oooh, I like it! Sure there were point of view mix-ups, but it was a great prolouge.