Lotr Jokes

Discussion in 'J.R.R. Tolkien / Lord of the Rings' started by GrimWarlock, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    This is my list of Lotr jokes. Some I heard, some I read, some I thought up myself.


    Saruman sat at the flooded Isengard, covered in mud, crying.
    Gandalf passed by, and asked:
    - Did the ents pass by?
    - What ents... The plumbers....


    - Aragorn, whats for breakfast?
    - Lembas.
    - Lunch?
    - Lembas.
    - Dinner?
    - Meatballs...
    - Yaaaaaay!!!
    - ... From Lembas


    - Onwards to the gate! - Shouted Mithrandir, spurred his horse and charged forward.
    Poor Shadowfax barely caught up with him.


    After the War is over. Bilbo asks Frodo:
    - Do you remember my old ring that I gave you?
    - Forgive me - I seem to have lost it.
    - Oh, thats a pity - said Bilbo and started looking around his luggage - no worries though, I put the original somewhere around here


    A Riddle:
    What has a beard and horns?
    Answer: A goat
    Thorin: I'll show you who's a goat!!!


    Moria, the Fellowship arrives and sees corpses, broken glass, smashed weapons and armor. On a granite block is written: "Balin son of Fundin, lord of Moria. Don't wake. Hangovers make him get even worse"


    A Nazghul reads a book: "They opened the grave and found the body of the queen. Her clothes had decayed, but her face was still recognisable, even after rot had touched it. Grey, was the once white skin, and terrifying was the gaze of the opened dead eyes."
    The Witch-King passes behind him, grabs the book and says:
    - Don't read porn on the job!!!


    - Surrender! - Shouted the orcs below the tree, where Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves were
    - Partisans never surrender! - answered Gandalf and pulled the grenade pin.



    BOOK OF EA RECORDS

    Tallest: Fingolfin
    The only one, who could hit Morgoth above the butt. Beren's result does not count, because he attacked a sitting opponent.

    Heaviest: Ar-Pharazon
    With one foot, he sunk Numenor

    Oldest: Glorfindel.
    Lived out two whole elven lives.


    Fastest: Luthien
    For one day ran to Mandos and back.


    Most expensive: Beren
    For 1 completed task, he got 1 elven princess.


    With largest number of children: Eru
    Father of his kids


    Most dangerous: Gandalf
    Admitted it himself


    Greediest: Thorin Oakenshield.
    Killed himself for a gem, on the background of a golden mountain.


    Most silent: Huan
    Talked 3 times


    Best eyesight: Mandos
    Sees, or will see anyone 2m underground.


    Best swimmer: Elendil
    Managed to swim out, AND pull the ships out at the same time.


    Longest copulation: Thingol
    The same amount of time was needed for the elves to go to Valinor and back. Melian's result is not counted, due to the fact that she is a maiar, and they have limitless physical power.


    Happiest: Tulkas
    3 Ages laughter


    Saddest: Niena
    3 Ages crying


    Worst: Eol
    Killed himself along with Gondolin


    Smartest: Finarfin
    Immediately understood who and what, and didn't go back to Middle-Earth at all.


    Dumbest: Gandalf
    Half a century can't recognise the One


    Most Famous: Aragorn
    Even his nickname "schmuck" has become a word.

    Most impatient: Aragorn
    A person who thought about marriage for 50 years.


    First in space: Earendil
    "Gil-Estel" is still abound
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015
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  2. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    The Unapproved dialogue of the book


    1. The long way through sh*tty lands


    Ah, don't mind my wife. She's always like that - cold, wet and doesn't breathe.
    (Tom Bombadil)

    So, you lookin' for Nazguls?
    (Witch-King on Amon Sul)

    What are you looking at, never seen an elf?
    (Glorfindel)

    I don't care about the age difference!
    (Aragorn, love speech)


    Old maid?! First of all, thats pretty young for an elf!
    (Arwen)


    Arwen, daughter... You orcish spawn
    (Elrond)


    A keg of Miruvor, and faster no cup, I'm late for the council anyway!
    (Aragorn. At the Rivendell bar)


    Okay, for today two things. First - what to do with that ring, and second - how should we celebrate Bilbo's birthday again.
    (Elrond)


    Message, the Fellowship of the Ring is gathering! Whoever didn't hide has only himself to blame
    (Elrond)


    Did they gather that Fellowship? Cause y'know - me and my brother are in the Misty Mountains for atleast a week more.
    (Elladan)


    And by the way - I'M THE BOSS AROUND HERE!
    (Aragorn. To Boromir)


    King eh?
    (Boromir. To Aragorn)


    Hey, you at the kitchen. Stop giving food to the Fellowship - they don't want to leave!
    (Elrond)


    We must leave immediately, bad signs are appearing. This morning Gandalf was paying his gambling debts
    (Legolas)

    Damn it, forgot my rope... Can't even hang myself now
    (Sam)

    The Wargs are howling. Gonna be rainy.
    (Sam)

    No dogs, no journalists and no Gandalf are allowed entry!
    (Inscription on the gates of Moria. Supposedly written by Celebrimor)


    All kinds of freaks around here...
    (Between orcs seeing the elven troops)


    I can't think very well right now... Oh yeah, how can I forget: Frodo, pass me the pipe and tobacco
    (Gandlaf)


    Who's the idiot throwing rocks?
    (Balrog)


    Don't wake...
    (Durin. Legacy)


    Even in the grave they won't leave me alone!
    (Balin)



    The Bridge looked quite sturdy at first
    (Gandalf. Memoirs)


    That, is our legendary lake. And around there, was our legendary sewer
    (Gimli)


    That is my magic mirror. In it, I look at what my husband does when he's out.
    (Galadriel)


    If I could have just come to see her during summer...
    (Gimli)


    I've heard dwarves were like stone... Atleast some parts of them
    (Galadriel)


    Frodo, can I borrow the ring? I decided to get married
    (Boromir)
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
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  3. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    At the Council of Rivendell. Gandalf stands up and says:
    - And now, for my proof that it is in fact the One - puts the ring on - ash nazg durbatulûk ash nazg gimbatul ash nazg thrak....


    At the Fellowship. Checking supply, members and preparing to leave:
    - Hobbit!
    - Here!
    - Are your feet hairy!
    - Aye sir!
    - Excellent, no boots for you this winter!


    And when the fleet of Numenor got close to the shores of Valinor, the Valar sought Eru's advice:
    - Sink Numenor - he said - and paint Sauron green.
    - But, why green? - asked the Valar confused.
    - I knew it - said Iluvatar - for the first advice no questions asked....


    2. The Two Bosses


    And I kept telling him "Don't run into the orcs man"
    (Aragorn. Speech at Boromir's burial)


    Shut up, we're maneaters!
    (Grishnakh to Eomer)


    We're too.
    (Eomer to Grishnakh)


    Your face I remember.... Weren't you the winner of the last Olympic marathon??
    (Theoden to Aragorn)


    Hobbits are a being of fairy tales, a being like a sober Aragorn.
    (Theoden)


    Come closer to the fire old man, for we're pretty hungry
    (Gimli)


    For a long time I fought the balrog, but in the last moment I got a royal flush and...
    (Gandalf. Memoirs)


    Any prisoners to kill? Gimli got past me by a point.
    (Legolas)


    Ah, today's youth, take for example that boy Saruman
    (Fangorn)


    Fangorn has wood for a brain
    (Gandalf)


    And now, let's talk about ecology
    (Fangorn to Saruman)


    What are you looking at geezer? Can't recognise me?
    (Aragorn. With the Palantir)


    Mumakil! Imagine the amounts of beef that can be got out of this thing!
    (Sam)
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  4. CheshireGrin

    CheshireGrin Active Member

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    I'm a sucker for cheesy jokes and really bad puns, so here's a few of my favorites (I apologize in advance for their awfulness):

    Q: What is Gollum's favorite bird?
    A: A Smea-gull

    Q: How many quarters does it take to play LOTR pinball?
    A: None it only take Tolkiens

    Q: Why was it so hard to storm Sauron's lair?
    A: Because no matter how many you opened, there were still Mordors.
     
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  5. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    - What are you hiding there - shouted Celeborn to his wife
    - Nothing - answered Galadriel
    - Well thats just plain racist - thought Gimli - I mean I am short, but "nothing", com on.


    - Tassssstyy Fisshhhh - said Gollum
    - Tassstyyy Gollummm - thought the piranhas


    3. The Prodigal King Returns


    Hey there, I'm you new b... I mean king
    (Aragorn. To Minas Tirith's People)


    I've always been a pyromaniac
    (Denethor. Confession)


    And Gandalf kept telling me - from a woman, you won't see good.
    (Witch-King of Angmar)


    Can I please kick him a few more times?
    (Eowyn)


    Why else did I graduate the veterinary.
    (Aragorn. At the hospital of Minas Tirith)


    Why couldn't he be muslim?
    (Eowyn. Thoughts on Aragorn.)


    What? He told me he was a great elven warrior.
    (Shagrath. At the military tribunal)


    Trying to bite now eh?
    (Frodo to Gollum)


    Maybe I should have just opened a jewelry store...
    (Sauron)


    Too bad Gollum is not with us on this day. Choked on the ring and died.
    (Aragorn. Speech at the celebration)


    Frodo I have a place for you on my ships
    (Cirdan. After one of the rowing slaves died.)
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  6. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    Did I really.... Get that unfunny over the years.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
     
  7. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    I find a good majority of them funny, not all but most of them.
     
  8. Scorpio1990

    Scorpio1990 New Member

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    Kind of a party pooper but here it goes,

    Not having Tom Bombadil in the movies!
     
  9. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    true that. I think that was my biggest problem with the movies. a few other things were a bit huh but yea that was the biggest wtf for me.
     
  10. Scorpio1990

    Scorpio1990 New Member

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    Yep, we can't expect them to fit it all in but certain things had to be in. There were somethings in there that didn't need to be there. I would of personally preferred more films. Two three hour films (even more content for the extended version) to each book. The Hobbit could have been two films, but FOTR should have been more than just one as well as the others of-course.

    But thats my opinion, I don't want to hijack the thread :D
     
  11. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    For me the biggest wtf was:

    Elrond: "Arwen's life is now tied to the fate of the ring."
    Me: Eh?

    Okay, now there's no doubt that Arwen's role is expanded in the movies. To be honest I really don't mind. It was kind of a sausagefest anyway, and hell the only heroine that ran around and fought stuff had to pretend to be a man(for... some reason...). So the fact that she did more stuff than in the books was fine. But then comes this weird nonsence

    Elrond:"Arwen is dying. The light of the Evenstar is failing, as Sauron's power grows her strenght wanes."
    Me: "Uh... How in the name of the empyrean did that happen?"

    We got something about the light of Evenstar and blah-blah-blah thats now tied to Sauron's growing power because... I have no clue. It was made for the movie I guess as a means to give Aragorn something more to fight for, maybe keeping her somewhat out of the way, so that their little reunion would mean more... Uhhh... I'm not sure what the intention was exactly, but hell does it make no sense. What is that light-thingy she gave up? if it makes her mortal then - how come none of the other mortals in middle-earth are dying? In fact if it makes her mortal, then why did they talk about how much it's gonna suck when she stays immortal in that other scene? In fact - hell, they made out immortality to be such a bitch, she'd probably be welcoming death by this point. In most cases with movies, you could just go and say - it's explained in the books, but this was a movie-only scene. And talked about in very little detail. And hey - maybe it would have been cool if she did fight with everyone else, she was originaly filmed in the helms deep battle until they edited her out. Wouldn't it have been nicer if she got a little bit more battle damage than... A scratch from a tree branch? Oh look at those epic scars, it shows she's brave and keeps moving forward after fending off... Prickly leaves... I dunno, but if you're exapanding a character - do it in a way that makes sense. If not, then just cry and look pretty. Whew, that went on longer than I thought
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2014
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  12. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    Diary of an orc:

    12-th, 2-nd month:

    Toiling again. Yesterday, we had an endurance test - the entire battalion running up and down on the big stairs of Angband, dodging balrogs by all means available on the way. After five runs, nobody could stand on their feet, and they pushed us down - to the biolabs - and opened a door. And that door was pretty big. From there, the curious mug of Glaurung appeared and together, our glorious battalion ran forward, with such speed that the dragon managed to get only Fat Umfarg and five more that kinda slowed down. The rest of us, reached the more closed up spots, where Glau couldn't get in - that distance he's passing from above. Just for shits and giggles - he blew some fire on our way, but thats just small stuff - it happens. Three dead from burning.

    Then, we had some preparations. Urtang teaching. He explained what a-holes the elves are, scrappers, cutthroats. And to top it all - cowardly weaklings, just shooting arrows hidden in some bushes. The silmarils, he said, were completely ours, not made by Feanor, but by Priperdum, orcish smith, his mummified corpse is over there - in the honorary corner.

    There's going to be a raid soon.

    16-th, 2-nd month:

    Here I am, on guard duty in the motherland - the beloved 5-th laboratory of the big boss. Here everything's native and nice - the flasks, the test tubes, the magic amplifiers. On the wall - orc in anatomical cut(depicted on parchment), next to him an elf in anatomical cut(poor sod), and several pretty disgusting inbetween forms. Yep - thats our good old homeland. My eyes got watery. And air like that - nowhere else to be found... Sauron walked in once, without a gas-mask - collapsed in a minute. And that was a maiar?! Habit he needs, habit.


    12-th, 3-rd month:


    Sauron somehow found out I can write and transferred me to the science teams. They were formed by order of the big boss, infuriated by our losses at the Doriath front. Eventually it became clear that elves mercilessly sniped out all of our troops from hiding. Plus they were so accurate, that the amount of armor you got on yourself didn't matter - they always found a hole...


    The first invention Sau made was a hole-less armour. On top of an orc with iron boots, is put something like a galvanized bucket. On the bucket there's a mounted spear. The result looks like a walking coffee maker with a really long handle. In a battle formation, these coffee makers made quite an impression until they started moving. Marching in a straight line, together and upstanding was impossible, so they slammed into each other, causing immense noise... The field testing on rough terrain lead to an even worse result - on the background ot this utensil clashing we concluded that even walking in the same general direction was impossible for this new heavy infantrymen since for a maximized protection Sauron hadn't designed holes for the eyes. Not five minutes later and chaos ensued as the utensil troopers(as I like to call them) started randomly walking and bumping into one another.


    Things turned for the worse, but Sau did not lose hope, and did a quick rationalisation. He ordered all buckets to be connected in a line, as to minimise the possibility of randomness. Big Boss really liked the idea, they called the smiths, and in two hours, middle-earth's very first armoured tank division was complete. Fourth platoon put on the buckets and the wall of iron marched forward to the enemy. The incredibly elated Sauron, turned to the Boss and started to talk about something, waving his hands, and from time to time jumping around, but suddenly the angered face of the Big Boss caused him to turn around


    About halfway the line reached a small trench. The right flank, suddenly lost ground under it's feet, and dropped down. The same part of the combat tank-coffee maker hanged in the air, the formation was broken, the middle stumbled and the iron wall fell over. The guys of the left flank flew right out of their buckets, and in the middle, here and there - you could see some feet.


    Big Boss, looked at Sauron for a loooong time and turned back towards headquarters. Sauron walked behind him, mumbling something about putting on boots with sharp spurs would turn this to our use.

    12-th, 4-th month:

    Glaurung got sick, apparently caught some disease on his last going out. Cough, snivel - killed a whole bunch of people. Really likes to cough out that napalm, the filthy worm. Big Boss is trying for two days now to invent aspirin, so far with no success. Yesterday's "cure", that was brought to him by 6-th platoon turned out to be laxative. They were good boys...

    2 days later:

    Glau started sneezing, and it shakes all of Angband. Too bad we beat the elves a year ago - now it would have been more effective. Glaurung beats his own records, last time he burned to walls, and crushed a rock on his own kindergarten. Killed all the kids. And the little dragons were so cute, and to sit on guard duty around them was awesome. Pull it's tail and it breathes out fire and smoke - cook whatever you want.

    12-th, 6-th month:

    We're starting a big march. Fighting elves. They're right in front of Angband, but we're going north. The Boss knows best after all!

    They call this thing - bypass maneuver. First we go north, then east, then south, then west, then north again and we hit the elven troops from behind. They get surrounded and killed off. Heard it at the military council, while on guard in front of the tent

    It's starting to get cold.

    3 days later:
    Getting reaaaallly cold.


    17-th

    Still going north. Sauron said - it's a deep bypass maneuver. And I gotta agree, it's deep - snow up to our ears, and from the balrogs you can hear a hissing sound - like from frying eggs.


    18-th

    One of the balrogs got his flames extinguished - Tobalchik. R.I.D(Rest In Darkness). Sau said he'd live again, but he wasn't sure when exactly. Honestly - I don't think so.

    20-th

    Going east. Yesterday the snow buried 4-th platoon. Barely dug them out. Heard a lot of new words. Worth memorizing some of them


    29-th

    Going south. Soon it's going to get warmer. For now - we march. In front - a balrog to melt the snow and ice. After him an orc battalion. Then another balrog with another battalion. And so on, and so on. This formation, was thought of by yours truly. In the beggining Sauron ordered all the balrogs to be in front, but they melted so much ice that third platton was drowned to the last orc, and fifth met a glass-flat ice slide and slided away in an unknown direction. Didn't even search for them.

    Sauron tried to turn into his spirit form twice now, he's pretty cold. But we're not asleep and we keep him in his physical form. These days nobody's calling him Sauron the Black, now he's Sauron the Blue.


    39-th

    Sau broke his compass and we're navigating on the stars now.

    42-nd

    The stars brought us back to Angband. Not bad at all. Screw the elves... The Boss was so pissed he warmed us up for all the cold days before. Good guy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2014
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  13. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    that was very interesting to read. very cool
     
  14. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    ^ There will be more
     
  15. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    79-th, 7-th month:

    Last week in Angband there was a big scandal.


    Everything began with Sauron's attempt of creating orcs with a Battle Transformation(As far as I understand, that means an orc, that before combat eats or drinks something, and as a result his strenghts and abilities are greatly increased, and after the fight transforms back.). Ofcourse this entire thing didn't achieve anything, but as a side-effect of sorts led to the discovery of something interesting - fermentation. Chuchek first found out, that the remains of some of the baby dragon foods can easily be made into some kind of a liquid that, if used internaly led to some, let's call them Battle Transformations: The size of the first guy who tried it - Jirduk didn't change at all, but five guards had to restrain him. By way, we discovered some unexpected side-effects: For example, the user's memory for the duration of the effects becomes greatly enchanced, as they remember every single insult on their adress and who insulted them during the last whole age. Enchancement of the eyesight and temporary sixth sense - everybody who tried it, was swearing that besides our mortal bodies they saw in other people their spirits and fairies, sometimes even two-or three.


    That clearly showed, that the Battle Transformation experiments were wrongly abandoned. Chuchek decided to continue them - secretly from the administration, so that in a glorious moment he could show his success as a surprise. Tried to convince him otherwise - I hate surprises. When you go around, surprising people, most likely the surprised person turns out out be you. But he didn't listen.


    Research went in two directions. First the quality of the transformation potion was improved. I don't remember who exactly found out, that if you put it in the Distillation Cube, the purified liquid accomlishes a far more powerful transformation. The Distillation Cube itself was invented by Sauron I think, when he was trying to extract the substance of rage from the orcs. I dunno, at the time I still wasn't in the science teams.


    Secondly, Chuchek was trying to fix some defects of the Transformation. That was a pretty serious problem - some time after the initial effects' end, the Battle Orc turned into a completely incapable blockhead. The phenomenon was accompanied by headache, nausea, tremors, and hallucinations of little elves jumping around with horned helmets.


    The second problem solved itself - during an experiment with the transformation Prishtuck fell in a giant barrel, which for one reason or another the dwarves had really fiercely fought to keep. Turned out - the barrel had pickles in it. We didn't know what they were called back then ofcourse, but we still greatly appreciated their value as a war asset. Through them, we could effectively control the process of Battle Transformations and even mitigate it's aftereffects.


    But, about surprises I was absolutely correct. This time, the trouble came from Gorgoroth. The mutt came into the storage where we kept the transformation liquids and drank it all. ALL. Such an effective Battle Transformation I had never seen, and I hope I'll never see again.


    Immediately after taking in the entire quantity Gorgoroth resembled an elf, as Urtang draws them(Since he became the newspaper chief editor, every week he draws one. Actually his pictures make them out pretty cute - square eyes, wry and hairy feet, asimmetric tusks out of their mouths, and with unkempt hair. Some even have beards.). So our dog also changed pretty much - before he wasn't anything pretty mind you, but now... Well, lets just leave it at really ugly, because otherwise it would take a while to list all the words I would describe him with. Not all of which appropriate should word of me saying them reach the higher ups.


    For starters that bull terrier mutant, completely ravaged the scientific facilities(Good thing we were out at the time). Then jumped out in the corridor and charged at Gothmog. Glaurung passed by as far as I heard - and couldn't even say "Hi", before he got tied up with his own tail tucked down his throat. He by the way bit his tail furiously, while hanging in the kitchen for the next few hours.


    After that, the insane dog reached the Throne Room and tried to get the Big Boss. He on the other hand, absolutely enraged by this insolence punched Gorgoroth so hard that the mutt flew through the entire hall and hit the wall howling. Actually that didn't do anything to convince him to stop, as he charged again, his time angry at the boss.

    At the time I was on guard nearby and, hearing the rumbling from the events occuring in the vicinity ran towards the hall. That which I saw was the Big Boss, climbed up on his throne, gloomily watching the raging Gorgoroth. The aforementioned mutt ran around the throne, often tangling his own feet, and from time to time jumped up, trying to bring his master down, biting his mantle, which by the way was pretty torn in a few places. The Boss pulled it back up with annoyance, and menacingly waved his crown - other weapons he simply did not have access to. Not much later I climbed to the nearest chandelier - mostly to show my moral support for the Boss. He didn't even notice me.

    Then, in a most inappropriate time Sauron barged in. Apparently he thought up something again - his mug had a practicaly shining smile on it, and in his hand he held some parchment. Gorgoroth abandoned the boss, dove to the gate and bit the leg of our genius.


    Sauron howled in pain and without thinking - his the dog on the head with his staff. Apparently the mutt didn't like it, as it started barking and in just a few seconds Sau with a torn cape and one missing boot was hanging from the nearest wall torch.

    Using this to his advantage, the Boss was trying to reach the right corner where, in the box with magic artefacts was also his Grond, but Gorgoroth noticed and with a howl, returned the chief back up on his throne.


    And I thought, that in the very idea of Battle Transformation there's something plain wrong. Everybody who tried it, who knows why wanted to smash the mug of our own. In fact, why would you turn your Transformant's Power towards an enemy who quite frankly did nothing to you, when right here there's a guy who always "borrows" money from you, or some jerk that stole your girlfriend. Furthermore, I believe that this substance is best used with single saboteurs. Or why not, for example - use it on the Doriath wells - then the elves will start beating eachother up...


    This nice train of thought was then stopped by the arrival of Chuchek. He stood at the halfopened gate and furiously waved his hands. Before the dog noticed I told him to bring all the leftover Transformative Substance - I already had a plan for freeing the command staff.

    Chuchek, fortunately, turned out to be pretty resourceful - in afew minutes, he brought a barrel with the leftovers. Gorgoroth drank it all. And also tried doing the same with several other buckets of it(By the way - Jirduk cried over that.)


    The transformation of the Battle Hound began pretty soon. His eyes got similar to illuminators filled with tomato sauce and his tongue hanged all the way to his tail. And he started howling! And how: Started with some growling, that shaked the walls, Sauron fell on the floor, then the growl passed about 12 octaves and finished with an ear-piercing scream, that shattered the throne and the Boss also fell on the ground.


    Gorgoroth, seeing that both of them were in his reach, turned around towards both of them simultaneously - for a while he thought that he could. His eyes moved apart, and his paws turned each for itself. In the end he just barked a few times, tried to whistle, developed a sudden interest in what his tail tasted like, and finally fell asleep.


    In the Throne Room fell complete silence. Big Boss stood up, put the crown on his head with the two silmariles left on it, and looked at the sleeping dog. I thought he was about to say something - everyone listened and didn't dare to make even the smallest noise, I practicaly became one with the wall, even the unconscious mutt felt the importance of the moment and didn't snore. And then, as poets say - in the silence, we heard a voice.

    Big Boss slowly turned to Sauron about whom we had forgotten. He moved a bit and the same sound was repeated:
    - Hick....
    Sadly, Sauron had fallen into the Transformation Liquid that Gorgotroth couldn't finish drinking. And his transformation I honestly wouldn't call a Battle one.
    - Hick - for a third time he said, the tone of his voice quite provocative. His eyes were closed in to his nose. Noticing that the Boss is looking, he tried to get up unsuccesffuly. On Sau's face suddenly appeared a huge smile... He was happy for some reason.
    - Lesse 'ere! - Sau said, and before you know it, he started(with a throaty baritone):
    - Hick.... A Elbereth Gilthonieeeel, Silivren re... Ick... Durbatulûk.

    Afterwards there was a loud crash. Simultaneously two things happened: One, the balcony collapsed due to the large audience on it, and two - Big Boss threw his crown at Sauron. That silmaril that was supposed to get the lands prosperous hit him in the eye. From that day on, thats what we call him: Red Eye.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015
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  16. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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  17. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    ^ Should I take that as a "Continue the series"
     
  18. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    yes very much so
     
  19. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    22-nd 12-th month

    Sauron began researching parapsychology. We even have a result - he discovered, that Glaurung is capable of hypnosis and now Sau intends to use these abilities to a pretty great extent. How - Sauron doesn't really know, but he trains the lizard day and night. He even gave him a training program, that he wrote personaly.

    Unfortunately, Glau's reading abilities are even worse than Sauron's writing ones. And so, according to the interpretation we managed, it turned out that the entire procedure of hypnosis is basicaly hitting the target on the head, either with a foot, or with a tail. And Glau doesn't have exactly the smallest feet or tail, so there's the result - in a week we had a dead platoon, a black eyed Gothmog and a Sauron who temporarily couldn't get into a physical form. On a side note he also crushed several hundred wolves to a pulp(didn't like them at all). And, who knows why - he really loved to hypnotize his victims from around the corner.


    The Boss however noticed the sudden reduction is his army's numbers, got angry and sent off Glaurung to practice his hypnosis at Gondolin(The one we destroyed two months ago turned out to be fake).


    Around four awesome weeks without the dumb lizard, and then we found him in front of Angband s gates. His appearance was kinda hard to describe - weak, thin, his tail twisted in a way I don't think was natural, no teeth left in his mouth whatsoever, and the eyes - saaad, saaad...


    For his travels he didn't want to talk, and only after a direct order from the Boss he wrote somthing resembling a note report. After reading it, Sauron was seriously puzzled- the dragon reported such ridicilous stuff, that showing the note to the boss didn't look reasonable. They called me, and three days with my squad, we had to reread and edit this poor excuse of a itinerary, trying to make something sensible out of it.


    And so, Glaurung crawled of the big gates of Angband and traveled south. Traveled pretty long - two mountain ranges and forced a bunch of rivers. On the way he met elves, but couldn't get to hypnosis range so on the way, hypnotized and ate whatever he found.


    After that he went south(note: the dragon knows only "south" out of the directions, so he most likely meant west here.)and in a week reached the sea. On the way he found a village of elves and hypnotized the people there. His attempts at interrogation failed and he had to eat them.


    Near the sea Glaurung made camp(here with Sauron we kinda argued. He said that Glau most likely met enemy forces, battled and even won, cause if he hadn't his hide would most likely be hanged in Gondolin. I on the other hand, was sure that he just slept on the beach.)


    The he went south(here, we decided to believe him)and during the night, he discovered a foe, fought them and maybe even won(Oh, definately he won, because second company went missing around these parts. Real question is, where did their balrog go? I mean com on... Glau couldn't have learned to boil his food first!)


    Afterwards he managed to catch a prisoner, from whom he found out, that Gondolin was five days on foot, south, between two sharp rocks on the coast of a mountain lake. After he ate the prisoner, Glau flew into the said direction(couldn't figure out where he meant this time), and in five days he found himself in the desert. No lakes, no mountains. Got hungry and flew south(probably north).


    On the way, apparently met more elves, not that he admitted - said he just scratched himself in the woods, and a tree branch gave him a black eye. Apparently that disabled his hypnotic abilities, since he had to, judging on his physical appearance - avoid meeting anybody during the rest of his travels.


    Glaurung furiously kept telling us that he had been moving in a straight line. But I was kinda doubtful - somebody had almost managed to cut his front right leg, and his way to Angband, was more like say, a sinusoid. Actually for a month on, he had the impression that he was after all in Gondolin. Broke the gates and beat up Gothmog again.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015
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  20. GrimWarlock

    GrimWarlock Daemon Prince of Tzeentch

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    A little something.

    14-th 8-th month:

    Today is a celebration - the Big Boss says, that its New Year. Not really clear why today exactly - new year could have began last month, but Boss knows best - after all he was there when they made the Year.

    Circumstances in Angband are looking kinda bad - elves in front of the gates. So I think this whole New Year thing was made up by Sauron to raise the morale of our Great Army. Cause it has been pretty low lately. Not only that - two days ago, there was a tragic occurance:
    Tharuk, one of our greatest scientists in the field of genetics managed to theoreticaly prove the possibility of de-evolving an orc back into an elf, i.e a possibility for genetic desertion. I looked around his notes and studies, and didn't like them at all. But poor Tharuk didn't listen to my warnings and experimented with himself... And just as I feared he transformed into a chimp. Sauron rattled it all to the Boss, he got angry and forbid any further studies of practical genetic manipulation.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2014
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