[Rated G] Who's on First, Updated

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by javelin98, May 18, 2004.

  1. javelin98

    javelin98 does anyone read these?

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    ”Who's on First” updated ~ Bud and Lou in the 21st Century


    ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOT: Mac©?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

    ABBOT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOT: Mac©?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOT: What about Windows©?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows©?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOT: Software for Windows©?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOT: Office©.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOT: Yes

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOT: Office©.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOT: I recommend Office© with Windows©.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOT: Word©.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOT: Word© in Office©.

    COSTELLO: The only word in “office” is “office”!

    ABBOT: The Word© in Office© for Windows©.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOT: The word you get when you click the blue “W”.

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue “W” if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne©.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOT: RealOne©.

    COSTELLO: Well, if it’s a long movie I might also want to see reels 2, 3, and 4. Can I watch them??

    ABBOT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great, with what?

    ABBOT: RealOne©.

    COSTELLO: OK, now wait a minute. I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOT: You click the blue “1”.

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOT: The blue “1”.

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

    ABBOT: The blue “1” is RealOne© and the blue “W” is Word©.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOT: The Word© in Office© for Windows©.

    COSTELLO: But there's three words in “office for windows”!

    ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word© in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

    COSTELLO: And that word is “real one”?

    ABBOT: No, no! RealOne© has nothing to do with Word. RealOne© isn't even part of Office©.

    COSTELLO: Stop!! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping -- do you have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOT: Money©.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOT: Money©.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

    ABBOT: Money©.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOT: Microsoft© gave us a license to copy Money©.

    COSTELLO: What?!? They can give you a license to copy money?!?

    ABBOT: Why not -- THEY OWN IT!!!

    [Curtain Falls]
     
  2. Jessehk

    Jessehk The introverted

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    hilarious! :D :D Thanks

    heres the original if anyone is wondering
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Who's On First


    by Abbott and Costello

    A Word-for-Word Transcript

    Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

    Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

    Abbott: I certainly do.

    Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

    Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

    Costello: You mean funny names?

    Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

    Costello: His brother Daffy.

    Abbott: Daffy Dean...

    Costello: And their French cousin.

    Abbott: French?

    Costello: Goofè.

    Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

    Costello: That's what I want to find out.

    Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

    Costello: Are you the manager?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

    Abbott: Well I should.

    Costello: Well then who's on first?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy on first.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The first baseman.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy playing...

    Abbott: Who is on first!

    Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

    Abbott: That's the man's name.

    Costello: That's who's name?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

    Abbott: That's it.

    Costello: That's who?

    Abbott: Yes.

    PAUSE

    Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

    Abbott: Certainly.

    Costello: Who's playing first?

    Abbott: That's right.

    Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

    Abbott: Every dollar of it.

    Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy that gets...

    Abbott: That's it.

    Costello: Who gets the money...

    Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

    Costello: Who's wife?

    Abbott: Yes.

    PAUSE

    Abbott: What's wrong with that?

    Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: How does he sign...

    Abbott: That's how he signs it.

    Costello: Who?

    Abbott: Yes.

    PAUSE

    Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

    Abbott: No. What is on second base.

    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

    Abbott: Who's on first.

    Costello: One base at a time!

    Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

    Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

    Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

    Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

    Abbott: That's right.

    Costello: Ok.

    Abbott: All right.

    PAUSE

    Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

    Abbott: No. What is on second.

    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

    Abbott: Who's on first.

    Costello: I don't know.

    Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

    Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

    Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

    Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

    Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

    Costello: What's on base?

    Abbott: What's on second.

    Costello: I don't know.

    Abbott: He's on third.

    Costello: There I go, back on third again!

    PAUSE

    Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

    Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

    Costello: Now who's playing third base?

    Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

    Costello: What am I putting on third.

    Abbott: No. What is on second.

    Costello: You don't want who on second?

    Abbott: Who is on first.

    Costello: I don't know.

    Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

    PAUSE

    Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

    Abbott: Sure.

    Costello: The left fielder's name?

    Abbott: Why.

    Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

    Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

    Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

    Abbott: Who's playing first.

    Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

    Abbott: No, What is on second.

    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

    Abbott: Who's on first!

    Costello: I don't know.

    Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

    PAUSE

    Costello: The left fielder's name?

    Abbott: Why.

    Costello: Because!

    Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

    PAUSE

    Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

    Abbott: Sure.

    Costello: The pitcher's name?

    Abbott: Tomorrow.

    Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

    Abbott: I'm telling you now.

    Costello: Then go ahead.

    Abbott: Tomorrow!

    Costello: What time?

    Abbott: What time what?

    Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

    Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

    Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

    Abbott: What's on second.

    Costello: I don't know.

    Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

    PAUSE

    Costello: Gotta a catcher?

    Abbott: Certainly.

    Costello: The catcher's name?

    Abbott: Today.

    Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

    Abbott: Now you've got it.

    Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

    PAUSE

    Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

    Abbott: So they tell me.

    Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

    Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

    Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

    PAUSE

    Abbott: That's all you have to do.

    Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

    Abbott: Yes!

    Costello: Now who's got it?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    PAUSE

    Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Who?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Naturally?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

    Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: That's different.

    Costello: That's what I said.

    Abbott: You're not saying it...

    Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

    Abbott: You throw it to Who.

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: That's it.

    Costello: That's what I said!

    Abbott: You ask me.

    Costello: I throw the ball to who?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Now you ask me.

    Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: That's it.

    Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

    Abbott: What?

    Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

    Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
     
  3. curunir's bane

    curunir's bane Kwisatch Haderach

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    hahahahahahahahha i remember hearing that one! It was so funny!