My Prologue

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Thârr, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. Thârr

    Thârr Entramä Sarê

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    Othlo Nevaan all! Just wanted to share my work with you all. This is the prologue to my book I am working on. Currently I have this prologue and two chapters and I am now working on the third chapter: Küirta, which means in Elandrat, Southeastern. This prologue is equal to just under three pages in the page size I want for my book :p Anyway, here goes and I hope you enjoy! Please review and please tell me of any grammatical problems...



    Prologue: Lost Stones


    It was cold and windy as three robed figures walked across the snow-laden path in a small village to the north. The one in front held a lantern suspended on a stick. The one in the middle was carrying a small blanket with something wrapped inside, and the last had a sack. The person in front, Sarbrah, had her hands exposed and on it were tattoos that entwined around her fingers. It was A dragon, lined with gold and it looked as if it would come to life every time she moved her fingers or wrist. The wooden houses surrounded them like grass with their snow-crowned shingle rooftops, although some were slanted enough for the snow to fall off. As they neared the wooden wall there was a watchtower, about four hundred paces away.
    ‘’Can we get past?’’ asked Sarbrah.
    Burtagh looked at the watch tower warily. ‘’Blow out your lantern, Sarbrah, if we go in the shadows we should be able to make it.’’ He replied.
    Sarbrah blew her lantern out and moved into the shadows. So did the other two. They moved through the night and to the end house.
    ‘’Okay, Burtagh.’’ Said Tokuna.
    Burtagh placed the blanket on the steps. Then Tokuna placed the sack with it. They hurried away back down to the other end where the wall was. Just as They were about to exit through a small hole in the wall, Burtagh slipped his sleeve just below his elbow and shot an exploding orb onto the ground not far from one of the houses. It sent dirt and snow flying onto nearby homes. Candles were instantly lit, and people rushed outside. Sarbrah waved her hand over the chunks of wood from thier last explosion, getting through the wall, which was silenced in a sound field. All the parts went back apart from one where they all looked through. It was successful. The person towards the back picked up the baby. The woman looked around and yelled out, “Has anybody lost a baby?! Anyone?!”
    She got answers of no.
    The three looked at each other. Then Sarbrah put the last piece of back. They were walking away, feeling like they had won a battle, until four gaurds stopped them. Tokuna’s face fell. He hated fighting. Only because if they were found using magic then Sarljä help them. The emperor would have the greatest of sorcerers on them. Only people with a ‘Permit’ were allowed to use magic. It was forbidden by King Eldbaw. A fat old man he was and he deserved no sympathy for his newest castle which he had named ‘Castle Eldbaw’ after it was burned to the ground by the Bartyûet. The people who fight against their own previous empire. The Bartyûet were once part of the empire but became sick of being treated like the lowliest of servants, more like prisoners. They left the empire and had their own children and their own empire known as Arvlck. Today, more people come to join the Bartyûet.
    Burtagh unsheathed his sword and lopped off one of the guards heads before they could react. The torso of the guard was still standing for about six or seven seconds before collapsing to the ground. The other three chose each of thier targets and charged. The one that Sarbrah had to fight had a spear, and a mix of leather armour, although behind the vulnerable parts was steel. Tokuna’s was also the same as Sarbrah’s, but Burtagh had one with two long-swords excellent armour and a shield from the battle of Kûrmenia. But Burtagh also felt that the sly guard was using magic to aid himself and send more heavier blows to his enemy. Burtagh weaved out of the way of a lightning fast sword and stopped another. He parried a blow to the guards hip but was blocked by his shield that rang. Tokuna had finished with his enemy and helped Sarbrah kill hers. Then they ran off. What! What do they think they are doing?! Thought Burtagh. When I finish off this mutt I will make sure they dont live another day!
    Burtagh was starting to struggle with the guard and he started to lower his sword and himself. Burtagh heard a noise in the shrubs behind him, then, springing from the greenery was Sarbrah and Tokuna and they both pounced on the last guard, stabbing him in the neck with Qajja daggers. Very beautiful to look at, but very deadly.
    ‘’I thought you ran off!’’ puffed Burtagh.
    ‘’I can’t believe you really thought that Burtagh. Shame on you!’’ said Tokuna with a wide smirk.
    Burtagh dusted himself off then motioned for them to walk away. They continued out into Alqa Forest where fresh water was found and some berries. They cooled themselves off. Then Burtagh stood up and looked at the stream with concern.
    ‘’What could you have against this magnificent stream?’’ joked Tokuna.
    ‘’What happend to the stones Aírliest Fargalõ?!’’ yelled Burtagh.
    Tokuna hung his head in his hands. I thought this might happen!
    Sarbrah stood up. Burtagh! You know not to use the name Aírliest Fargalõ out loud. Remember to speak with your mind. You were taught the importance of these stones since you were ten. Now you want to ruin all of your training? Please dont do that again...
    Burtagh looked up. This should not have happened.
    We cannot help it if the stones are lost. Sulked Sarbrah.
    We can look? Quiried Tokuna.
    ‘’No we can’t.’’ Said Sarbrah in a gloomy tone, ‘’The place would be teaming with guards and the stones have probably been found. They would be crushed and lost forever.’’
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2012
  2. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I like it a lot. Here are my corrections:

    Line 3: "tattoo's" -> tattoos

    Lines 6-7: "As they neared the wooden wall to a small house there was a watchtower, about 400 paces away." -> use written numbers if small and try removing the small house from the sentence.

    Line 15: "They" -> they

    Line 18: "thier" -> their
    Line 18: "getting through the wall which, was silenced" -> "getting through the wall, which was silenced"

    Lines 18-19: sentence makes no sense

    Line 26: "burn't" -> burned

    Line 27: "fight" -> fought, even though it's present

    Line 28: "thier" -> their

    Lines 30-31: "It was slightly brutal because the torso of the guard was still standing for about six or seven seconds before collapsing to the ground" -> remove It was slightly brutal because

    Line 32 : "thier" -> their

    Line 33: "in the vulnerable parts was steel" -> in should be behind

    Line 36: "that rang out" -> remove out

    Lines 37-38: Use quotation marks or italic for thoughts

    More stuff after but I was logged out, so I lost everything after this.
     
  3. JanalynVoigt

    JanalynVoigt Janalyn Voigt

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    I'm short on time today, but I looked over the first sentences. You have a lyrical writing style that is just right for your chosen genre. I bolded places where I made changes and underlined what I'd delete. I didn't mark them, but you might vary your use of "the one" and "had a sack"..."had her hands."
     
  4. Thârr

    Thârr Entramä Sarê

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    Thank you SO much! I will change them soon!

    Oh, Druid of Lûhn, In the word document I did have Italics for the thoughts... They just didn't stay... I will fix that...
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2012
  5. jamercier

    jamercier New Member

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    Hello :)

    I wanted to write to you because I feel you may enjoy/benefit from my blog material, and wanted to send you a link.

    The Bearded Scribe is a blog devoted entirely to everything related to Speculative Fiction: Fantasy and Science Fiction, with a bit of Paranormal and Horror thrown in for good measure. It is a resource for not only fans, but also writers. I have a World Building Series of posts which I think you might like.

    Also, there is a great deal that is grammatically incorrect in your Prologue; however, more importantly, I could give you a few directives and pointers on stylistic choices and overall sentence structure if you'd like.

    Best,
     
  6. Thârr

    Thârr Entramä Sarê

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    Thanks so much jamercier! I will have a look!