Slow Six Feet

Discussion in 'Fan Poetry' started by pinkflyingwalruses, Sep 10, 2004.

  1. pinkflyingwalruses

    pinkflyingwalruses Beatnik

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2004
    Messages:
    2,991
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    the von.
    Ratings:
    +8 / 0 / -0
    This is one of my self-therapy poems. So I do not intend to change it, but feel free to comment on it. I would like to kow what you think.

    Dark, silence, whispers in the distance
    A pain in one's gut ever-gnawing
    Waiting, waiting, waiting for the death right at your doorstep
    Puffy-eyed visitors are your only comfort
    Blood, skin, and bone is what you are and will remain until the morphine takes over all
    Frightful visions enter your mind
    Guilt and regret haunt your only memories
    Soon you will be gone.

    In memory of a man I did not know well, but loved dearly.
     
  2. Radagast

    Radagast Art House Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2003
    Messages:
    3,058
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Saskatchewan, Canada.
    Ratings:
    +18 / 0 / -0
    Pretty good. Consider:

    Breaking that into maybe two sentences, since it seems out of place being that long.

    Ex:
    Just my thought. But other than that, great poem!
     
  3. pinkflyingwalruses

    pinkflyingwalruses Beatnik

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2004
    Messages:
    2,991
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    the von.
    Ratings:
    +8 / 0 / -0
    Why thank you. Indeed, that sounds better, but since I published it in my cheap notebook, I don't think I'll change it. Pen is hard to erase anyways.
     
  4. LadyoftheGoldenWood

    LadyoftheGoldenWood Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2004
    Messages:
    19,276
    Likes Received:
    88
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    desolation and insanity
    Ratings:
    +96 / 1 / -2
    i kiled it a lot PFW!! who is the guy you made it for?
     
  5. pinkflyingwalruses

    pinkflyingwalruses Beatnik

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2004
    Messages:
    2,991
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    the von.
    Ratings:
    +8 / 0 / -0
    My grandfather.