My story (haven't got a title yet)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Caralina, Aug 18, 2006.

  1. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    The main characters in my fantasy world

    Caralina:

    The main character. A mercenary . She’s different than most other people, due to the fact that she is of an ancient and almost extinct race – the Elves. No one but she knows her background. She was born in the lands of Men, but was raised by Elven standards. As she is also of royal birth, and gifted with magical abilities that exceeded even that of her legendary mentor, she was trained in the arts of magic. But her mentor knew that magic wasn’t always enough, so he also made sure she was trained in the use of weapons and fighting with hands and fists. All of this she exceeded in, being a genius prodigy. But she was never satisfied. Her mentor said her fate was to restore the royal line of the Elves, and to rebuild their kingdoms of old. But this was not her wish. All she ever wanted was a life of solitude and peace. And so she decided to journey around the world to find her true fate. This was however a problem. Her mentor tried to prevent her from going, and it evolved into a fight of enormous proportions. She eventually killed her mentor, and, upon realizing what she had done in the heat of battle, fled.

    The mentor:

    His name is Aidan. As a young elf he travelled the world in search of magic and lore. When he returned, he had pulled off quite some amazing stuff, and he was so named the Legendary One. Upon receiving a battle wound in one of the wars that destroyed the kingdoms of the Elves, he started mentoring students instead. His first student was bright, observative and talented. But he betrayed Aiden, taking with him Aiden’s magical eye, never to return. He then waited a long time, refusing to mentor anyone until Caralina was born. Her parents died shortly after, and he ended up raising her as his daughter. He wished for her to restore the glory of the kingdoms of the Elves, and raised her to be fair and kind to all, while also teaching her to defend herself. But, when she defied his will, wanting a different fate, he challenged her to a magical battle to determine what she should do. Alas, he lost. In the fury of battle he cast a spell he never should have cast, and Caralina ended up killing him.

    Kaidien:

    The mentor’s first student. No one knows why he turned against his mentor and stole his magical eye. He was always a strange, cold boy, but not even the Elders of the Elves ever expected him to turn to darkness. He now rules the main army of Dark Men, trying to conquer the lands of the Men of Light – as well as gaining all the magical knowledge and power in the world. It is not known how strong he really is, but all that has gone up against him has failed.







    Other characters:

    The mercenary band:

    Hephai: A rogue Man of Light, he met up with Caralina some years ago during a battle against the Dark Men. Though they ended up in a drunken fight during the feast on the night of victory, they fast became friends. He is a loyal person, and would fight to the death for his leader and mistress; Caralina. No one really knows the reason for his status as a rogue, as he suffers from amnesia, and cannot remember himself.

    Matheus: Another member of Caralina’s mercenary band, he is the finest archer in the Kingdoms of the Men of Light. But one day, while having a moving target practice, he accidentally hit his twin brother, Armand, and killed him. Not even Matheus knows how he mistook his own twin brother for a practice illusion, but he is suspicious of the earlier Castle Mage that created the illusions that day. The Castle Mage went over to the side of the Dark Men for reasons unknown, and Matheus is therefore very eager to go to battle – hoping that the Dread Mage with the army will be his suspect, so that he can find out the truth about that day. He doesn’t know Caralina’s background, but feels a strange kinship with her anyways when talking about the incident.

    Patric: Patric is the “baby” of the band, being only 18 years of age. A commoner, he learned to fight in the streets, and later gained some military training. But, he as he discovered when he tired of having superiors calling him down all the time, the army life was not for him – and so he set out to become a mercenary. He ended up on the wrong side of a group of renegade soldiers, but was saved in the nick of time by Caralina’s band. They offered him a place in their group when they discovered his little “talent” of managing to sweet talk any barmaid into giving them a place to rest for the night.

    Naberius: Naberius is the band’s berserker. He comes from the Northern Kingdom, but left for reasons of his own. The day he joined the mercenaries was a special one. There had been a large battle some days before, and as he rode across the battlefield, he saw a beautiful woman lying on the ground. Someone had left her for dead, or so he thought, and he decided to help her out. He made shelter some ways off, and bandaged her wounds, using a poultice from his homeland to speed her healing. Suddenly, the little shelter was under attack! He rushed to his weapons, and stood before the woman to make sure she didn’t get hurt again. Just as the men were about to charge, he heard a commanding voice from behind him. “Stop!” He turned around to see the woman standing up, leaning against the trunk of a tree. “Does it look like he’s trying to hurt me in any way? No? Well, back off then, or I’ll give you all a beating you’ll never forget!” The woman was, of course, Caralina. She offered him their company for as long as he’d like it, and he’s stayed with them ever since.



    The World

    The Kingdoms of the Men of Light

    Galien:

    The original Kingdom of the Men of Light, Galien is a beautiful and prosperous kingdom with a large standing army. The capital, Lauriendal, is only surpassed in beauty by the ancient cities of the Elves. In the center of the city there is a huge palace called the Spring Castle, and the Emperor and Empress lives therein. The outer city is a beautiful, but completely confusing, warren of streets and buildings. The people is generally happy, but as all boys are forced to join the army at the age of 14 and all women have to wear their hair styled according to their rank, some think the rules are too strict.

    The Northern Kingdom:

    The Northern Kingdom of the Men of Light was originally uninhabited mountains, but on one of the many Expeditions of Discovery held by the Third Emperor of the Men of Light, there was discovered hot springs with almost supernatural healing properties. The mountains were therefore inhabited, and the leader of the Men sent there made the Lord of the North. After a while, they evolved their own type of warriors; the Berserkers. During battle, those with the berserker magic in them would transform and grow, gaining immense strength and abilities. The only downside of this is that a berserker has to recover for a day and a night before being able to call upon the Rage again.

    The Southern Kingdom:

    This Kingdom is located to the far South of Galien. It was discovered a decade after the Northern Kingdom, and fast became a retreat for the nobles of Galien due to the warm climate and cool breezes coming in from the Sea. In later years, the Southern Kingdom has become a prosperous port that trades with people from all over the World. This has brought with it everything from pirates and rogues to wealthy merchants. It is ruled by the Lord of the South.


    Forest of Light:

    Though not really a part of the Kingdoms of the Men of Light, it is not a part of the Darklands either. It is inhabited by a nomadic people, where each clan rules themelves. They live in peace with the nature around them, not having any warriors or fighters, but they use powerful concealing magic to hide if anyone ever means them harm. The Forest is a place of great beauty, but can also be dangerous for those not used to being outdoors. There are many exotic animals living there, both harmless and dangerous.




    The Darklands:

    The Plains of Destruction:

    The Plains are a dangerous, desert-like place on the border between the Darklands and the Kingdoms of the Men of Light. Water is hard to come by, and toxic fumes waft up from cracks in the ground. Little vegetation lives there, and fewer animals. Insects there are in plenty, though, most of them poisonous. No one knows how the Plains came to be, but in legends it was described a great country being destroyed by the evil of its rulers. Why there then is no ruins there is not known.

    The Swamplands:

    The Swamplands is 3 great swamps located close to eachother, with inhabitations between them and floating on them. There is said to be a great city located in the middle of the largest swamp, but this has never been confirmed by the Emperor of the Men of Light’s explorers. A dangerous place, it is inhabited by strange breeds of reptiles and birds. The SwampMen are of unknown origin, evil and treacherous by nature.

    Xarthos:

    Xarthos is the main Kingdom of the Darklands. For centuries it has been ruled by a mysterious evil spirit called the Shadow Lord, but in recent years a young Elven Lord named Kaidien has apparently taken over the rule of the Darklands. It is not known what happened to the Shadow Lord, but some speculate that he has joined in some way with the young Elven Lord in order to achieve some greater goal. Xarthos itself is basically a great city of ruins, where some of the palaces has been restored by Kaidien. Xarthos also has a large standing army of SwampMen, Dark Men, and creatures of unspeakable evil.




    The Story

    Prologue

    It was snowing. The cold, biting wind somehow managed to penetrate her every stitch of clothing.
    She knew it wasn’t real; it was his doing. Her mentor. The one that had raised her since she was born. And still, he didn’t understand why she had to leave. “Will you stop that mentor Aidan!” she shouted. The wind and snow intensified for a moment, but then relented. A shadow emerged from behind one of the trees, holding a globe of light in front of himself. “Why can’t you understand Caralina? It is you destiny to stay here! To rebuild it all!” She slowly shook her head. “No mentor, it is not. It cannot be! The glory of our kind lies in the past, but you are too caught up in memories to see it! Why can’t you understand? I need to see more than this – to do more than this!” Rage coursed through her soul until she couldn’t stand it anymore. Why was he so damned stubborn? He had travelled the world; why should she do any less? Spitting out a furious curse, she turned on her heels and threw a darkness spell back towards her mentor. But she didn’t get far until something approached. Turning around, her sai before her, she just managed to catch a glimpse of a pair of glowing, emerald eyes before feeling her mentor crashing into her. Breathing. Heavy breathing. That was all she could hear. Then, she felt something warm and wet gushing over her chest. The darkness evaporated instantly, revealing to the world the gruesome sight of her mentor. Her sai. They had both pierced his chest, and was buried up to their hilts, leaving all the three prongs inside him. Her mentor gazed up at her, his pleading eyes begging her to pull them out. And she did.
    Gently, she laid him down on the ground, summoning his lifeforce to her so that she could heal his body. But there was nothing to summon. One of the sai had pierced his heart, killing him almost instantly.

    She buried him under a great oak, thinking he would like to be the source of that majestic tree’s life. Into the great oak’s trunk, she carved his lifestory, and his merits. All the great things he would always be remembered for – this legend of the Elves. Then, she turned and walked away, wowing never to return to this place. Wowing never to kill again!





    So, this is what I've written so far. Opinions would be welcome, and suggestions for a possible title (even though its a bit early for a title in my min) are also welcome!

    ~Caralina~
     
  2. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

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    I like it so far. It's easy to read and it flows well. But I do think it's a bit early for a title.
     
  3. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    Good job so far.
     
  4. Unien

    Unien New Member

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    Cool. It's a good beginning to a most-likely interesting story. So, Caralina, would you be interested in writing Unien sometime?
     
  5. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    Thank you =)

    Unien? And what is that? If there is a lot about it in here, I apologize, but I haven't had the time to check this place out properly as I'm starting school again tomorrow and has had to make preparations for it.
     
  6. Unien

    Unien New Member

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    Well, if you want to find out more, pm me for the URL link. It actually has a "forum" now!
     
  7. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    Still waiting for the next update...
     
  8. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    It'll come soon. School has started, so I'm not done with chaper 1 yet unfortunately =(
     
  9. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    Rake your time, don't mean to rush you.
     
  10. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    Well, I thought I'd post the first part of chapter 1.. Haven't had the time to write too much, but there's some at least. So tell me what you think people!


    Chapter 1

    Deep in the mountains of the Northern Kingdom, in a little cabin, a howl of pain shot through the quiet of the night. “Burn you Cara; can’t you be a little more careful with that?” Scowling down at Matheus, Caralina shook her head. “It’s not my fault that you slipped and managed to cut your arm on your own arrow Mat! You should watch where you put your feet more carefully.” There was a long silence, until she resumed stitching his wound back together. “But it really hurts,” he muttered to himself. “I haven’t got enough brandy in me yet!”

    By the fire, Patric and Hephai were having a game of chess, accompanied by some hot, spiced wine. “Come now Patric, you’ve been thinking about your next move for a good half hour now! Surely you must have thought of something?” Patric gulped down some wine and moved a pawn. “What? That’s it? That’s what you’ve been thinking of how to do for so long?” Humming to himself, Patric smiled. “No not really. I’ve been thinking about how best to penetrate your defences, but there seems to be no way to do it without suffering heavy losses!” Hephai was baffled. The boy was thinking war strategies when playing chess? “Look, Patric, I know chess has tactics, but it’s just a game. You don’t have to take it so seriously! Just look at Naberius! He….. Uhm.. Where is he by the way?” Looking towards the chair in the corner where Naberius had been sitting previously, Hephai scratched his head. “Oi! Caralina! Did you see where Naberius went?” Turning from wrapping Matheus’s arm in bandages, she shook her head. “No, I didn’t. Though, I think I heard someone open the door to the bedroom about ten minutes ago. Maybe he just went to bed.” When Hephai still didn’t seem to be about to settle down to his game again, she added; “Naberius is a big boy Hephai, I don’t see why you worry so much. Besides, we should all turn in now as well. We have far to go tomorrow before we can reach the next encampment.” Hephai still wasn’t reassured. Cara didn’t know what he had overheard when Naberius had been talking to someone at the last trading post they stopped at. She didn’t know… “Oh, okay. I’ll just go to bed then. See you in the morning!”

    “What’s gotten into him?” Patric wondered aloud. Hephai hadn’t been concentrating on the chess game at all, and that was not like him. He always concentrated on everything he did, so that he would do it right. That’s what Hephai was like – always a perfectionist to the point where it became a bother. “There is something he’s not telling us! Don’t you think?” Looking up from the mat he was laying on, Matheus groaned. “You just mind your own business Pat. He’ll tell us when he’s ready to.” But Matheus didn’t feel as sure of that as he seemed. It wasn’t like Hephai to keep secrets, least of all from Cara. She didn’t seem too worried though. But then again, she never seemed to worry about anything they would understand. “I’ll turn in now as well. Will you help me to bed Patric?” Managing to sit up, he stretched out his hand waiting to be pulled up. “Ah, sure Mat .No problem! Let’s go! Goodnight Caralina, sleep well.” Turning around, Caralina heard them amble into the other room and get into their beds. She herself wasn’t tired though. “I think I’ll just go outside and watch the stars for a while,” she thought to herself.

    The ground seemed made of pure ice outside the cabin. Watching carefully where she was about to set her foot before placing it, Caralina made her way down to the frozen well. She had used the cabin many times before, and knew that by the well there was a flat rock where you could sit and gaze at the stars without any trees getting in the way. But when she got there, her favourite spot was already taken. “Naberius, what are you doing out here? I thought you had gone to bed a while ago!” Not bothering to stop gazing at the sky, Naberius shook his head. “Too many thoughts on my mind to sleep Mistress, so I thought I’d come out here and watch the stars. There’s no trees obscuring the view here you know.” This surprised her. Naberius was never a man to think too much. If anything bothered him, he usually told her or Hephai what it was. “I know, I’ve been down here many times before.” Caralina sat down beside him, trying to find a position that wouldn’t freeze her ass of instantly. “Is there something bothering you Naberius? You’re not one for private thoughts as far as I’ve gathered the last few years. Do you want to talk about it?” He finally looked at her, shaking his head once again. “No. But it’s nothing for you to worry about Mistress.” Realizing that this would be the only answer she would get any time soon, Caralina got back up. “Well, you know you can always talk to me or Hephai if you need to. I’m going to turn in now, so try to get some sleep, okay? We have far to go tomorrow. Goodnight Naberius!” Walking back up to the cabin, she looked up at the stars. Perhaps she would change the travelling plans tomorrow, perhaps not. Only time would show.

    ***

    She was running through the pouring rain, branches slapping painfully against her face. There were no stars in the sky, no moon to give her light. Where she was going she didn’t know, and where she came from she didn’t want to remember. Wrenching off her shirt, she felt the slickness of fresh blood on her fingers. Revolted, she threw it away. When at last a stinging pain in her ribs stopped her, she sank down to rest at the base of a cliff. Stripping off the rest of her clothes, she stood in the rain until the blood was rinsed from her body and hair completely. But then, an even sharper pain shot up her thigh. Blood was pumping out of a deep cut, making her weaker and weaker. Darkness took her once again.

    ***

    Naberius watched his Mistress closely as she walked in front of him. When he got back the previous night, he had heard a muffled scream from Caralina’s room. “Mistress, may I ask you a question?” She turned to face him and nodded. “Did you have another nightmare last night? I don’t mean to pry,” he forestalled her when he saw that she was about to lash out at him. “I was just worried. I heard a scream from your room, and just thought… And you’re limping slightly as well. I can’t avoid noticing it.” Gently, she pulled at his braids. “You always worry about me, don’t you? Yes, I did have a bad dream last night. And my old injury seems to be acting up again. But there is nothing for you to worry about dear Naberius. Nothing at all.” Looking around to see if the others were still in sight, she added in a whisper: “But there is something worrying me about you. We shall have to talk tonight, is that understood?” Looking into her steely eyes, seeing a glint of intelligence and determination, he nodded.
    Satisfied at last, Caralina turned back around, and ran to the front where Hephai was making a trail through the dense snow. He didn’t even hear her coming, until she breathed down his neck, poking him in the back. When he first met her, her silent approaches nearly made him die of fear that an enemy had managed to creep up on him, but he had learned that this was her way of making an approach on both friend and foe. She was so light, and so silent. It still amazed him, even after so many years. “We are making good progress, aren’t we?” she said softly. Glancing back at her, he nodded in agreement. “We are actually a few miles ahead of schedule to tell the truth. We should be arriving in camp in a few more hours if we continue at this pace.” Smiling in satisfaction, she gave him an impulsive hug. But when she pulled back, the smile was cold and queer. “And now, you shall tell me what you overheard Naberius and that merchant talking about at the last trading post.” Feigning ignorance, he shrugged his shoulders. But that was the wrong thing to do. Gripping his shoulders, she slammed him into a nearby tree and took a stranglehold of his neck. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I saw you, and you were within decent hearing range! Now, I have to ask Naberius about this tonight, and will probably have my answers then. But I like being prepared, and therefore you shall tell me what they were talking about. Now!” Her eyes glowing in ice cold fury, she released him enough to breathe properly and talk. “Fine. Naberius doesn’t know that I know, but I will tell you what I overheard.” Upon being released completely, he called Matheus over and made him go in front to break the trail. “I don’t really know where to begin, but here goes. I was walking down to get some water from one of the defrosted wells, when I heard Naberius’ voice. He seemed agitated, and the man in front of him seemed both angry and scared. I didn’t mean to pry, but something told me not to reveal myself. And so I listened. The merchant was saying something about a village called Crowberry. He seemed to think it had been abandoned a long time ago, but Naberius disagreed. I almost thought he’d punch the guy when he persisted with his story. Apparently, all of the inhabitants had been killed off, and no one knew how or why. Though, there were some rumours of Dark Men, or so the merchant said. All of the fire seemed to go out of Naberius, and he started to cry. That’s the last thing I saw and heard before I decided to walk on past, I promise.” Caralina nodded to herself, smiling contently, like a cat licking her whiskers. “So that is why he’s been acting weird. I see. Thank you Hephai, you may continue breaking the trail now. Dismissed!” She then suddenly bounced off into the trees, running on top of the snow, going somewhere only she could conceive of. Once again shaking his head, Hephai went to the front to relieve Matheus from his trail breaking duty.
     
  11. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    It's good, a worthy update.
     
  12. magicunicorn

    magicunicorn a little crazy

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    AWSOME!!! I LOVE IT!! what is it called agian or is there no title?
     
  13. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    Thank you =) No, there is no title yet.

    And for all of you out there... There will be quite a while until the next update =( I have way too much to do at school atm.
     
  14. magicunicorn

    magicunicorn a little crazy

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    ALRIGHT, ill wait its really good so far, could yu read mine and tell me what you think about it, it's under "unlitled- i think it's come to a screeching halt, what about you?"
     
  15. Caralina

    Caralina New Member

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    Okay! Time for a little more of my story! Enjoy!


    She knew Naberius was from the Northern Kingdom. But that was all she knew – he held his past close to himself, determined not to let people know more than they needed too. “This could be a problem,” she mused to herself. “If he refuses to tell me anything, then we could be at serious risk.” She never told her band the travel route for just this reason. If she told them where they were going, they might not want to go, and she strongly suspected this was the case this time. Naberius had to be stupid if he didn’t realise where they were heading. Any Northman knew which routes in the mountains lead where. And this particular one lead only to one place. To Crowberry village. Had she known about these rumours in advance she wouldn’t have insisted on bringing him. He had not wanted to go to the Northern Kingdom in the first place, but she had talked him into it. She still remembered the look of pain that had shot across his eyes when she reminded him of the oath he had taken to follow her wherever she went. “I need to talk to him once we get settled in for the night,” she whispered. “A long talk. And then I’ll figure out what to do next.”

    ***

    Camp was set up fast and efficiently, a fire-pit dug in a moment’s time. The tents took a bit longer though, as the ground seemed made of ice, making the tent plugs hard to drive into the ground. That is, Caralina had no problems. She never had! “How in the nine hells does she manage that?” Patric muttered to himself. Suddenly feeling a presence behind him, he turned to find Hephai standing right behind him. “Oh, Hephai, I didn’t realise that you were… eh, well, right behind me that is!” Letting out a roar of laughter, Hephai gave him a clap on the shoulder that made his knees buckle. “I didn’t want you to see me Pat, that’s why. And as for the Mistress, she has a knack for things like that. Don’t ask me to explain any further, it’s just the way things are with her.” Still not satisfied with his answer, Patric turned to watching Caralina again. “Haven’t you ever been curious enough to ask her? I mean, I’m quite curious about her myself, but I can never seem to muster the courage to actually approach her with questions like that.” He started to walk away, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “You are smart not to ask. Let it be with wondering, she won’t give you any answers no matter how much you dig. And if you try digging too deep… You have seen the scars on my back, haven’t you? Those that make it look like I’ve undergone a serious whipping? I still have no idea how she made them. I only remember pain, and blood.” Standing still in shock, not caring that his boots got soaked by the snow slowly melting inside them, Patric let his mind wander. Would she do something like that to him if he just asked? Distantly, he heard Hephai walking away, not even saying goodnight like he always did. When Patric finally was able to move, he decided he would just keep his thoughts to himself, and continue trying to pitch his tent in the icy ground. Once again turning around towards his tent, his eyes met another pair of steely grey eyes. “Hi Pat, need help?”

    Caralina felt Patric’s eyes on her throughout the time she was pitching her tent. Then, Hephai had approached him, but left abruptly. Sensing this was nothing of her business, she still chose to approach him. This was no time for more trouble within the band. He seemed shocked to see her though, almost jumping out of his skin when she said hi. ”Anything wrong Patric?” she asked. He seemed to pull himself together and shook his head frantically. “No, nothing at all Mistress Cara, nothing at all!” She didn’t believe him though. “Pat, I know the two of you were talking about me. Hephai always gets like that when he tells people about the scars on his back.” Seeing the terrified look in his eyes, she rushed to explain. “Don’t worry, I know you’re bound to be curious. I still have no intention to tell you anything though, my abilities are my own to know. There is no need to fear asking questions Pat, but you shouldn’t push me too far. That’s what Hephai once did, and he paid for it. As long as you respect that I might not answer, you may ask me anything you wish.” He finally seemed to calm down, and by the time he managed to compose himself completely, she had pitched his tent for him. “Eh, thanks!” he stuttered, and went inside to unroll his bedroll, and to change his socks.
     
  16. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    It's good.
     
  17. Carbondz The Forge

    Carbondz The Forge Master of Blacksmith

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    I will make a cover if you prefer to make it a novel, nice job . . .
    I have writing some, but so hard to make it in English . . .
     
  18. Ted.Radwick

    Ted.Radwick New Member

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    Good story. I would love to read the rest of it, if it is written.
    Carbondz, contact me about the cover, i am also writing something and hopefully it will be published this year, maybe before the summer or after.