Opening Paragraph

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Faith_The_Prophecy, Aug 1, 2006.

  1. Faith_The_Prophecy

    Faith_The_Prophecy The Prophecy..coming soon

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    Ok so I am attempting to write a fantasy novel (Im only 15 so im not the best writer). And this is the opening paragraph. If you read this, What did you think? Would you want to continue with the story? Be honest. Thanks

    Cries filled the air and the smell of blood so strong you could taste it. A plague of evil swept across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation.
    ''Nethada wake up. You must sit'' explained the woman. She was a Docri, a healer. She helped soldiers wounded in war. She pressed her hand against his back and lay him against a wall.
    ''W-W-Where is my f-father?'' mumbled Nethada. A look of great sadness covered her face.
    '' I am afraid we could not help him''
    ''WHAT?'' yelled Nethada. He sprung from his bed, his bloody hands now wrapped around her neck.
    ''His injuries were to great. Now please you must sit''
    ''You are supposed to heal people. So heal him!'' Nethada pinned her against a wall and looked deep into her teary eyes.
    ''Nethada you can not stand. You are not healed''
    ''Do not tell me what I am, stupid Slum. My Father is King, he is out there fighting for you kind and you, you-.'' His knees felt weak. They could not sustain his weight any longer. Nethadas grip loosened and his hands slipped from her neck. He felt his knee crack in half. The pain was too much to bare and he gave up fighting it. Blood filled his eyes blurring his vision as he collapsed to the ground.
    ''Get a Docre. Quickly!'' screamed the Docri.
    ''It's alright Nethada I will not let you go''
    Maybe it was too late for him. The once bright room now dark. The pounding of the rain could no longer be heard. His body lay still. He was wounded. He was weak. He was numb
     
  2. Dann21

    Dann21 New Member

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    Not bad at all, but it reads more like a teaser then an opening paragraph. I would suggest taking more time to build the characters up before diving into a high drama scene like this one, people will react to it much better if they have already begun to develope a relationship with the characters involved.