[Rated PG] Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by javelin98, Jun 21, 2004.

  1. javelin98

    javelin98 does anyone read these?

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    Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

    10. Noisy doors.
    You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing
    or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding
    doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every
    time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in
    accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty,
    the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.

    9. The Federation.
    This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that
    runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary
    DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing
    around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving
    a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear
    those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people,
    you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to
    not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished,
    that is. So you're screwed.

    8. Reversing the Polarity.
    For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything!
    It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things
    up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE
    that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup,
    they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What
    happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed
    up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
    Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity
    reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously
    explode whenever they put the juice to it.

    7. Seatbelts.
    Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first
    time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over
    the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would
    say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining
    device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make
    something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew
    up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing
    that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in
    the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

    6. No fuses.
    Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations
    and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less
    operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to
    stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go
    shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses.
    And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and
    pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going
    to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the
    least you could do is let me sit down.

    5. Rule by committee.
    Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

    Star Trek:
    Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
    Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
    Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this!
    And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
    Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
    Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
    Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
    Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

    Firefly:
    Captain: "Let's shoot them."
    Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
    Captain: "You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here."
    Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
    4. A Star Trek quiz:
    Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Jones' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

    3. Technobabble.
    The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem
    by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power
    through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused
    a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling
    effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting
    my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the
    Spice Channel for free.

    2. The Holodeck.
    I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people
    would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west
    saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for.
    And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be:
    Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

    1. The Prime Directive.
    How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going
    to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus?
    And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space
    Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing
    time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing
    spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It
    would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2005
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  2. Jessehk

    Jessehk The introverted

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    Very, very funny :D
    I like # 5.
     
  3. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    # 5 is great. I'm a Star Trek fan myself, but I couldn't help but to laugh.
     
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  4. mz-readaholic

    mz-readaholic Use The Force

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    ahhh good one. this sums up why i hate star trek. hahahaha, not entirely... #5 is hilarious.
     
  5. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    My favorite lol

    4. A Star Trek quiz:
    Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Jones' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2007
  6. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

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    it's funny...(very generic answer)
     
  7. SEVENWOLVES

    SEVENWOLVES GET READY FOR PUNISHMENT

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    yep its funny...
     
  8. Kakashi

    Kakashi The Fighters Guide House Member

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    that is so awesome!
     
  9. Turambar

    Turambar Harebrained Staff Member

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    @#10:

    At least Douglas Adam's doors have the wit to declare gratefullness to be able to open and serve. Just an easy soundbite to add to the sliding door effect, of course. Still, if your head happens to be the size of a planet - and your voice sounds like Severus Snape, then you're still go depressed under the situation...

    Funny list, tough :D
     
  10. ~Elladan~

    ~Elladan~ A Elbereth Gilthoniel

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    lol although Geordie quite often switches or combines usage of polarity with the use of the deflector array :)
     
  11. Game player

    Game player New Member

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    Lol now that is funny.I never realized most of those.