Rude jokes Rated R14

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Sir_Athos105, Feb 19, 2007.

  1. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    The Secret Box
    Never before had Mary looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

    The box had been there for the past 15 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, her curiosity got the better of her and she decided to open the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

    She opened the box and found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to her husband and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

    He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Mary was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 15 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

    "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.

    "Well, every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."
     
  2. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Blonde Train
    There's a blonde, redhead and a brunette and they decided to go hunting. The brunette went out and came back with a deer. Everyone asked how she got it so she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got a deer. Then the redhead went out and came back with an elephant. Everyone asked how she got it so she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got an elephant. So the blonde saw what was going on and left. When she came back she looked pretty beat up. Everyone asked what happened and she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got hit by a train.
     
  3. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Paper Shredder
    The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" said the secretary. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"

    "Oh its Simple," said the secretary, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

    Still looking confused the man says, "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
     
  4. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Doctors Results
    A man has been feeling ill so he goes to his doctor for a complete check up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

    "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

    "Oh, that's terrible.. i cant believe this" says the man. "How long have I got?"

    "Ten," the doctor says with a sad look on his face.

    "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

    The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
     
  5. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Couples Anniversary
    It was a couples 25th anniversary. The wife says "Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed that i didnt talk for an hour?"

    The husband replied, "Yes honey, I remember, it was the happiest hour of my life"
     
  6. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Bad News First
    A man goes in to see his doctor for a check up. After running some tests the doctor comes out of the back room.

    The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

    The Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

    "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

    "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Says the doc.

    Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
     
  7. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Hamburger Joint
    A man walks into a hamburger joint and orders a hamburger with fries. Five minutes later the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on in the kitchen!"

    So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his dismay, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

    Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
     
  8. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    Amish Driver
    An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

    "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to issue you a ticket, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

    "Oh im sorry officer, I'll let my husband Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish woman.

    "That's fine. One more thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

    Later in the day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

    "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
    "He said the reflector is broken," replied the woman.

    "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

    "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake.."
     
  9. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    A mother was making lunch in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The horrified mother went into the other room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for Two Hours!. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the boy added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the Two Hour delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
     
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  10. saiqa

    saiqa Innocent evil...

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    LOL :D Horrible kid.
     
  11. saiqa

    saiqa Innocent evil...

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    (This is true)

    There's this sex advice column in a newspaper titiled "Ask The Sexpert"

    A woman says "My husband is always on business trips, and rarely home. What should I do?"

    Sexpert says "Well, perhaps you should tell your husband your feelings, in the meantime, satisfy yourself with your fingers."

    -Gross...
     
  12. Kenshin

    Kenshin Drifter

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  13. charlie6078

    charlie6078 rawr

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    lol, ok, i have some. some are nasty but they are still rude.

    Q-whats the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?
    A-i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage

    Q-whats the difference between a trailer filled with sand and a trailer filled with babies?
    A-i can't unload sand with a pitch fork

    Q-whats more fun than watching a baby swing?
    A-stopping it with a shovel

    Q-whats more fun than putting a baby in the microwave?
    A-watching it explode

    Q-how do you stop a baby from drowning?
    A-you don't

    ok, so they revolve around babies :)
     
  14. Kenshin

    Kenshin Drifter

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    call me a terrible person, but dead baby jokes are the funniest IMO:D
    maybe its just because im evil.....
     
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  15. Cheesy Goodness

    Cheesy Goodness The Fighters Guide House Member

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    Q:What do you get when you throw a dead baby down the stairs?
    A: Hard :p
     
  16. charlie6078

    charlie6078 rawr

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    lol. omg lol

    Q-a fat and skinny baby fall off a cliff, who hits the ground fist?
    A-who cares
     
  17. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    ok

    theres a four sided fence, one corner has a rooster,one corner has a worm, one corner has a cat, and one corner has a pond.
    what do you get when the rooster eats the worm, and the cat jumps in the pond?

    a satisfied cock and a wet pussie.
     
  18. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    little boy blue

    hey he needed the money
     
  19. rhapsody of serendai

    rhapsody of serendai Thorn's Lover

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    That's the most evil joke! :yakonyou
    It still made me smile though :eek:
     
  20. rhapsody of serendai

    rhapsody of serendai Thorn's Lover

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    This isn't rude really

    Q. What do you call the useless fatty tissue at the end of the penis?
    A. A man