Lottery. RAGED G

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by JIM, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
    "Jim, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
    "Great! Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
    "Whatever. Just make sure you're out of the house by noon!"
     
  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Blonde paint job

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
  3. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
    Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."
     
  4. padraigmarron

    padraigmarron Member

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    yeah i love blondes
     
  5. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.

    Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
    A: She couldn't find the recipe.

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

    Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
    A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

    Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
    A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

    Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
    A. Pregnant.

    Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
    A. Play ball!