Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Turin, Aug 9, 2003.
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? . . . .
You are the wind beneath my wings
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her midtwenties. These two
women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence on my VCR?
I have a man I can never trust. He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boy friend should share half
the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling
around, and when confronted with the evidence, he
denied everything and said it would never happen
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against
I joined the navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He
must be crazy.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is
going though mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he gets to the door, Peggy Sue's father invites him in and says, "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
"That's cool." says Bobby. Father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Father says, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" A few minutes later, Peggy Sue appears wearing poodle skirt & saddle shoes.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," and winks at Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Damn it, DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A man is on a cruise when suddenly a storm comes up...
when he awakes he finds that he is on an island.
The man decieds to investigate the island...
all he finds is a dig and a sheep.
After a long period of time goes by the sheep starts looking good to the man...
so he fashions himself a pair of hip boots out of the reeds.
One day the man puts the boots oin and starts chasing the sheep...
but when he catches the sheep the dog starts attacking the man.
This goes on for quite along time.
Another storms comes up and the man hides for safety...
when it is done he goes exploring.
He sees someyhing in the surf and runs to it...
he notices that it is a woman.
He runs up to her and pulls her onto the beach...
she is unconscious and starts to perform CPR.
She comes too spittering and sputtering...
she looks up at him and bats her eyelashes at him...
You have saved my life, I will do anything you wish.
Anything, he says...
Yes, anything, she says with a blush on her cheeks.
GOOD HOLD THAT DOG!!!
A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand job.
When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!"
Real 911 Calls, believe or not
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,why?
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Disipatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take
his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients
to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything
went quite well. As the National Anthem
started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the
patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts,"
and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled,
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call
against the star of the home team, the Doctor
yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started
booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor
decided to go get a beer and a hot
dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was
going just fine until this guy walked
by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
Here maybe this is more appropriate.
Ouch is right!
The pic says enough
You wanna see more?
Very amusing..keep em coming hehe
New meaning to the word, Knockers
Why Men Shouldn't Babysit
Why Men Shouldn't Babysit
V. Sorry. My friend sent me these in an e-mail
Separate names with a comma.