more women jokes.

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by AlphaAlex, May 4, 2009.

  1. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    Lol!!! The advice column one was actually really funny.
     
  2. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    i wonder.....

    Age-Old Riddle

    If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
     
  3. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    Sensitive Men

    Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

    They already have boyfriends.



    this one is downright SAD. (good thing i found one that doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't want one either!! <3)
     
  4. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    Don't Force Men to Shop


    This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

    After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.

    One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

    And last, but not least ..

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

    Regards,
    Wal-Mart
    Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
    ROFLMBO
     
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  5. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

    God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

    He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

    He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains," said God.




    PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH. :p
     
  6. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."


    SO funny!
     
  7. midnight_wolf316

    midnight_wolf316 New Member

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    Pmsl rofl hahahhaa
     
  8. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    It's funny as hell to watch a chick PMS at school. Just so bitchy.
     
  9. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
    1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

    3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

    5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

    7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
     
  10. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    I love how you post these on a women joke thread. It just makes us laugh at you more because you're mad lol.
     
  11. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

    Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

    As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

    [Check all those that apply]

    ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

    ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

    ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

    ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

    ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

    ___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

    ___ You failed the credit check.

    ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

    ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

    ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

    ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

    ___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

    oh man... my ribs hurt...
     
  12. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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  13. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    #

    # Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
    When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
    When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

    hehehe
     
  14. Elvenwriter

    Elvenwriter Mmmm, Spam

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    i was GOING to make a man joke thread/find one... but i was too lazy, so i'm using this thread instead.
     
  15. midnight_wolf316

    midnight_wolf316 New Member

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  16. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    Woman - A Chemical Analysis

    Element : Woman
    Symbol : Wo
    Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
    Discoverer : Adam
    Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
    concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
    fluctuations.

    Physical Properties :
    a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
    b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    c) Melts if given special treatment.
    d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
    e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

    Chemical Properties :
    a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
    b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
    d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
    alcohol to a certain point.
    e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
    f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

    Uses :
    a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
    c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
    d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

    Tests :
    a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
    b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

    Caution :
    a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
    b) Illegal to possess more than one.
     
  17. midnight_wolf316

    midnight_wolf316 New Member

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    LOL Normf that was quite funny LOL
     
  18. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    :D

    "I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
    "Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."
     
  19. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
     
  20. Normf

    Normf Death 'n' Roll

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    A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and
    said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."