Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Turin, Nov 30, 2003.
*falls off chair*
Nice thread, I like it:draught:
So, here is a conversation I actually had with my friend on an instant messenger.
joshuaaaronm: whats up
star_trooper3000: not much
joshuaaaronm: long time no talk
star_trooper3000: long time no talk
star_trooper3000: how are the kids?
joshuaaaronm: Mindy died from spontanious shaken baby syndrome and Jimmy just joined Hitler's youth we are so proud
star_trooper3000: oh good
joshuaaaronm: how are your kids?
star_trooper3000: i was hoping he'd get off the crack
star_trooper3000: they'll beat it out of him
star_trooper3000: my kids?
joshuaaaronm: well there are tose drawbacks to Naziism
star_trooper3000: well, you remember how Sara-Jane was "accidentally" suffocated last fall
star_trooper3000: the police have been poking around
star_trooper3000: i think when one of them wound up impaled on a rake they backed off
star_trooper3000: but other than that, the other 8 are doing okay
star_trooper3000: i stopped feeding them
joshuaaaronm: well they have to get weened off food sometime
star_trooper3000: it was too much of a hassel to carry the food up to all their locked rooms
star_trooper3000: i just bought some IVs
star_trooper3000: it works better
star_trooper3000: the little mexican boy Tonto though, he is still washing dishes as well as ever
star_trooper3000: i'm glad he's indentured to me
joshuaaaronm: did your wife ever get suspicious about him
joshuaaaronm: being Mexican
star_trooper3000: let's just say...
star_trooper3000: a fist a day keeps the questions away
joshuaaaronm: I know what you mean
joshuaaaronm: the wife's brother got suspicious cause of the bruises, well we don't have that problem anymore lets just say there will be an extra seat at the Thanksgiving table this year if you want to stop by
star_trooper3000: since we don't have to cook for the kids i think we may come
star_trooper3000: the hoe can sit on the floor
star_trooper3000: and Tonto catches his own food
joshuaaaronm: no way not in our house she will eat in the kitchen with my wife after the meal is cleaned up
So, yeah. I lost it at that last comment, I couldn't go on I was laughing so hard :-D
Dude, you could get in some serious crap doing stuff like that.
I didn't think I needed one, but I guess I should include a disclaimer... That is not a serious conversation; neither of us have wives or children (anymore!) (that was a joke too ) But seriously, the convo was funny so I saved the transcript and I thought I'd share it. It was just a joke we started and kept going as long as we could.
Well, I knew you wern't serious, but someone could think you were, and you'd be in some VERY deep sh**.
Wow, did I totally kill this thread?? I'm sorry! Keep the jokes coming!
I have a good one, might already be on here:
Q: Why don't women need to wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.
WOMAN DISCOVERS BREAST AUGMENTATION TECHNIQUE
> > MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> > Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
> > husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
> > telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
> > suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
> > piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
> > Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
> > front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
> > "How long will this take?" I asked.
> > "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I
> > stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
> > breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
> Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
> > He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
> > again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
> > straw.
> > Stupid, stupid man.
I love that dude!
A blonde joke
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
>THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A
>TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST
>ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
>My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
>Marrying you screwed up my life.
>I see your face when I am dreaming.
>That's why I always wake up screaming.
>Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
>This describes everything you are not.
>Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you
>'cause I was pissed.
>I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your
>Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
>But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
>and so is your head.
>I want to feel your sweet embrace;
>But don't take that paper bag off your face.
>I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at
>My love, you take my breath away.
>What have you stepped in to smell this way?
>My feelings for you no words can tell,
>Except for maybe "Go to hell."
>What inspired this amorous rhyme?
>Two parts vodka, one part lime
A young woman was going to get married to a very old-fashioned guy. The problem was that she wasn't a virgin and was terrified how he'd react on their wedding night.
She took her problem to an elderly aunt who replied, "Don't worry dear, just put an elastic band around the top of your thigh and snap it back when he enters you. He'll think the sound of it hitting your skin is your hymen snapping."
As her fiance was a virgin himself she didn't think he'd know the difference so she went forwards with new confidence.
The ceremony passed off without a hitch and he propelled them through the reception quickly, obviously eager to get down to it. They headed up to their room and were soon in bed. As he eagerly went for his first thrust she pulled out the band and let go. He froze.
"Darling, what was that?"
"Why my sweet, that was just my virginity snapping," she replied innocently.
"Well just snap it back will you? It's caught around my balls..."
Lmao. Good one.
Lol, haven't visited this thread in a while, but the last few are all great .
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Separate names with a comma.