I'm against hunting. In fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Me: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". Shopkeeper: "Those are pickled onions". I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said, "I was on telly once but I'm no Tom Cruise". I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and said, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he's a catholic converter. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot". I said, "I'll take that as a condiment". Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". A dyslexic man walks into a bra... A seal walks into a club... A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."