Man Jokes.

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Kally, May 25, 2009.

  1. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    This was requsted by Lord Yuan :D So here we are ^_^

    I'll post all The ones Elvenwriter did in here too lol.

    Its time for the girls to have a laugh!

    These ones that I post - Credit goes to Elvenwriter, she found them not me :D

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    Man: Your place or mine?
    Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

    Man: So, what do you do for a living?
    Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

    Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

    Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    Woman: Unfertilized.

    Man: Your body is like a temple.
    Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

    Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: But would you stay there?

    Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2009
  2. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    MEN ARE LIKE

    ... Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

    ... Commercials.
    You can't believe a word they say.

    ... Computers.
    Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

    ... Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    ... Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    ... Curling Irons.
    They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

    ... Government Bonds.
    They take way too long to mature.

    ... Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    ... Lava Lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    ... Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    ... Parking Spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

    ... Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
     
  3. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Understanding Men
    "IT'S A GUY THING"
    Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
    Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

    "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
    Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

    "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
    Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

    "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
    Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
    Translated: "Are you still talking?"

    "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
    Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

    "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
    Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
    Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

    "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
    Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

    "I HEARD YOU."
    Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

    "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
    Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
    Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

    "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
    Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
     
  4. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Diary of A House Husband
    clear pixel
    This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

    1). Make the beds......
    What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.
    Scratch one.

    2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......
    It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?
    Scratch two.

    3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......
    Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
    Scratch three.

    This is easy, what's the fuss.
    Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

    4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......
    Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
    Scratch four.

    5). Mop kitchen floor.....
    The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
    Scratch five.

    Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

    6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....
    That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
    Scratch six.

    This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

    7). Vacuum the carpets......
    That's a hard one.......
    Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
    Scratch seven.

    8). Feed kids lunch.....
    Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
    YESSSS Scratch eight !!

    9). Clean out hallway closet......
    Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
    Scratch nine.

    Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

    10). Do laundry.....
    no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer
    Scratch ten.

    11). Fold laundry.....
    dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.
    Scratch eleven.

    12) Put the laundry away....
    Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
    Scratch twelve.

    This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

    13). Water the Christmas tree...
    Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.
    Scratch thirteen.

    14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......
    These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....
    Scratch fourteen.

    15). Pick up the kids ......
    Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.
    They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.

    Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

    16). Make dinner.....
    Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".
    Scratch sixteen.

    17). Clean out the dog house......
    duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
    Scratch seventeen.

    WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.

    Wish I was a chick !
     
  5. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

    When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

    He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,
    Sheila

    Reply

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

    Walter
     
  6. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    How To Ask A Man To Do Something

    Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

    Make sure the man is conscious.

    Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

    Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

    Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

    Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

    Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

    Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
    Why men are not allowed to write advice columns Government Bonds and Men
     
  7. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    What's the difference between government bonds and men?

    Bonds mature.
     
  8. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Age-Old Riddle

    If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
     
  9. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Sensitive Men

    Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

    They already have boyfriends.
     
  10. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Don't Force Men to Shop


    This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

    After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.

    One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

    And last, but not least ..

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

    Regards,
    Wal-Mart
    Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
     
  11. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

    God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

    He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

    He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains," said God.
     
  12. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
    1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

    3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

    5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

    7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
     
  13. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

    Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

    As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

    [Check all those that apply]

    ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

    ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

    ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

    ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

    ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

    ___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

    ___ You failed the credit check.

    ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

    ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

    ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

    ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

    ___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
     
  14. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    # Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
    When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
    When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."
     
  15. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    I came here and laughed at most of these. Just because it demonstrates how awsome men are.
     
  16. Kally

    Kally Driving my own destiny.

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    You are not awesome!! That just shows how lazy you are lol!
     
  17. warrior_squirrel21

    warrior_squirrel21 blue is my favorite color

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    Were lazy, but can get away with it! Thats awsome!
     
  18. Jorick

    Jorick Well-Known Member

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    It's even expected of us by most women. Hooray for low expectations!
     
  19. SuperToad

    SuperToad New Member

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    Nubs don't stand a chance!
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    Pretty funny.
     
  20. AlphaAlex

    AlphaAlex Official Forum Nuisance

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    some are funny I must admitt, but some are so false.