My main project.

Discussion in 'Writing Workshop' started by Killbot608, May 17, 2009.

?

so... how is it?

  1. you are a god of literature :eek:

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  2. that was great :D

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  3. not bad at all.

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  4. eh, it was ok.

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  5. not very good.

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  6. that was baaaad, man...

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  7. dear raptor jesus, i'd say dont quit your day job but i bet you suck at that too...

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  1. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    im not happy with it, but whutevers. this is chapter 1.
    and i have no idea how to explain how the trocklum got into a pub ¬_¬ lets just go with, its a coliseum escapee...

    The pale morning light shone into the Dark elf's rented room, the finely polished blade of his katana casting it into his eyes, he awoke and checked a clock. Perfect, he had placed the sword in such a way to wake him up so he could get an early start. He set out to earn a living by searching for jobs that needed doing, freelancing if you will, after an hour had slurred by he saw a large over-weight man, who looked almost as filthy as the ground the city was laid upon, standing outside what looked to be the local tavern calling out to people for assistance. Intrigued he strolled over to find out what the matter was.
    ‘I couldn’t help but overhear you asking for help.’ said the traveller in a slick voice.
    ‘What d’ya guess that when I star’ed shoutin’ it across the street?’ The man turned out to be a large orc who seemed to have his own, rather rank, atmosphere.
    ‘Do you want help or not?’ inquired the dark elf.
    ‘Yeh I do’ he said, he lifted his left arm to gesture at one of the taverns’ second storey windows causing a pair of birds to drop stone dead onto the cobbled street.
    ‘There’s an alcoholic Trocklum in there, it’s already got through all me ale and cider an’ now he’s moved on to the summer beer!
    ‘Would you be prepared to pay me to get rid of it?’ the young traveller asked,
    ‘Are you crazy? No one could take that thing!’
    ‘Then why did you ask for help?’
    ‘Ah, what’s the lowest you’ll accept,’ asked the orc in a miserly tone.
    ‘Twenty-five Shields and a free lunch.’ He said smoothly (Shields being the humans shield shaped currency, into which go a hundred and eleven helms, a hundred and eleven shields make a seldom seen fortress coin).
    ‘ Ohh, alright if It’ll save me business,’ the orc moaned in an I-don’t-want-to-part-with-a-single-coin sort of voice,
    ‘By the way boy, what’s your name?’
    ‘Dren,’ He answered. ‘Dren Hothras, and don't call me boy.'
    The tavern was dank and warm, Dren could smell the unwashed bodies of the many people who used to drink their way into sick stupors so often, but as the trocklum that he’d been seeking lunged at him from behind the counter the stench seemed to vanish as his senses homed in on the potential threat. His well trained reflexes and keen eyes examined the huge sapphire blue reptile analysing it and as the beasts head became level with his stomach the world slowed down around him momentarily, having planned his every move before hand he lifted his leg casually stepping up onto its nose and up over the creatures head causing it to smash it’s enormous scaled face into a wall, as he took in his opponents appearance, regarding weak points and the bits he should avoid, it lashed out with it’s tail meeting with Drens’ sword, the beast screamed and swung round, eyes burning with rage (and the bits of stone and plaster peppering its face) the massive creature rubbed it’s stubby nose with it’s clawed forelegs, it glanced at it’s almost severed tail before shifting it’s weight onto one leg, of course it looked truly ridiculous in this position, an enormous yellow eyed monster blue from the very tips of it’s valuable golden nasal hair to the end of it’s huge weighted tail, standing on one leg as though it were performing at some kind of circus, yep, truly ridiculous. Dren pondered this for the brief moment during which it happened before being forced to dodge another lunge as the creature forced all it’s weight back onto it's other leg and threw itself at him. Dren drew his knife and hooked the curved blade into the creatures nose pulling himself up onto it's head, he tore the knife painfully up the beasts face before sliding down it's back to the ground, as the huge creature turned to face him Dren leaned forwards and let himself fall and as soon as he was about arms length from the floor he jumped forwards as the trocklum tried to seize him in it's huge jaws, he went further down than the beast had anticipated and half way down it’s slippery slimy throat Dren forced his sword out through the back of it’s neck and held tight, the drunk creature began to choke and within twenty seconds it was dead.
    Dren clambered out wet and tired and went to tell the bartender that it was over, in a manner that retained his cool and dignity through the jelly like saliva coating his body, after receiving payment, he returned to the temple to pay the rent on his room (and bathe) before taking a walk down to the local creature dens to see if the city had anything up for sale that he could ride. It was seven shields to enter, he didn’t spend long there, it was almost time to collect his free meal, he was just on his way out when he spotted something particularly interesting, a slight amazement could almost be seen in his usually expressionless pale grey face.
    ‘A gomrel' he muttered. (a gomrel is the smaller, faster more doggish version of a roaber which are enormous furry beasts the size of what you call an elephant but shaped more like a rhino with tusks, they are often used as beasts of burden or more commonly, siege weaponry.)
    ‘how much for the Gomrel?' he asked a nearby dwarven beast tamer...
    Dren came back to find the tavern tidy aside from the huge dent in the wall, Dren ordered his free meal and sat down at a table.
    ‘Thirty seven fortresses’ he murmured quietly. ‘I hate being broke…’ Dren was once incredibly powerful, money made him the monarch he once was, an embarrassing incident brought about his downfall, but I’ll tell you about that later. After finishing his truly god-awful meal in the musty stale smelling common room he was joined by a trio of people who had previously been speaking with the bartender.
    ‘So,’ said the first of the bunch ‘you must be the one ol’’ Mazgol’s been goin’ on abou’ Dru-somthinerother.
    ‘Dren’ said Dren in a dangerous voice.
    ‘’At’s the one’ the man shouted ‘Tell us wo’ ‘appened wi'’ dat trocklum’ he said.
    ‘Not going to happen.’ Came the reply.
    ‘We aint leavin till you tell us the story.’
    ‘Leave now or I’m going to hurt you.’ Dren wasn’t one to mince words.
    ‘Oh yeah, you wouldn’ da-aargh!’ The man writhed under the grip Dren suddenly had on his wrist, he forced his arm onto the table, linked fingers with him and turned his hand over so that the back of his hand was parallel to his forearm.
    ‘Arrgh, gettim offa me!’ The man cried.
    Dren leapt into unnecessarily impressive action, holding the hapless fools broken arm he slid over the table and kicked off from his chest delivering a swift elbow to his first attackers solar-plexus, he rolled to his feet and effortlessly sidestepped the second mans drunken swings before crippling him with a knee to the fork of his legs.
    Dren sat down to finish his wine, ignorant of the groaning figures on the floor by his table. The atmosphere returned to normal and the barkeep threw the men out into the street.
    ‘You could do that for a livin’ y’know, maybe try the coliseum with those moves.’ He said. Dren practically shot him with his eyes. ‘Just sayin’.’
     
  2. anonymous

    anonymous the king

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    sorry mate, i expected some thing more original from you...
     
  3. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    Not bad at all KB. I think with the continuation of the story one would learn more about the characters and creatures mentioned in this part, and it would be easier to understand. Most 1st chapters are like that. You dive right in not knowing who's who or whats what, and it takes several chapters before the first one really starts making sense. Thats kind of how I percieve this one. Once we become familiar with the critters and makeup of the world, we could go back and re-read the 1st chapter and have an 'Ahhhhhh now I see' moment.
     
  4. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    i can post more if you want. it gets a lot better trust me, but this is probably the most polished chapter i have so the rest will be a bit less... good.
     
  5. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    it's a little later on, still before the adventure actually begins. this is after a coliseum final.

    'Good Gaium', Dren easily recognised Helmits Scottish (as is with all dwarves) accent, 'you should be dead'
    'Nice to see you too', replied Dren.
    'That thing almost tore you in half', said Helmit.
    'I've had worse' He said coolly,
    'Really?' said Helmit, this was of course highly unlikely but it was Dren.
    'Yeah, didn't I tell you, I once lost a lung, most of my small intestine, and an arm, they grew back, I was on a drip for a month of course. Helmit and the elf girl who was for some reason stood next to him stared at him, shock written all over their faces. 'What..? What? Gohtaz never got this- oh yeah...'
    'He died fight'n' said Helmit, 'the way he would've wanted'.
    'I guess,' said Dren 'I just wish he'd stood a chance at least,' Dren was feeling something he rarely felt, almost never in fact, it was practically alien to him now, he felt sorrow, he was death's best friend and he was upset by the death of a troll, a species he had always tried to avoid contact with.
    Suddenly the elf girl gasped in horror,
    'Dren, your sheets!' they had begun to steam and a hole was steadily burning into them. Dren cursed loudly and stuffed a ball of cotton under his bandages grimacing as he did so.
    'Where's the surgeon?' asked the elf girl.
    'Won't come near me,' said Dren.
    'What did you do?' asked Helmit not at all surprised.
    'Nothing!' said Dren defensively.
    'Dren!'
    'I Nailed one of them to my bedside table with a scalpel.' Said Dren in an annoyed tone.
    The elf girl gasped, Helmit just shook his head.
    ‘Yeah well my temperature is taken one way and one way only!’
    'This is Selphie by the way'. said Helmit 'Dren, Selphie, Selphie, Dren, I have to make an appearance as team captain, you two make small talk or something.' He left in a hurry leaving Dren and Selphie together. Dren was naturally antisocial and to this day prefers not to interact with high elves or kamek elves but he didn't mind wood elves so much, they're just environmentally friendly dark elves.
    'so,' said Selphie awkwardly, 'did that hurt?'
    'I had my spleen torn from my body' said Dren bitterly.
    'oh,' she replied . 'did they find it?'
    'no need' said Dren. 'It'll grow back.' Awkward silence... well it was awkward for Selphie, Dren liked it quiet and much preferred not to be spoken to except by friends which he never made many of anyway so, he was quiet almost all of the time. 'Have you been here long?' he asked, he wouldn't usually but she seemed embarrassed and looked very forlorn.
    'Two weeks.' she said trying to think of something interesting to say.
    '... Ever been to a high elf ball game?' asked Dren pitying her, this went against his natural grouchy antisocial self, but he could put up with it for now.
    'No, I once went to see a wood elf game when I was eleven but that’s it.' she replied getting a bit less shy.
    'High elves are Dentya.' this was actually said in human but to avoid entering any profanities into this book, it's in dark elf so you can't understand what he's saying, ha! Selphie laughed at how plainly Dren had put this. 'No, really they suck,' He said almost smiling. 'The dark elven strayte is leagues ahead of theirs.' It was true, the high elves were academics, magic users, intellectuals. Ball? not their sport. Hmm, I suppose you'll want to know what 'Ball' is, okay then. Ball is a game, two to four teams in a normal game (you also get free-for-alls and slug outs [any number of players, no rules]), you do what you can to get the ball, which is actually a stuffed Trocklum bladder, to one of the target holes, the smaller the hole the more points, you also get points for how you score and play, the Dark elves had taken the head (main prize of a world tournament is a dragons head) home for three years running, Dren played in two of those tournament's so he knows what he's talking about, as for a strayte, every team has it's own strayte system, depending on how good they are their strayte will elevate to a higher recognition status, It was eighteen years before the Dark elves managed to prize the champion title from the Dem kai (Orc-ogre cross breed).
    'We won!' Selphie Jumped as Helmit took the door of it's hinge just opening it. 'The opposing team all died, we won by default and points!'
    'Great,' said Dren sarcastically. 'But you've yet to tell me how much money I'm getting.'
    'Yeah,' said Selphie skittishly. 'I really need to get a train out of this rat hole town, it's starting to make me sick.'
    'Alright' shouted Helmit. 'Keep yer heads on! We each got...' he paused.
    'Get on with it.' Said Dren dangerously.
    '12 fortresses!' he yelled. Dren and Selphie were stunned to the point at which a small orange organ slipped from Drens bandaging and he broke the silence with a loud curse word.
     
  6. Raff the Sweetling

    Raff the Sweetling Threadkiller

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    I think we just need some more world building as far as... there are elves and dwarves, trolls ect.. but there are other things that seem a more modern aspect, like trains and scalpels. With more world building it would explain how these things mesh in this world. Other than that, not bad.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2009
  7. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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    yeah, a lot of things like that are explained at some point but i see what you mean. i spent so many ict lessons coming up with the world but i have trouble fitting how it all works into the story.
     
  8. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    LOL! I thought that was soo funny!!

    I thought it was really good, it sounds really well thought-up, and as far as Anon's comment went, I thought it was original... I've never watched or read anything like this before. Bravo! :D:)
     
  9. Killbot608

    Killbot608 prototype killing machine

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