Legendary

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by TheDarkPrince, Jul 28, 2009.

  1. TheDarkPrince

    TheDarkPrince New Member

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    Please help me with my story.

    Yawn! Welcome to my life. My name is Zac. I come from a small town called Vanshi. My friends and I were once just like you. That changed after we went camping at Jake’s house. We had just set up our camp and were sitting around the fire. Jake, one of my best friends since Year Seven and the shortest in our group, was cuddling up to his bubbly girlfriend Lisa. Next to them, debating about whether Jake was more flammable than a brick, was Ian and David. Ian was really tall and slightly nerdy. David was short and obsessed with fire. Sitting next to me was my lovely, sexy, kind and wonderful girlfriend Rose. We had been going out for seven months and things were looking good. The last two members of our group were Cody and Luke. Cody was our resident computer geek and Luke had been my best friend since Grade Two. Cody had gone looking for firewood and Luke was cooking sausages for tea.
    Suddenly, Cody yelled out “OMG!” Luke, Jake and I jumped up and ran into the darkness. Visions went through my head of Cody crushed under a tree, stuck under a landside and many more gruesome deaths. We burst into a clearing to find a massive wolf pinning Cody to the ground. As it heard our approach, the wolf’s gaze shifted from Cody to Jake. Jake shouted “I’ve got it!”, and stormed towards the wolf. The wolf released Cody and leaped at Jake. Arms and claws swung frantically, until Jake struck the wolf on the side of the jaw. The wolf yelped and dashed into the darkness.
     
  2. KnighT

    KnighT Dawnbringer

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    Howdy! Well, TheDarkPrince, what exactly would you like help with?

    To be honest, I think you should try to expand these two paragraphs. Zac tells us everything so quickly that you don't grow attached to the characters.

    I think you can open this story up a little better. I didn't do it much justice, but see the difference between what you wrote and this:

    Yawn! Hey, my name is Zac. I come from a small town called Vanshi. My friends and I were just like you, once. But that all changed the night we went camping at Jake's house...

    Are you wanting to set a dramatic mood? Do you want suspense? If so, I suggest not having Zac yawn at the beginning. But, if you do want a lighter mood, then keep it.

    You may also want to change this:

    Sorry I couldn't be more useful. I'm quite the poor editor. I hope that I at least gave you some ideas on how to improve it, though.

    Good luck writing, and don't forget to keep it up. The more you read and write, the better you get. :)