prolouge for my book:D

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by harmonixer554, Mar 27, 2009.

  1. harmonixer554

    harmonixer554 The Bringer Of The End Of Times... and Cookies

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    Prologue *re-looked

    Prologue

    Over in the depths of the forgotten empire lived an archmage know as Evintile, Evintile was born in a City know as Galcnovire there he studied to be a academic student (involves use of magic) after graduating he became one of the most renown scientist for his dark energy converter it had the power to harness dark energy then power different things and even bring humans back to life. He was one of the select few corrupted by the Arcion stone. The mage had constructed a demonic bridge gate leading to the plains of hell he did this by building a giant dark energy converter and reversing the change to let a big pulse of energy out to charge the gate, where he was to call a mighty wraith across what is known as Terenmire, the motherland of the elves. The king at the time sent all the men he could to destroy this gate. Unfortunately, all this was in vain, for the Gorgon towers were able to detect the force and annihilate it, so the king decided to send a small task force of heroes to destroy this gate with the stone of Eden. Legend has it that if the stone of Eden is destroyed inside a demon gate, there will be peace and harmony in the world, so the heroes did as the king instructed and destroyed the stone inside the gate and restored peace to the world. But how long could this peace last?


    i can write more than this if it is not enouth to give an exsample to the book. leave feedback
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2009
  2. harmonixer554

    harmonixer554 The Bringer Of The End Of Times... and Cookies

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    all so it might be a bit generic dont know though
     
  3. EstuansInterius

    EstuansInterius Ira vehementi

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    The grammar errors make it too difficult to follow. Let me try to fix some for you.

    Over in the depths of the forgotten empire lived an archmage know as Evintile. He was one of the select few corrupted by the Arcion stone. The mage had constructed a demonic bridge gate leading to the plains of hell, where he was to call a mighty wraith across what is known as Terenmire, the motherland of the elves. (Wordy, but now grammatically correct) The king at the time sent all the men he could to destroy this gate. Unfortunately, all this was in vain, for the Gorgon towers were able to detect the force and annihilate it, so the king decided to send a small task force of heroes to destroy this gate with the stone of Eden. Legend has it that if the stone of Eden is destroyed inside a demon gate, there will be peace and harmony in the world, so the heroes did as the king instructed and destroyed the stone inside the gate and restored peace to the world. But how long could this peace last?

    Hmm.. kinda weird. You don't do nearly good enough a job of building this world for me. It's all kinda fuzzy and just weird, and too alien for me to get into it or empathize with the plight of its inhabitants. That's not to say that strange is taboo, but if its going to be so weird, you should do a better job of building it up first, starting with the more familiar parts.