I would sit there in silence, feeling all that is around me, calming myself and quieting my soul. It is here that I would make the effort to reconnect myself to my God. My understanding of the world is constantly changing and evolving, but He has remained the same. He was and is always here, in this space. I deepen my breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. I organize and push aside all thoughts and current issues that have been on my mind. The constant churning of thought that has always resulted in chaos and confusion slowly subsides, the emotions of anger, fear, and despair that are otherwise constantly present grow quiet and fall beneath me. I take several more deep breaths, my eyes now closing and watching the black lights that dance beneath my eyelids. I focus passed them and prepare myself. This space is deep, whether within me or on some other plane I am unsure. The door, though invisible, is like a thick velvet curtain, heavy with weight, but I know this is His place, and that I am not only allowed, but welcome within at any time. I take a moment, feeling out the doorway, the threshold to this place and remembering the sacrifice that it took to allow me to enter in. I start in and fight down the chaos that briefly bursts back into my mind, I know what entering means I will have to face, but I also know what happens after I leave. I press in, my head bowed. I feel the weight of my ill will and wrongdoing hanging onto my spirit, like a wet, suffocating towel. I begin, “Uhm, good evening.” I know He is paying attention, I can feel His attention being directed at me. I do not feel judged, I do not feel anger, only my own shame in what I had done, time and time again. This was not a shame I carried from day to day, it was not something that I worried about, it did not disturb my rest, it was not an obsession. I didn't even notice the weight on my spirit until I stepped into here, where things become so painfully clear and priorities realign. I begin talking, going over what I had done. I'm no criminal, I've never murdered, raped, or stole anything...big. I'm certainly odd to my fellow humans, but on the whole I'm fairly innocent. But here, recalling events when I should have acted, when I should have done what is right, when I should have helped them, knowing the thoughts that have gone through my head, knowing the spite and anger I had felt, knowing the lies that I had said to stay out of trouble instead of doing the right thing in the first place. It all felt so heavy here. I talked to Him, I could see how I reflected poorly on Him, I could see the pain that I had caused on both the ones I loved in the physical reality, but also the pain I caused Him whom I also loved, yet help so poorly. My only job here on Earth is to help those around me, to support them and to help them up when they have issues, but I've failed at that miserably so far and I felt it. Knowing the pain that I had caused others, how I had explicitly harmed them, and those around them and those around me; the pain in turn hurt me. It was but a small token of what I had caused. At the end of it He finally said something. He said, “I still love you, I forgive you” He smiled at me and the weight lifted from me. One cannot explain the feeling of liberation when one's wrongdoing has been utterly erased from one's spirit. Through the process I managed to close the distance between us and hug Him tightly, my eyes starting to tear up. We would talk for some time after that, feels like forever, just us. Sometimes He'll tell me of some things that need to be done, sometimes He'll give me suggestions, sometimes I'll get chastised, but in all things He has always been gentle with me. He's never so much as raised His voice at me, but always provides a path for me to get better. He knows that I seek to be with Him in the end, that (while terrible at it) I seek to help and be a positive impact on those around me, and that even when my life has been threatened that I've look up at Him and said that I was ready if He should decide it was my time. Eventually we bid a goodbye of sorts, not that He wouldn't be with me for at least as long as I don't shut Him out, but I did leave that space. My eyes often and I sniff up the gunk that has filled my sinus cavity since I was last consciously in my body. I wipe my eyes, noticing that the tears had been falling long enough that my collar was wet. I slowly stand, stretching muscles that had stiffened. Glancing at the clock roughly two hours has passed since I began. The chaos and swirl of emotion did not resurface and laid dormant as my mind was wholly taken over my a sense of complete peace. I would sleep well and arise with a sense of internal peace and cleanliness that would remain until I managed to go fall back into my own decadence. But even when I did, when I committed the first ill and felt that connection and peace snap like an old rope, I knew where to find Him and I knew where to become clean again. I always know where to look to find that peace again.