my work in progress

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Kenshin, Jun 25, 2008.

  1. Kenshin

    Kenshin Drifter

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    k, so the other night I finally got my ass up and wrote a little. Course I only got one page in my notebook filled out, but whatever. I think its a decent start. THink being the operative word here.

    BUT. without further ado.... MY... first page of my story *dramatic music*

    The moon glared down at the Tethis Plains, bathing the hills and flatlands in a soft, pale glow. A light wind caressed the long grass, setting it swaying in the breeze. It was a peaceful scene, with the sounds of the night animals drowning out the problems of the world.

    Elsie Blackguard stared into her small campfire, the flames dancing in her bright blue eyes. She shivered slightly and wrapped her blood red cloak tighter about her shoulders. She also looked down to her feet, where the box sat. It was a small box, no more than 4 inches long and 4 inches wide. Elsie picked up the small container and glanced inside. Good. It was still there. She could not afford to lose it again, not after what happened last time. She tucked the box ito a pocket on the inside of her cloak. It would be safe there, at least until they caught up with her again.

    "Bastards," Elsie thought to herself.

    She had been running from the Order the past week, trying to evade their greedy, albino hands. They always seemed to catch up with her, however, which led her to traverse Tethis Plains, where there was little to no protection from the sun. They were much weaker during the day, which Elsie took full advantage of, traveling across as much ground as she could in the daylight. So far, she hadn't run into anyone, or anything. Actually she had run into absolutely nothing. The plains were as dull and barren as a whitewashed wall. Elsie yawned. She leaned back, ready to indulge in some much need rest. Something caught her eye however. Three dark forms, coming down from a nearby hill, at an alarming speed. They were running straight for her.

    She swore as she rose, muttering a spell to enlarge the fire. Maybe it would buy her some time. She scooped up her pack and dashed into the night.
     
  2. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

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    Interesting, seems as though you've got a good beginning here. Not enough has been written to thoroughly grasp the concept or where this is headed but I'm assuming you are still working on it. Keep at it, I'm sure it will develop to become a good story.
     
  3. Kakashi

    Kakashi The Fighters Guide House Member

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    Cool story, so far.

    It would be a decent teaser, indeed.

    Just one thing i would change- Instead of saying "no more than 4 inches long and 4 inches wide" i would say no larger than a "insert item of your choice here"

    i just think it might make it flow better. Just my opinion, of course, and i'm no expert.
     
  4. Kenshin

    Kenshin Drifter

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    @ Kak: Thanks, I think that's a good idea

    @ Dragn: oh yes, I'm working on some more, I just wanted to post what I have so far to get a little feed back. Thanks for your comment. =)
     
  5. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    I really like the concept of this piece... the renegade on the run. Please post more when you get a chance.