Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Turin, Aug 9, 2003.
You can? Then why don't you?
This from the woman who had to have a support group formed to come up with a good insult.
*lmao* How did you know about that? *hides from Nik* At least it was a good insult!
Three New Hampshire surgeons were having lunch together
and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said,
"I'm the best surgeon around. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later, he performed a private concert
for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A
young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident. I reattached them,
and 2 years later, he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a neck tie.
He's now the Democratic nomination for President of the United
so much humor in american politics.........
Ok found this at slashdot
What if Quentin Tarantino directed Star Wars
10. You don't need to see my goddamn indentification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to fill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room . . . accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sending' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah, Chewie got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber . . . it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."
Good one, sir. You wouldn't happen to be showing a side of your opinion on the election, now would you?
Nice one, though.
I heard this on the radio, so it's one of those that works better told than written/read. Oh, and btw I wouldn't classify it as R-rated, but I couldn't be bothered putting it anywhere else.
There's this guy who's never been in a serious relationship before in his young life and he has a girlfriend who is in a similar situation. One day she asks him to come over for dinner the next night and meet her parents. She says that since that is a huge step in their relationship, as a reward for doing that they'll go out afterwards, rent a room and have sex. The guy agrees.
THe next morning, he goes to a chemist to buy some condoms, very happy and excited. The pharmacist politely asks him if he could assist him in any way, and bursting with the need to tell someone of his good fortunes, he tells the pharmacist about his wonderful girlfriend, the dinner with the parents that night, and how he was planning to screw her until the sun came up. Then he added that it was going to be his first time, and he wanted to do things right.
The pharmacist smiles, pats him on the shoulder and congratulates him, and for the next hour they chat, and the pharmacist gives the boy tips and pointers about lovemaking and women. Finally, he asks the boy, "So, do you want a three-pack, a six-pack or a family-pack of condoms?"
The boy grins and says, "Well, I'm gonna give it to her all night, so you'd better make it a family-pack!" And so he buys the condoms and leaves, with the pharmacist wishing him luck.
He arrives at the girlfriend's house, meets the parents, and has dinner, then he and his girlfriend leave. At the rented hotel room, as she waits for him in bed, she notices that he is praying. So she gives him a minute. Five minutes later, she notices that he is still praying. Then ten minutes pass...fifteen...and then twenty.
No longer in the mood, and quite out of patience, she says, exasperated, "Well! I never knew you were so religious!"
Not mindful of her tone at all, he merely says, "Well, I never knew your father was a pharmicist."
...Better late than never
Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think it could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are married
now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
..and, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
Awwww. I always like happy endings.
Couldn't be bothered putting this somewhere else.
It's a song by Avenue Q, a group of Jim Henson-trained puppeteers who did an adult Broadway show including songs such as "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" and "If You Were Gay".
These are two alternative videos (one World of Warcraft and one Anime) for "The Internet is for Porn" Hilarious.
And a clip of the original:
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
Separate names with a comma.