My unnamed story!

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by AmyLynn, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. AmyLynn

    AmyLynn New Member

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    **This is the prologue to a story I've started to write. I got my characters off a website but I can't find it!! I have three chapters besides this written. I'm stuck. I know what I kind of want to happen but I can't fully bring my story there. I'm scared I'll end up copying some other author without even knowing I'm doing so. Feel free to leave feedback. If you have any questions just ask. If your going to be rude please don't even bother I don't need that kind of thing!**


    Prologue

    My name is Vana. Actually it’s Vanadesse but I prefer that people call me Vana. I don’t know what my parents were thinking when they named me. I don’t even know who my parents are. They left me with my grandmother when I was just a few months old. Even though we have a close relationship they are the one thing she wont talk to me about. We live in Bangor Maine, in one of the nicer sections of town. We actually live only a few houses down from Stephen King. I haven’t had the opportunity to meet him. Our house is an old two story. It’s white with blue shutters, and it has a huge front porch. Gram bought the house shortly after I came to live with her. She’s kind of made it her project. I believe it’s estimated to be from the 1800’s. Bangor maybe a small city but it‘s the only one for miles around. Everyone from the outlying towns come here to do their shopping or to go to work. I’m a popular Sophomore at the local high school. I'm smart for my age. I have a 4.0 GPA without even trying. I’m 5’5” and petite with long golden blond hair. My eyes, a pale ice blue, are framed by long thick lashes and are set in a pale perfect face. I’ve been told that I could be a model if only I were 18. I have the greatest best friend anyone could ask for. His name is Alex. We've been friends since we could talk. I’m a normal teenager. or that’s what I thought until my 16th birthday. That’s when things started getting weird.
     
  2. EstuansInterius

    EstuansInterius Ira vehementi

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    Hmmm.... it may or may not be unoriginal. I'd want to read more before passing judgment.
     
  3. AmyLynn

    AmyLynn New Member

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    I'm not even sure I want to post more now.
     
  4. Darkloch

    Darkloch Love Sara

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    I would also like to read more, its to little to make up my mind, but its enough to catch my attention.
     
  5. AmyLynn

    AmyLynn New Member

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    **I feel kind of stupid posting my story on here. Like I said I suck at writing. I have good story ideas I just cant seem to manage to make it come out right on paper! but here it goes...**



    Chapter 1



    I was just waking up when I saw a shadow pass over my closed eyes. I cracked one open just a tiny bit to see the sun shining through my window and someone standing over me. I groaned. My Grandmother. I lay there and pretended to be asleep for just a little bit longer. Today is Saturday, January 10th. My dreaded birthday. That meant I’d have to put on a show for Gram. I hate birthdays but it makes her happy to make a fuss out of them. I decided I might as well get it over with so I opened my eyes. As soon as I did she yelled

    “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!”

    I plastered a fake smile on my face.

    “Thanks Gram.”

    “Hurry up and get out of bed. I’ve made you a big breakfast and we are having some of your friends over later. A girl only turns 16 once you know!” she exclaimed as she bustled out of my room.

    I sighed quietly to myself as I got up. A bunch of people over for my birthday was the last thing I wanted. I stopped at the window on the way to my closet. There was a thick blanket of snow on the ground. I made a face. It had snowed again last night. I hate snow. It’s just so wet and cold. Although there’s an upside, the sun is out and with any luck the snow will melt. I was getting ready to walk away from the window when I noticed there was someone sitting in the tree in our backyard. I couldn’t get a clear look at him but I thought it might be Alex. I started to open the window to yell at him. As soon as I got it half way up the man snapped his fingers and disappeared. What? No that can’t be. I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times. I just couldn’t believe it. I walked away from the window. Had there really been someone in that tree? I shook my head again, got dressed and headed down stairs. I decided that maybe I was just overtired.

    The whole downstairs was decorated. Gram had gone overboard again. Everywhere I looked there were streamers, balloons, and any thing she could find that said “Happy Birthday”. I turned the corner into the kitchen and there Gram was. She had the biggest smile on her face. She was sitting at the table with a huge meal laid out in front of her. Mental sigh. This is going to be a very long day.

    After breakfast Gram let me escape to Alex’s house until the party. I told her that way the party would be some what of a surprise.

    He had the door open before I could even knock.

    He smiled and said “Hey, I was just on my way over to your house. Happy Birthday Vana.”

    I groaned.

    He laughed. “Aw come on it’s not that bad. You act like it’s the end of the world.” He slung his arm over my shoulder and towed me into the house.

    “You know I hate crowds of people Alex. You also know I hate it when people make a fuss over me.”

    “You should be used to it by now. Everyone makes a fuss over you wherever you go.” He patted me on the shoulder.

    I sighed. It was true. At school I always had a huge group of people around me. I hated it. They all just wanted the popularity that goes with being friends with me. Alex was different though. He was just as popular as I was but he was the type of friend I could hang out with and be myself around. Not like the other kids. They never really wanted to hang out with me or take the time to get to know me. I was just another pretty face to them.

    We walked into his room and there was a huge present sitting on his bed. I shook my head at him.

    “You keep that thing away from me until the party. I told you I didn’t want anything.”

    “Alright. Look, I’ll cover it up and you can pretend its not even there.” He said as he threw his blanket over it.

    I plopped down in the chair next to his bed. He immediately grabbed the controller for his Xbox 360 and sat down on the floor in front of me. I studied him for a moment. Debating on telling him about the man in the tree. Alex is handsome for a 17 year old boy. He’s 6’0” and skinny. He’s got brown hair and dark brown eyes. He’s been the one person I could always count on. He must have known I was staring at him cause he looked up at me with a puzzled expression.

    “What’s wrong?” He asked. He always knows when something is bothering me.

    “I was just thinking about something that happened earlier. I’m not sure how to tell you or if I even should. I don’t even believe myself how can I expect you to?”

    He put down the controller and sat on the bed beside me.

    “You know that I’ll always believe you Vana. Just spill already.”

    I sighed. “Fine. I was looking out my bedroom window this morning and I swear I saw someone sitting in the oak tree in the backyard.”

    “Uh, what do you mean sitting in? was he watching your house?”

    “Yea he was just sitting in the tree watching my house. I thought it was you at first but when I went to open the window to yell, he…he…” I let my voice trial off.

    “He what Vana? Come on just say it!” He nudged my arm.

    “Well he snapped his fingers and disappeared.”

    He busted up laughing. “your kidding me. Nobody just snaps their fingers and disappears.”

    I slapped him. “You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m being serious. I really saw him snap his fingers and vanish into thin air!”

    He looked down at his lap with a puzzled expression. “What did he look like?”

    “I don’t know. I didn’t see his face clearly. It was really strange. I don’t dare to tell anyone else. I don’t want them to think I’ve gone nuts or worse I don’t want Gram to panic.”

    We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I hoped that he would believe me.

    “Well,” He said. “We’ll figure it out. Maybe you’ll see him again. If not, then the shadows could have just been playing tricks on you.”

    With that he got up and sat back on the floor to play his video games. I sat there torn between watching him play and thinking about the strange man in the tree. I was curious. I almost hoped I would see him again just so I knew I wasn’t crazy. We stayed that way until it was almost time for the party. He pretty much had to drag me to my house. I already knew how this was going to go. All my fake friends would show up. I’d have to put on a fake smile and pretend that I love all the attention. I would have to open up their gifts, most of which I would end up shoving into the back of my closet. This is how it went every year since I turned 10. Alex and Gram are the only ones who know who I am or what I really like. I’m not one for frilly, fuzzy pink things or make-up. Just give me a good book.

    The party went on for what seemed like hours. I tried to act as happy as I could but I was distracted. Whenever I got the chance I would pass by the windows looking for the strange man. By the end of the party and after all the whisperings between Alex and I, we decided that the shadow of the tree had played tricks on me. Alex stuck around for a few hours after the party. I think, even though we had agreed it was all my imagination, he was hoping the guy would reappear.

    When he finally left it had been such a long day that I decided to just curl up in bed with my well used copy of “Twilight”. Stephanie Meyer is my favorite author. A good book like this always helps me escape
     
  6. Darkloch

    Darkloch Love Sara

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    Pretty good. Of course its not the most original but sometimes you don't need to be original to be good. If I were you I would keep writing until you have maybe 20 pages, then if you feel "hell no, this just isn't good enough", start over.
     
  7. AmyLynn

    AmyLynn New Member

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    you dont even know the idea behind the story. how can it not be original when you don't have the slightest clue as to who the girl is or whats happening to her?
     
  8. Darkloch

    Darkloch Love Sara

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    "Normal girl finds out the world/she is not so normal" is tried and true, and not necessarily a bad thing. I'm sorry if I offended you or assumed to much on the basis of that chapter, but that's my two cents and I am sticking to them.
     
  9. Hangmountain

    Hangmountain New Member

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    One thing you shuold think of is to build up the tension and give the reader a bit more information and feelings for the main character/characters before things start to happen. If you do that it's easier for the reader to understand the characters actions and reactions. Also it's more fun to read then.

    But write on it could really become something of this.
     
  10. AmyLynn

    AmyLynn New Member

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    I was going for the Girl finds out shes an elf princess and has to save her world which is hidden but shes fallen in love with the son of the evil dude type thing
     
  11. Hangmountain

    Hangmountain New Member

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    ok but what I meant was that you shuold revail the plot just a little bit at the time. Let her be normal for awihle and slowly make her feel like she loses her mind. Another angel of that could be that you decides to make her not tell anyone about the man she saw and so on.
     
  12. Black Tattoo

    Black Tattoo The Corruptor

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    I agree with the suggestions for building up the tension, as my own recommendations would be along the same lines. However, i do like your plot idea:

    "I was going for the Girl finds out shes an elf princess and has to save her world which is hidden but shes fallen in love with the son of the evil dude type thing".

    Maybe not the most original idea, but it's all in the delivery...how YOU tell the story, how YOU make the reader see through your eyes and that is the challenge and the obsession of so many writers :)