Little Bits of Wisdom - Rated PG

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Nienor, Feb 9, 2004.

  1. Nienor

    Nienor Administrator Staff Member

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    Little Bits Of Wisdom...
    Section 1: Basic Philosophy
    ----------------------------------------
    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
    Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

    Section 2: Friendly Advice
    ----------------------------------------
    Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
    A good scapegoat is often better than a solution to a problem.
    Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
    The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    Section 3: Comparisons
    ----------------------------------------
    Women are like a fine wine, they get more expensive with age.
    Romance is about chemistry, but dumping a guy/girl is just physics.
    Diplomacy is the art of saying "Good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
    To steal ideas from one is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

    Section 4: Mathematics
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    Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
    The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.
    Studies show that 5 out of 4 people have difficulty with fractions.

    Section 5: Pharmacology
    ----------------------------------------
    A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
    Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
    College is a fountain of knowledge, and the students are there to drink.
    There are two major products to come out of UC Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. This is not a coincidence.
     
  2. jake1964

    jake1964 Old enough to be your dad

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    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
    it goes like this:
    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
    than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who
    say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
    been to those meetings where someone wants you
    to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
    What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might
    help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W
    X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
    19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can then conclude with mathematical
    certainty that While Hard work and knowledge
    will get you close, and, Attitude will get you
    there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you
    over the top.