Legends of TFF

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by I. R. Shogun, Jun 9, 2008.

  1. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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    12 Disciples [9]: The Misfit

    “Did you get any sort of feeling for his aura?” asked Extremus.

    “No more than we’d already pieced together by now. They’re mages, and they’re extremely powerful,” said Liadan.

    “Any idea what area they’ve focused on?” asked Extremus.

    “No, but he mentioned that they’re going to try some kind of necromancy, and he asked about Dragn,” said Liadan.

    “That’s not much to go on,” said Extremus.

    “We’ve done lots with less,” said Ka’al.

    “Fair enough,” said Extremus. Just then a messenger pigeon arrived. Extremus took the letter and read it quickly, then heaved a sigh, “Just what we need.”

    “What is it?” asked Liadan.

    “Ray’s popped up again, and he’s tearing up a bank down town,” said Extremus.

    “A bank? Doesn’t seem like Ray’s style,” said Liadan.

    “He wants our attention, that’s probably the best way to get it,” said Extremus.

    “So we gonna take him out?” asked Ender.

    “You can if you like, Liadan and I need to plan how we’re going to counter these dark envoys,” said Extremus.

    “I’ll go with him,” said Kenshin. “I’ve heard about this Ray guy, I want to fight him.”

    “That’s fine, get to it, I don’t want to leave this in the hands of the town guards,” said Extremus.

    Ender and Kenshin immediately left the base. At first they wondered how they’d find the exact bank that was being attacked, but that was before the fireworks went off, a mountain of sparks and explosions, enough to send slight tremors through the city streets for several blocks. The two defenders quickly reached the scene, finding the one known as Ray Captain laughing maniacally as the fires died down. “Well if it isn’t the second stringers of the defense force? I was hoping for the top dogs, but I guess you two’ll do,” said Ray.

    “What the hell are you thinking kid?” demanded Ender.

    “This city hasn’t seen heads or tails of me in way too long, figured I’d remind them of who the top dog in this city was,” said Ray. “Figured a light show would get you guy’s attention.”

    “You just wanted to make a scene?” asked Ender in disbelief when he realized Ray hadn’t even noticed the bank behind him.

    “Not just that,” said Ray. “I also wanted to beat up some defenders.”

    “Well there’s two here, so get ready,” said Kenshin as he drew his sword.

    “Kenshin, let me handle this,” said Ender. “I can take this little punk, I need you to watch out for any little surprises he might have set.”

    “Why can’t I fight him and you sit back?” asked Kenshin.

    “It’s nothing against you, I just don’t thinGAH!” Ender was cut off when Ray rushed forward, burying both knees in the defender’s face.

    “Enough talk, I’ll make this easy, I’ll take you both on!” said Ray as a chain shot loose from his hand, forcing Kenshin to dash back. Ray rolled as he hit the ground after knocking Ender down, and then swung his chain with all his might to force the defenders back. Kenshin, having already been weary of the chain evaded, and then rushed Ray, forcing the rogue to leap hastily over the deadly swing of the ronin’s blade. Ender took advantage of Kenshin’s attack by catching the chain and pulling the airborne Ray off his mark and yanking him to the ground.

    Ray grunted as he hit the ground; then kipped up to his feet, shooting several magic missiles at Kenshin while attempting without success to force his chain loose from Ender’s grip. These two could be a problem, he’d never fought them before, he had no idea of how they fought, meaning that their having two would be even more of a problem than normal, he couldn’t scout their moves, couldn’t bait them, he was on the defensive, and that pissed Ray off. He spun into the chain, wrapping himself in its length, Ender welcomed this, figuring Ray was disabling himself, but as the younger fighter suddenly spat a blinding mist in Ender’s eyes the elf learned that this was the wrong way to think of Ray Captain.

    Kenshin rushed in now, Ray took care of this by sending his chain out like a missile, the way he’d wrapped himself was perfect for one swift straight shot that found its mark perfectly between Kenshin’s eyes. Ray laughed a wicked way, “It worked! I’ve never actually tried that one before! And it was so perfect!”

    “Perfect this…” Ender growled as he rocketed off the ground, drawing both his blades, which now glowed blue, and with a series of swings shot deadly cutting arcs of air at Ray. “Breezy Justice!” he shouted as Ray wildly struggled to avoid being struck, his mere movements shifting his current in the air, something that while blinded Ender was very good at detecting.

    “Oh, so you’ve got some neat tricks, so do I!” said Ray with a roar as he leapt into the air, the air around him seeming to crackle as he did. “Whirled-or hurt!” Ray shouted as he plowed into Ender, releasing a massive lightning current that rattled the defender and sent him crashing to the ground. Kenshin was there to cover his comrade though, and once he landed Ray was stuck dodging slice after deadly calculated slice.

    Ender slowly got up, finally managing to get his eyes cleared from the mist, a good thing, because just as he did Ray got behind Kenshin, and with a stomp of his foot set of a hidden firework cache that blinded burned and distracted Kenshin with ease. Ender rushed forward and immediately locked his blades with Ray’s chain. The two stood locked, eye-to-eye for a second when Ender realized something about Ray was eerily familiar. A moment passed before Ender kicked ay back, realizing seconds after what it was that was so familiar.

    Ray’s eyes showed very clearly his every desire. Power, prestige, respect, but overall an all consuming drive to not only win, but to prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that he was the best that there was. Ender could think of only one person whose eyes showed the depth of his lion’s heart in such a way, the very man who’d gotten him to come to Spamopolis. I. R. Shogun, the Holy Avenger, had those very same eyes.

    “Stop,” said Ender as Ray prepared to charge. “This fight is over.”

    “Huh? Oh! So you accept defeat!” said Ray cheerily.

    “No, there’s just no point in us going on, we’re on the same side,” said Ender.

    “The side that knows I’m the best!” said Ray.

    “No. The side that has no interest in this place or any other getting destroyed,” said Ender.

    “Because I’ll save the day so there’s no need to worry,” said Ray.

    “No,” growled Ender. “Just shut up and come with us. Kenshin you alright?”

    “Yeah, fine, just give me a second for my eyes to adjust,” answered the ronin with closed eyes as he sheathed his sword.

    “I see how it is, I’m so good you want to bring me right to Extremus so he can give me his title as leader!” said Ray.

    “No idiot,” said Ender. “We could just use another body for what’s going down.”

    “What’s going down?” asked Ray.

    “Follow us and you’ll find out,” answered Ender.
  2. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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    12 Disciples [10]: Set A Path

    It took seconds after the controller was taken out for the creature to begin to fall apart. It’s body smoked, it screamed and writhed, but there was no climactic fall, no satisfying crack of bones, before long it had been reduced to nothing more than a pile of dirt. This was something of a stroke of luck for the Defenders, as Kel’s spell fury had worn off, and his strength now wasn’t going to be at full for another day or so. Shogun himself had no doubt he wouldn’t have been able to get a clean victory over that creature alone.

    “Any idea where Cru and the others went?” asked Shogun.

    “None,” said Kel as he gathered some of the dirt for analysis later.

    “Well then I’m hoping ugly there dipping out on us had something to do with them being successful,” said Shogun.

    “If you thought otherwise you don’t know Cru that well,” said Kel.

    “Keep in mind he was hunting me for a good while after I had you guys join the force,” said Shogun. “I know him a bit better than most of the force.”

    “Fair enough, any ideas on how we find them?” asked Kel.

    “Just one,” said Shogun, pointing toward the rooftops with his thumb.

    “You know that was always my least favorite part of running with you,” said Kel.

    “Yeah but it’s fast,” said Shogun. “You think you’ll be able to hack it while you’re sapped?”

    “Anything you can do I can do better,” said Kel with a grin. “Even at half strength.”

    “We’ll see,” said Shogun as the two of them quickly moved into a nearby alleyway and made their way to the rooftops. From there it was an easy task to locate the others. Luckily Crusader’s mood was a bit improved from before.

    “About time,” Cru muttered as they reached him and Sen, who were standing back while LoS examined what little remained of the mage. “How’d it go with the thing?”

    “Kinda disappointing,” said Kel as he handed the vial containing the dirt sample to Cru.

    “At least that tells us you don’t necessarily have to kill the creatures,” said Sen.

    “Although given how tough those things can get I think you might not want to focus on either completely over the other,” said Shogun.

    “No one should be facing these things one on one anyway,” said Crusader. “Do we have anything LoS?”

    “Nothing,” she answered. “As soon as he died he immediately aged centuries, there’s barely even bone fragments left in the dust.”

    “That tells us these things are old,” said Cru.

    “Anything else?” asked Sen.

    “We won’t be finding out about this thing from any first hand history,” said Shogun. “Folklore collections, maybe some tale spinners, that’s the best we’ll be able to do.”

    “Shogun, head back to the library, tell Liv what we’ve got, have her see what all she can pull up on mages using the land to summon monsters, how they’d do it, who has been known for it, the works,” said Cru. “And make sure any and all Spamoplois histories are dug up. Even things that concern the region from before the city was built. We need to know all the details about the MageKing that she’s got. I want to know how he died, how he’d be brought back, and who all of his pawns were.”

    “That mean you’re coming around to me being on the team already?” asked Shogun with a smirk.

    “Now,” answered Crusader flatly. Shogun didn’t push it, quickly making his way back to the library.

    “Any reason you’re sending him to look up things we already more or less know?” asked Sen.

    “A fresh perspective,” said Cru. “We all know the stories, Shogun’s not from around here though, and he hasn’t been here for a long time like I have, so he’s still only so deep into local legends. Knowing what we do about him he’ll absorb all of the information he can on it. I doubt he’ll retain it for long, but with any luck he’ll remember little minor details we don’t long enough for us to figure all of this out.”

    “You just want him out of your hair for a while,” said Sen with a grin.

    “Maybe a bit of that too,” said Cru. “But there’s something to be said for detective methods, and when you’re dealing with a case like this, an anomaly to say the least, you have to try a little bit of everything. Who knows, maybe he’ll turn up some helpful locations.”

    “So then what’s our next step?” asked LoS.

    “We need to talk to the captain, see what his group has dug up,” said Cru.

    “Any idea where they’ll be?” asked Sen.

    “Not a bit,” said Cru.

    “A duck hunt, joy…” grumbled Kel as they began moving.


    “The envoys are awake again,” said Smashtar.

    “They’ll come to us when we need to do our part,” said Cutligula.

    “Slink doesn’t want to wait, Slink wants to kill the defenders so master can come back,” said Slink, in between her cat and human forms.

    “You want to kill all of them? That’s unusual for you,” said Cutligula. “Normally you select one that you take a special interest in.”

    “He’s gone,” said Slink in a pouty tone. “The Holy Avenger disappeared.”

    “You mean you never figured it out?” asked Cutligula.

    “Figured what out?” asked Smashtar.

    “The Avenger, you never figured out who he was?” asked Cutligula.

    “Not all of us were there when Trove got beaten,” said Smashtar.

    “Does Cutligula know who the Avenger is?” asked Slink.

    “Not is, but I know who he was when we met him,” said Cutligula. “And I knew it before he went after Trove.”

    “Well don’t keep us in suspense!” said Smashtar.

    “Tell Slink!” said Slink.

    “The Holy Avenger is the newest member of the Spamopolis branch of the TFF Defense Force,” said Cutligula. “Intergalactic Radio Shogun to be exact.”

    “A Shogun was the Avenger?” said Smashtar in awe.

    “Slink wants to find him!” said Slink.

    “Feel free,” said Cutligula. “I’m sure with your nose finding him won’t be too difficult. Just don’t do anything foolish.”

    “Don’t worry,” said Smashtar. “I’m going with her, the Avenger owes me a rematch…”
  3. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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    12 Disciples [11]: The Plan

    “So what you’re saying is this MageKing guy has a bunch of cronies getting ready to take the place over,” said Ray.

    “More or less,” said Extremus. “And I’m willing to overlook your past discretions if you help us on this case.”

    “So you’ll call off the guards and their manhunt?” asked Ray.

    “That’s what he just said moron,” said Ender.

    “Hey don’t call me moron, after all I beat you and Kenshin at the same time!” said Ray.

    “You ambushed us and I called it off instead of cracking open your skull,” said Ender.

    “Excuses,” said Ray.

    “Regardless,” said Extremus, bringing the conversation to an end. “Yes, you’ll receive a full pardon for all crimes thus far.”

    “How about a spot on the team?” asked Ray.

    “Don’t push it,” said Extremus. “I’m willing to leave you on the street, but your record thus far is hardly one of a law man. Keep up good behavior and I may consider it though.”

    “How good are we talking?” asked Ray.

    “Figure it out,” said Extremus. “Now, we need to figure out how to proceed in respect to the apparent goals of the mages. Dragn is in the forests, so he’ll have to fend for himself.”

    “He’s got a solid team, plus the wolves, he should be able to handle it,” said Liadan.

    “Indeed, but that’s not the angle I’m worried about,” said Extremus.

    “The graveyard?” asked Liadan.

    “Of coarse,” said Extremus. “They wanted to know the most powerful beings buried there, and they want to perform a necromantic ritual, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

    “They want to bring back the toughest fighter the city’s ever had,” muttered Ray.

    “That would be what he meant,” grumbled Ender.

    “Hey sometimes I like to think out loud okay?” snapped Ray.

    “Surprised you think at all,” replied Ender.

    “Enough,” said Extremus. “We have other things to think about. How are we going to defend the cemetery from mages on this level?”

    “The real question is how do we make sure they won’t notice us before we can spring a trap?” asked Liadan.

    “I have an idea,” said Ray.

    “Do tell,” said Ender.

    Ray glared at the elf, then continued. “Well the cemetery has a lot of old monuments and stuff, plenty of easy shadows to hide in, physical hiding will be easy. If someone creates a distraction they’ll pay attention to that since they don’t know who all is part of the team, they won’t be expecting that everyone else is hiding in the cemetery, especially if we don’t bring magic weapons and armor with us.”

    “Standard weapons and a distraction, that’s playing it pretty risky,” said Extremus.

    “It might be the only way though,” said Liadan. “They’re powerful enough that they can probably smell every bit of magic in the city, so much that we couldn’t use it to hide from them, and they would still be able to see it coming during a diversion.”

    “I suppose you’re right,” said Extremus. “Although I’m not fond of facing magics like they must control with normal steel.”

    “Well it’s either that or let them know we’re coming,” said Kenshin.

    “Fine then,” said Extremus. “Liadan, tell L0ri to start work on getting us the necessary equipment, and send Crusader the information we have.”

    “Why am I always the runner?” asked Lia.

    “Because generally speaking you’re the most trustworthy person on this team,” said Extremus. “And you’re the only one I don’t expect to get sidetracked by every shiny sixpence they come across.”

    “It would take a lot more than a sixpence to distract me,” said Ender.

    “Any currency,” said Extremus flatly.

    “Fine I get it, I’m going,” grumbled Liadan. “I hope my hard hours running back and forth will be fondly remember when I fall over from exhaustion and never get up.”

    “With how much you run I think you’re the least likely to get exhausted of all of us,” said Ender.

    “Be that as it may I want everyone to remember that I’m the hardest working person here,” said Liadan.

    “That you are, now hurry up,” said Extremus.


    “Smashtar, how many bones do you think you’ll have to break before Shogun belongs to Slink?” asked the catlike creature as she and the burly warrior who accompanied her moved toward the library.

    “A pansy like him, I won’t even have to break all of his fingers!” said Smashtar.

    “Didn’t he beat you when you fought before?” asked Slink.

    “That doesn’t count, he surprised me, and no one even saw it so I couldn’t feed off of the crowd!” said Smashtar.

    “Hmmmm, that makes sense,” said Slink. “But I just thought he was stronger than you.”

    “No one is stronger than me!” growled Smashtar.

    “Not even Cutligula?” asked Slink.

    “Especially Cutligula!” roared Smashtar as he put his fist through a nearby wall.

    “Slink likes it when Smashtar is angry,” said Slink. “It means he’ll be that much more ready to fight.”

    “I’m ready alright, I. R. Shogun better pray that he passes out fast,” said Smashtar. “Otherwise I can’t wait to hear the sounds he’s gonna make!”

    “What kind of sounds will Shogun make?” asked Slink.

    “The same kind the rest of them made when you got bored,” said Smashtar.

    “Ooooooh, Slink can’t wait…” said Slink.

    “Me neither…” said Smashtar.
  4. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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    12 Disciples [13]: Vicious

    Paths never seemed as long to Shogun as they did to others. That was partly because he had a habit to make his own ways to places, and partly because his mind was always racing among other things to the point where he didn’t think very much about any journeys he was on until he got to where he needed to be. Unfortunately with the ease of mind that this allowed also came his status as an extremely easy target for an ambush. Shogun didn’t fully comprehend that he was under attack until he was already halfway to the ground with nothing to grab hold of, Smashtar having burst through the wall that he was running along just as he was about to take a step. The ground welcomed him with a thud, but he quickly regained his footing.

    “Hah! See that! Fell for the oldest surprise attack in the book! I told you last time was a fluke!” gloated the large brute.

    “He’s back on his feet you know…” said Slink with a bemused grin.

    “Good, I’d hate if he was already broken! I’m just getting ready to start!” said Smashtar as he dropped into the alley in front of Shogun.

    “Ah it’s you guys, and here I was starting to think things were a little too pleasant around here,” said Shogun with a slight yawn.

    “Hah! That won’t last!” laughed Smashtar.

    “Yeah yeah, anyway could you hurry this up, I have someplace to be,” said Shogun.

    “Well if you insist!” said Smashtar as he lunged forward, putting his giant hand through a wall as Shogun ducked below the strike and delivered a hard kick to the back of the big brute’s knee. Smashtar dropped, allowing Shogun to ram his elbow into the brute’s temple.

    “Come on Smashtar you aught to step it up, otherwise this little exercise won’t even be worth the seconds you’re costing me,” Shogun said, only to gain the response of a massive fist against his head.

    “You know your problem Avenger, you talk too damn much without even thinking about how strong the other guy is! I can’t wait to hear your mouth form the words that acknowledge me as the stronger among us!” Smashtar roared as he punted Shogun through the air, then struck him with a blow that made the warrior bounce twice against the ground.

    “What words would those be, happy trickster day?” Shogun grinned as he kipped up and unleashed a Triple Threat against his colossal opponent.

    “Funny guy, we’ll see how funny you think this is!” growled Smashtar as he struck the ground, shooting out a pillar of earth that flung Shogun through a nearby building and into the streets just before the library.

    “Smashtar don’t break him, Slink wants to do that!” demanded the cat creature.

    “I’ll do my best but he needs to be taught a lesson about crossing me!” said the brute as he charged toward where Shogun had touched down, only to find the hero had vanished.

    “Where did he go? Slink wants to know!” pouted Slink.

    “I dunno, but he couldn’t have gone too far…” said Smashtar.

    “Not far at all,” came the voice of Shogun as Smashtar felt an incredible pain tear through his abdomen, his body lifted off the ground and he was flung through the air with the force of a hurricane, smashing through wall and window until he came to a stop deep in a crater several blocks away.

    “Yay! He’s still alive!” said Slink. “Now it’s Slink’s turn to play!”

    The cat creature leapt down and swiped at Shogun again and again, rapidly becoming more and more feline with each strike until she hit a perfect balance between cat and person. Shogun carefully dodged between each blow, calculating the strength of the one warrior of this trio that he’d never faced before, trying to locate any weakness he could exploit until he grew tired of waiting and decided to take the helm of this exchange. He created some distance with a quick triple threat, as he did he charged a blast, then unleashed the full fury of his Shogun Shot, knocking Slink back, just in time for Smashtar to return.

    “That was a dirty trick Shogun, now it’s time I showed you what real strength is!” shouted the giant as he came down with all his force behind his fist, forcing all of his power against Shogun’s guard, overwhelming the defender and leaving him perfectly vulnerable for a follow up strike that sent Shogun skidding along the ground. Smashtar moved to capitalize, bringing both of his meaty arms down poised to crush Shogun, but in a flash he found himself unable to crush his downed opponent.

    Who dares to attempt to defile this sacred ground with the lifeblood of its defender? the voice was terribly eerie, but Shogun was glad to hear it as he rolled to his feet and looked upon the burning green spirit that defended the library, Sorillon.

    “Huh? Get out of my way freak!” growled Smashtar as he attempted to crush Sor’s head between his humongous palms, only for the swift spirit to dodge and slash open the abdomen of the giant.

    Such manners your friends have Shogun, mocked the spirit as he struck the temple of the brute hard with his heel.

    “They have a certain charm to them,” said Shogun as he launched a series of blasts at Slink.

    “Smashtar Slink isn’t having fun anymore, Slink wants to go home,” said the cat.

    “Grah! Fine, you’re lucky you cheated Shogun! Next time I’m gonna crush you good!” growled Smashtar as both he and Slink suddenly vanished.

    “I really aught to do something about these people always being able to find me,” said Shogun with a sigh.

    “Yes you should,” came the voice of the librarian herself as she walked onto the steps of the building. “If I hadn’t made Sor step in we’d have to scrape you off the sidewalk.”

    “Meh, I coulda taken ‘em,” said Shogun.

    Not how it looked from where I stood, replied the spirit as he floated back into the library.

    “Never underestimate Shogun ingenuity,” said Shogun with a grin as he walked up the stairs.

    “So what brings you back here Shogun? Aren’t you on assignment?” asked Liv.

    “Yeah, Cru wanted me to look up absolutely everything you have on MageKing so it’ll all be fresh in my head,” said Shogun.

    “Sounds like he just wanted to get rid of you,” said Liv.

    “Maybe, but if anything really important happens he’ll probably send someone to come get me, so I’lll gladly take this chance to spend some time away from big gruesome,” said Shogun.

    “Fair enough, any idea of anything that might be of particular interest to your search?” asked Liv.

    “Anything on his followers and ways to bring him back from the dead,” said Shogun.

    “Growing unfond of staying alive are you?” asked Liv as they entered.

    “Well you know you’re really never too young to meet your maker,” said Shogun.

    “That’s especially funny coming from a human of all races,” said Liv with a smile.

    “Well when you don’t live as long you have to be able to figure things out a little faster,” said Shogun.

    “If you say so,” answered Liv. “Now lets get to work finding your books…”
  5. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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  6. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

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    SUCKER! Part One

    It is with great displeasure that I should come to any house under the requirements of my occupation. I have been working this profession for sixteen years. I was trained in the arts that are my craft by Rosgwak, the Gentleman Phantom, and an expert in the occult. I am the scourge of all things that go bump in the night, my primary job title is simple. My name is Kakashi, and I'm a vampire hunter.

    The call today came early, roughly six in the morning. I'd just gotten home from investigating a tip on a possible Steak-man sighting when it came. I answered nonchalantly as usual, can't let anyone think I don't get plenty of business.

    "Oh thank God! You don't know how much I need a real job, please tell me you got something!" Damn subtle.

    "Uh, is this Kakashi, Yuan, and Co. Vampire Hunting service?" came a voice at the other end of the phone. It was a woman, I could tell that much, which clearly meant this was going to be a messy case.

    "Yeah! What can we help you with? Evil cult next door? Demons in your shed? Haunted cereal boxes?" I figured I'd give her the full sales pitch, I can't have people thinking I'm a one trick pony.

    "My name is Elven Writer, and I run a cattle ranch on the far side of town. My cows have been turning up with invisible skin. They're perfectly healthy and everything, but it's really inconvenient. I mean, have you ever tried to sell a cow to a meat plant when most of the meat can't be seen?" She sounded desperate, and this sounded like a great case to show my versatility. I was intrigued.

    "How much are you willing to pay me to find whoever is turning your leather invisible?"

    "What? Oh you thought that was the call? No no, I've got Shogun and Sons looking into that, I'm calling you because my uncle is a vampire and he's trying to eat my little sister." I was hoping for a different kind of case, so I was a little disappointed, but I didn't let it show.

    "Wha... oh. Oh, yeah, I can take care of that. That... that won't be any problem at all..."

    "Are you crying?"

    "No... no I'm fine, why would you think that?" I totally wasn't crying. I just had something in my eye... and was having a panic attack... "Anyway, I'll take the case. I'll be out to your ranch in a little while."

    I forgot to ask about the pay, but I figured the price for killing a family vampire was pretty universal, so that wouldn't be much of a problem. I decided to make my way right to the ranch with no delays or side trips. But then I passed the old Pub, and as history has taught me passing a pub without stopping in was bad luck, and I certainly didn't want bad luck going into a vampire battle. So I figured I'd stop in, get a drink, then head to the job.

    "Kakashi my boy! I haven't seen you in an age! The usual take it?" it was Jim, the wily and wild bartender.

    "Sorry Jim, I don't have time for seventy-five whiskeys today, I got a job!" I knew Jim wouldn't be too surprised, he knows I'm the best in the business.

    "You? Someone hired YOU?! Ha! The poor sap, what did they not know all the neighborhood kids phone numbers so they went through the coupons on their Chinese take-out stickers?" Jim was always pretty careful not to say anything unkind to anyone.

    "Screw you ya dark elf dullard!"

    "What the hell did you just say!?" To my surprise at this point Jim produced a bat from behind the bar, I ducked instinctively, knowing Jim must be swinging for someone behind me. The guy he hit went down like a sack of cement, I was probably lucky Jim acted when he did, this guy must've been ready to kill me.

    "You dumb bastard look what you made me do! That was the health inspector! Damn it I can't keep doing this, Kaine! Get the old brews! We're burning this place to the ground!" Figuring there might be others there seeking to take me out I quickly left. An explosion rocked the block almost immediately after I left, I hoped Jim had insurance on that old place.

    Suddenly I remembered that I had some other business that needed taken care of. I'm sure Elven Writer's vampire would wait, but my memory wouldn't, I needed to go visit Warrior Squirrel, he owed me big...
  7. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Jul 25, 2004
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    SUCKER! Chapter 2:

    It is with great displeasure that I should come to any house under the requirements of my occupation. I have been working this profession for sixteen years. I was trained in the arts that are my craft by Rosgwak, the Gentleman Phantom, and an expert in the occult. I am the scourge of all things that go bump in the night, my primary job title is simple. My name is Kakashi, and I'm a vampire hunter.

    I knew it wasn't gonna take long to find WS. He always stuck to the same seedy hangout when he wasn't doing any jobs. Fella was a marksman, and one of the highest paid hit men in town. Back three years ago he fell on some hard times with the Russian Vampire Mob. They're like the regular Russian Mob, only vampires, and therefore much worse. He eventually came to me, knowing that I'm the best around at the job... and also the only one around at the job. But still, I helped him out of that jam, and now I was cashing in.

    "WS, we need to talk about what you owe me!"

    "What do I owe you?" he plays dumb, and he's real good at it, it's almost like he really doesn't know what I'm talking about.

    "You remember three years ago, the Russian Vampires."

    "You want me to pay you for that? You didn't do anything, you threw a handful of gravel at one of them and then knocked yourself out with that stupid pulley system that was supposed to snare him! If Liv hadn't given me a hand I'd have been a goner!"

    "But you never paid me."

    "Paid you for knocking yourself out? What do I look like? You?!"

    That kind of stung, but I knew he just didn't want to part with the cash. "Fine I got ya, you just don't have the cash, listen I'll be back, and when I am I expect you to have my money."

    "Expect whatever you want but I'm not paying you for doing nothing helpful."

    I could tell he was scared, I'd cut him a break, there was a chance he owed someone else even bigger, and it would be pretty cold for me to insist on collecting under those circumstances. Another time then, for now I had to get to that farm, no delays.

    Two blocks over I happened upon an old fashion ice cream stand. I couldn't pass up a chance like that, you never knew how long those things would be in a given place.

    "Broker's Ice Cream stand, one of us on every block, what can I make you today?" asked the red haired youth behind the stand.

    "I'd like a parfait." A simple request, and on the cheap.

    "We don't have those."

    "What?! Why not?!"

    "Well a French parfait doesn't use ice cream, neither does the yogurt kind you get at McDonalds. And we don't use glassware here so an American style parfait wouldn't be authentic, so we don't serve those." A whole lotta nonsense, this guy clearly didn't know anything about ice cream.

    "Well what do you have?"

    "Seventy six flavors each taken from distinct and notable ice cream shops around the world ranging from Maddies in Philly to Jean Premais in southern Turkey. My personal favorite is Double Booming Chocolate which originated in eastern Russia when some plutonium got mixed with the chocolate. The recipe was modified to be non-lethal by famous ice cream scientist Igor Vovonosky, born in Moscow in 1897, for the purpose of making Russians less depressed about the fact that communists didn't invent colors other than red until ten years after the Americans did."

    "Do you have vanilla?"

    "What kind of vanilla sir?"

    "Gah screw this noise! Too many choices already!"

    I walked away, leaving the kid gawking at my manliness. I still had a job to do, so I needed to get to that farm, I just hoped this vampire wasn't too considerably ancient...