R rated/dark jokes. Post em here.

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Normf, May 19, 2009.

  1. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    busteeeeedddd!!!!!!!!!:nono::nono::nono::nono::nono:
     
  2. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Well, okay. But I suggest that you don't read my really long post on here. It's really disturbing.

    Unless, of course, you want to be able to see innards without throwing up.

    But seriously. It is freaking disturbing.
     
  3. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    I won't read it Zane. :)
     
  4. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Read it.
    Isn't exactly that horrible.
    I've read/seen worse
     
  5. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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  6. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Okay, even the thought that there could be something even more disturbing than this scares me.
     
  7. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Ever read "The girl with the dragon tattoo"?
    if you read that and watch the film (same for the other two books/films in the trilogy) then you'd start getting there
    skinning a rabbit is sort of the same
    and people with there heads run over by a car is a pretty gruesome sight
    and...
    I could go on

    the story was a little long for my taste
     
  8. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    First of all, I tried reading it, but it was too advanced for my tastes.

    Secondly, I've watched 1000 Ways to Die, mainly for the cute pun at the end, and I've seen those deaths. Those are tame compared to that story.

    Would it make more sense if it was broken up into parts?
     
  9. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I think that you'd just have to cut bits out. It's really too long.
     
  10. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Okay...

    A man walks into an alley and gets simultaneously crushed to death and drowned when a giant penis shoves him into a giant v****a and starts having sex with it.
     
  11. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Hitler: Dammit Himler! I said "A Glass of Juice" not "Gas the Jews"!
     
  12. hatchet13

    hatchet13 The Nasty Tusken

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    Heres a couple of bad ones....

    What is the best part of an Ethiopian girl giving you a blowjob?
    You know she'll swallow.

    What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
    Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

    Why do chemists put cotton buds in the tops of their drugs bottles?
    To remind niggers they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers

    Who are the fastest readers in the world?
    New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds

    What do you call 100 dead babies thrown off a building?
    A baby shower

    What does a bloke with a two foot cock have for breakfast?
    This morning i had toast.

    What position does it take for a woman to give birth to an ugly ****ing kid?
    Ask your mum

    How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
    Pick him up and give him a blowjob.
     
  13. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Those are some pretty good ones. You should come back and be active again.
     
  14. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    So a Roman Catholic priest is waiting for a bus when a disheveled man sits down beside him and begins to read the newspaper. The man has lipstick all over his face, he's bedraggled, and he's obviously drunk, and has most likely had sex. The priest is quite disgusted by his appearence.

    After a while, the bedraggled man leans over to the priest.
    "What are some of the causes of arthritis?" he said in a slurred tone.
    The priest looked at him. "Excuse me?"
    "What are some of the reasons that a man gets arthritis?" the man repeated in the same tone.

    The priest thought then that maybe he could talk some sense into the man discreetly.
    "Well," the priest said, "arthritis is caused when a man has poor hygene, drinks great quantities of alcohol, smokes, and has large amounts of sex in short periods of time."
    "Ah. I see," the man said. He went back to reading the paper.

    The priest felt bad for saying that, so he leaned over to the man and said "So how long have you had arthritis?"
    The man turns and looks at the priest. "What are you talking about?"
    The priest was confused with the man's reaction. "Well, don't you?"
    "Oh, no," the man said. "I'm reading an article about the pope having arthritis."
     
  15. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Very nice! Now your back we can have lots of good dirty jokes!
    Are you 16 then now? If yes, then happy birthday for whenever it was.
     
  16. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Disgust:
    That feeling that Quirrel got when he realized that unicorn blood and ogre jizz look alike to the untrained eye...

    And that Voldemort can't tell the difference.
     
  17. Conquer

    Conquer New Member

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    rofl these jokes are hilarious
     
  18. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Why was the Polack arrested for indecent exposure?
    Someone asked him to count to eleven.

    What do you call a Russian nerd?
    A red square.

    A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
    He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
    "I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
    "Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
    "Well, what about anal sex?"
    "Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
    "There is always oral sex."
    "Nope, she has pyorrhea."
    "Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
    "That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

    Definition of Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
    Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
    The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
    "Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman -- she is dead!"
    "Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu - I took her for an American!"
     
  19. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I didn't understand the first 2, and necrophilia actually means those that love death/dead bodies, not in a doing it way.
     
  20. hatchet13

    hatchet13 The Nasty Tusken

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    A Priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says "What about the kids?!" The Rabbi says "**** the kids!" and the Priest says "Do you think we'll have time?".

    How do they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
    They found her Head & Shoulders in the glove compartment.

    Man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Can I get some birth control for my 10 year old daughter? The pharmacist says "You have a sexually active 10 year old daughter!? The man says "Sexually active?", "Hell no!, She just lies there and cries most of the time".

    Why do black people walk the way they do?
    You'd walk funny too if you spent the first 9 months of your life dodging a coat hanger.


    I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags. I asked her what was going on, and she says through her tears, "You're a paedophile!"
    And I said, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year old."

    A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.