Lotr Jokes

Discussion in 'J.R.R. Tolkien / Lord of the Rings' started by GrimWarlock, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    I'm preparing something pretty big for the finale of the orc diary jokes. So there won't be an update soon
     
  2. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    ok I'm curious now though
     
  3. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    Preview:

    Sauron will write a play, and the orcs will have to go demonstrate their acting skill in front of Morgoth.
     
  4. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    oh dang that'll be good lol.
     
  5. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    ^ Honestly I just hope more people will read it. I need some criticism on my writing.
     
  6. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    hmm well with it being from an orcs pov, it kinda works, with all the weird description uses like the heavy armored bit.
     
  7. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    Writing of the orcish diary is on halt. The author suffers from lack of humor-filled ideas and inspiration.
     
  8. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    As to say sorry for going so slowly for doing the final part of the orcish diary here is the short:

    Aragorn's Diary


    Day 1
    Killed 4 Nazguls. Nice
    Met the hobbits. Ran for 40km. Killed a squirrel and ate it.
    I'm still not the king.

    Day 4

    Stuck in the mountains with the hobbits. Boromir is an ass.
    I'm still not the king.

    Day 6

    Killed orcs: None. Sucks.
    Appearance: Bearded and Manly! Awesome.
    I kinda want to kick Boromir. Eh, another time
    Still not the king.


    Day 10

    Didn't write for the past few days. Moria was too dark. Some kind of a Balrog here.
    Today I did not become the king.


    Day 11
    Killed orcs: 7. Nice!
    Appearance: I look like some bum...
    Legolas may be cooler than me.
    If I were the king, would I be cooler?


    Day 28

    Frodo started to annoy me. Sam's closeness to him is kinda disturbing. Plus those hairy feet are kinda weird.
    Still not the king.


    Day 30

    Lothlorien. I think Galadriel has acrush on me. Sexy lady
    Talked a bit with Boromir. Maybe I was wrong
    Finaly - the glory of bath!
    I'm still not the king.


    Day 32
    Killed orcs: none.
    Appearance: Bearded and MANLY!
    Legolas told me that a shadow of a threat poisoned his mind.
    I think he turned homo.
    Nope. Still not a king


    Day 33
    Killed thousands of orcs... Bad-ass

    Orcs killed Boromir. Dumbass.
    True he died honorably, but atleast I finaly learned that there was something wrong with him.
    Beggining to doubt Gimli
    R.I.P Boromir.
    Still not a king but atleast Boromir thought I was. Maybe because of bloodloss?

    Day 34

    Frodo went to Mordor. Said he would take Sam with him. Why? Am I the only one left unperverted in the whole movie?

    Damn it, still not the king.


    Day 35

    40km running. Through Rohan, and not even a squirrel to eat. I heard dwarves tasted like chicken...

    Still not the king

    But atleast I'm manly.

    Day 36

    Met an army of Rohirrim. I asked Eomer if he knew where the hobbits were. He insulted me. I think it's cause I wrote a few... Things on his horse at the last party. I decided not to mention that he obviously copied his haircut from Legolas. He wouldn't act like that rude if I was a king.


    Day 37

    Once you see a bunch of smoking dead orcs stacked on a pyre, you saw them all. That I will say.


    Day 38

    Met Gandalf. Apparently he was not dead, but forced by the Balrog to sell washing powder and that turned him into Gandalf the Clean White. PR groveller.
    Next he showed us an awesome trick with his hat.

    Day 39


    Edoras. King Theoden thinks he's manly. Always kept saying "Are you the king around here?
    Last time I checked - I WAS the king around here. Looking around didn't allow me to spot somebody else with a crown."

    I had to admit that I still wasn't a king

    For vengeance, I stole his wallet. Used it to pay my tolls for Rohan Roads. I bought three identical hats so me, Legolas and Gimli can wear them together.

    Day 40

    I think Eowyn's flirting with me. Can't blame her, I'm awesome and manly.


    Day 42

    Fell off a rock. Stupid Isengard wargs. At first I thought Arwen saved me, but when I woke up I realised I was kissing the horse. Lost my favourite necklace in the river. Now I'm angry. And there is no such thing as an ugly jewel. Except maybe The One Ring. Honestly what was Sauron thinking with this design - it's tasteless.

    Looks: Wet


    Day 45

    Triumphant return to helms deep. Legolas got my necklace back. Said something in elvish, either "You're late." or "Let's do it right here and now". Not sure which of the two. I need to remind myself the elvish language.

    Day 47

    Sitting on the wall. An absolutely ridicilous amount of orcs attacking us. And... Oh who am I kidding they're beating the crap out of us. I hope the place has a backdoor or some escape route.

    Later:

    Elves sent us an army of their most "gracious and beautiful fighters". Ofcourse absolutely useless in combat but atleast we could get to look at something pretty while we die. Theoden mumbled something about the elven army, how it was "Unbelievable". And I was forced to agree - It's unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows are different. I tried to get out through the backdoor but Gimli keeps doing something in the narrow passage and I can't get there since he locks it fro mthe outside every time he gets in there. I won't become a king in such circumstances.

    P.S
    The women in the keep are strangely happier.

    Day 48

    We won. Though no time for party thanks to Faramir. Sent us a picture of himself and his friends on the Osgiliath beaches, along with the hobbits in hawaian shirts and drinking expensive alcohol.

    And wrote us this:

    Dear Aragorn

    Thanks for the Ring and the Hobbits. Just as I planned. I will always remember the night where I caught you with that goat. If you dare to confront us I'll post the pictures all over Facebook.

    Evil snickerings. Faramir

    F*cking Faramir! Maybe we should have left Boromir to take the Ring and kill Frodo.

    STILL NOT A KING DAMMIT
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
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