R rated/dark jokes. Post em here.

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Normf, May 19, 2009.

  1. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Great!
     
  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

    He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
    He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
     
  3. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Nice, very nice.
     
  4. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
     
  5. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
    The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
    Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
     
  6. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
    "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
     
  7. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
    "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
    After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
    "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
     
  8. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
    "Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
    "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
    "No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
    "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
    He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
    "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
    "Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
    "No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
    "Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
    Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
    "Five dollars," was the familiar response.
    "I'll take that too!" the man said.
    As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
    "Why are your prices so cheap?"
    The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
    What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
     
  9. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
    "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
    "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
    "Oh, really? How's that?"
    "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
    "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
    "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
     
  10. Conquer

    Conquer New Member

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    Ahaha Jim, you have a lot of good jokes xD
     
  11. AlphaAlex

    AlphaAlex Official Forum Nuisance

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    heh good ones.
     
  12. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    What's the difference between a man and a woman?

    A man always has the same cock between his legs.

    -----

    What do you get if a push a drum kit down the stairs?

    Ba dum tsssssss!

    -----

    You shouldn't mock people in wheelchairs!

    Well, they should stand up for themselves.
     
  13. Black Tattoo

    Black Tattoo The Corruptor

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    LOL - Thanks for the much needed laugh! :)
     
  14. Nintindoid

    Nintindoid New Member

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    A man and his wife go to thier honeymoon hotel for thier 25th annivirsary. As the couple reflected on the magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, " When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, " All I wanted to do was **** your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "Looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
  15. Nintindoid

    Nintindoid New Member

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
     
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  16. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Great ones both! And your signature is a good one too!

    Welcome to TFF by the way Nintindoid.
     
  17. Nintindoid

    Nintindoid New Member

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    How do you know if an Asian just robbed your house?

    Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the ****er is still trying to pull out of your driveway.