R - Rated ! ! !

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Turin, Aug 9, 2003.

  1. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
     
  2. Kal-EL

    Kal-EL New Supes costume sucks

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    My contribution, silly but fun.


    A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
    counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

    "Magic Beer", he says.

    She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

    "Yes, I'll show you."

    He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

    She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

    She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

    The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"
     
  3. Winterine

    Winterine Ranger-Bard

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    I don't know if you've heard this one before... I can't remember it exactly, but this is the gist of it... it's more funny spoken than read, methinks. And it helps if you're actually out ;)

    A guy and his mates are at a pub, talking about where you get the best drinks. The first guy mentions one particular pub he went to recently. "They're the best," he enthuses. "After you buy three drinks, they give you discounted prices for the rest of the night."

    "That's nothing special," says the second guy. "I've been to a place where you buy a drink, then they'll buy you a drink. You buy another, and they'll give you another for free. You keep buying one, they keep giving you the next for free."

    The last guy says, "Nah, you fellas, I know the best place in the world. I hear you go there, they buy you a drink, buy you a drink, buy you a drink, and then they fuck you."

    "Really?" asks the first guy, impressed. "You've been there?"

    "Not yet," said the third guy. "My sister told me about it."
     
  4. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    What to do when your computer locks up.

    1. Acquire 1/4 stick of dynamite, 1 blasting cap, and approx. 5 inches of fuse. (by legal or illegal means).

    2. Disconnect all peripherals from your computer, unplug it, and take it to back yard.

    3. Insert fuse into blasting cap,then insert cap into one end, and one end only, of dynamite stick.

    4. Place stick under computer.

    5. Run back inside and get any implement that you have to produce fire.

    6. Run back outside.

    7. Produce fire with your implement, then touch fire to the exposed end of the fuse until it crackles or sparks.

    8. Run back inside.

    9. Cover ears.

    Note: It will not be necessary to reboot after completing this procedure.
     
  5. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards
    on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
    noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by
    this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

    Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy
    followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you
    liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it,
    but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he
    is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and
    Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on
    Friday.

    Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her
    the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff
    left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come
    by this afternoon?"
    Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by
    for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy
    thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
    "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed
    the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and
    pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
     
  6. Cheesy Goodness

    Cheesy Goodness The Fighters Guide House Member

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    so, i'm reading in National Geographic about this sushi thing called anoogie. It's supposed to give you a hard erection for a very long time. So i go to the sushi bar arond the cornor, and i ask the guy, "So you have this...uh...anoogie?" so this japanese guy says "Oo yes...anoogie...anoogie good...anoogie give you POWER!!!! One anoogie give you lots of power...two anoogie...thats too much power...three anoogie...you no even think about taking three anoogie."
    so i say "give me 20"
    i go home, take all 20, and i pass out on the couch. In the morning, i try to go to the bathroom, drop my drawers, and this thing whips out of my pants. I have to wrestle with this thing for like 20 minutes before i can even go to the bathroom.
    but me and my wife had sex, it was great
    a few weeks later, my wife sprains her neck while doing yoga, and the doctor sats she has to wear this neck brace. not a big deal, she can still move and everything.
    so a week after that, we go out shopping, get a few things, and go out to eat. we pull into this sushi bar...the same bar i got the anoogie. I say
    "no way...that guy will be there..."
    we go in, and hes there
    he recognizes me with my wife that the brace on and says to my wife
    "you...you come here...ANOOGIE GOOD!!"















    Why does santa have such big balls?

    cuz he only cums once a year lol
     
  7. Crusader

    Crusader Disturber of the Peace

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    no no no!! that doesnt work, why would santa have big balls anyway?

    the joke is "Why is santa's sack so full"
     
  8. aaron.j.cypher

    aaron.j.cypher Aaron, King of the Flakes

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    Could that be an invitation? LOL. :D
     
  9. aaron.j.cypher

    aaron.j.cypher Aaron, King of the Flakes

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    That was awsome! Good one.
     
  10. Cheesy Goodness

    Cheesy Goodness The Fighters Guide House Member

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    why did Raggidy Anne get kicked out of the dollhouse?
    she sat on Pinhicco's (sp) face and said "Lie to me"

    why does Michael Jackson like 26 year olds?
    theres 20 of em

    Where did Michael Jackson go to college?
    Bringemyoung

    (might have already been said...sry if it has been)

    why cant smokey the bear have any kids?
    because every time his wife gets hot he tries to put her out

    what do michael jackson and mcdonalds have in common?
    they both stick 40 year old meat between 10 year old buns

    EDIT: I apoligize for the racist joke i posted before. I didnt mean to offend anyone.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2004
  11. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    ...Not sure why, but for some reason, when I read this...it brings ro mind, a couple of our beloved Forum members... :D


    Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

    Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

    Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

    Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

    Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

    Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

    Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
     
  12. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    I'll assume you're referring to Tin. :halo: :angel1: :halo:
     
  13. Arwen

    Arwen Well-Known Member

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    I think he is referring to the good girls part, Nik ;) :halo:
     
  14. Ancient Warrior

    Ancient Warrior ...geriatric love machine

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    ...well well...speak of the devil(s)... :devilspin :devilspin
     
  15. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    Y'know, One of the devil's names is Nick. Coincidence? I wonder. :p
     
  16. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    HA!
     
  17. Arwen

    Arwen Well-Known Member

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    That hurts, Turin :(
     
  18. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    With all these jokes in here, that small comment gave me my biggest laugh of the day. :D
     
  19. Arwen

    Arwen Well-Known Member

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    you really need to get out more :rolleyes: :p
     
  20. Turin

    Turin Valar Morghulis

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    I'm aware of than, thanks...