My First Story (Prt. 1)

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by MonkeyPantsFlash, Jun 26, 2013.

  1. MonkeyPantsFlash

    MonkeyPantsFlash The Eager Scribe

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    Here's my first story here on TFF. It takes place in the fictional world of Atries, which I created. I hope you all like it, I appreciate all feedback, good or bad. Enjoy!


    The Journey​

    The pale moon illuminated the quiet farmlands, as a single horse strode with plodding steps down the path. A slight breeze rippled through the fields of wheat, looking like an ocean of silver in the flat, nighttime landscape. The rider was dressed in a ragged cloak and trousers. His shirt was a jerkin, which was relatively clean and in good repair. As he took in the peaceful environment, the rider of the horse couldn't help but crack a smile. This was a far cry from the mountains. If you could get used to the climate and elevation, it wasn't half as desolate as this place felt. It was as if somebody had just flipped a switch, and everything was gone.


    A peaceful silence, he thought pleasantly, never seen that before. I should come here more often. He took a mental note to do so, but suddenly, he was fairly surprised to see a flash of light, and greenish, glowing mist swirled in a fog around a figure, who as it turned out to be, was a prim and proper Shade, dressed in sharp, wealthy looking clothes, known as Veelza. "Keiv! You lazy idiot!", her monochrome eyes reflecting her fury in the moonlight, "You need to be in Barrow by Tommorow, but you're moving as if you were taking a leisurely stroll through the countryside!" Keiv gestured to the fields surrounding them, "I thought I was..." Veelza grabbed him by the collar, a look of pure fury on her normally composed face. "Enough! I'm tired of your nonsense! I shouldn't have to remind you of what's at stake here! The Elders have just detected yet another anomaly in Barrow! Our world is being torn open over and over, and you're just sitting here, as if nothing is happening!" He looked at her with quiet depreciation, and with a touch of frustration he said "Well, if you would let me use your magic, maybe I could just instantaneously appear there and solve the problem."

    Veelza clasped her hand over his mouth, and hissed "Mind your tongue! You know how suspicious ANYBODY who uses magic is? And not to mention the fact that the Elders protocol states that we aren't able to use magic unless we're under extreme circumstances! Look, just get to Barrow in a timely manner, and your punishment from the Elders..." Her voice suddenly went an entire pitch louder "AND ME... will be minimal." And with that, she disappeared into a puff of green smoke. Keiv slouched in his saddle, upset that his quiet journey had to be rushed. Well, now. I guess I'll have to go now... He spurred his horse, and what had been a steady plod was now a rapid gallop, hurrying to a place where history would be made, and the world would be changed forever.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2013
  2. Emerlas

    Emerlas Emerz

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    awesome!!
    I loved it, you have really good details there
    and a skill in how to properly describe both what a character is thinking/saying and seeing
    more!!
    :)
     
  3. S.J. Faerlind

    S.J. Faerlind Flashlight Shadowhunter

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    This starts with a bang... right into the action! :)