naughty jokes.

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by JIM, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
    Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other.
    as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other
    " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
    The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
     
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  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
    "In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...
    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
     
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  3. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
    But the man thought while looking around, Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
    Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
    The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
    He soon falls asleep.
    Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
    Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
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  4. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
    "How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.
    Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
     
  5. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Old 'out Of Gas' Rou..
    Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
    "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
    "The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.
    "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"
     
  6. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
    Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
    "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
    The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
     
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