How you met your gf/bf/wife/husband

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Druid of Lûhn, Apr 29, 2013.

  1. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    @Prince_Kheldar: I used to feel like getting a girl's number/msn address and sending her messages, managing to be at parties where she would be and also starting a semi-spontaneous kiss. I have controlled myself and now am happy with a different way.

    @Sparrow: she's already had boyfriends and is much more outgoing, although it's clear that there is something. Just got a message reminding me of our meeting on Thursday.
     
  2. Mububban

    Mububban Administrator Staff Member

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    Every failed relationship I've had helped me to clarify my own mistakes to hopefully avoid repeating them, and narrow down the "stuff I'm no longer prepared to put up with from crazy women" list :) How's your list going?

    My lady comes from very messily divorced parents, which shaped her perceptions and expectations of what a relationship should be like. Basically, she didn't think couples were meant to be happy. So she dated a few stupid aholes, she even married one of them before realising she was unhappy and didn't want to do that for the rest of her life :D So she divorced him, a while after which we found our way together. But even when she started dating me, a stunningly intelligent, funny and powerfully good looking catch of a man :p she kept expecting things to end badly so she did that whole "I'll make it end before the happy period runs out and we hate each other." Took a fair bit of work from my part to make her realise that no, I wasn't going to leave her or cheat on her or treat her like crap, and that she could trust me. Didn't help that every other loser she'd dated previously had cheated on her. But we got there in the end.

    My first girlfriend had terrible body image issues even though she was a stunner. Constantly having to prop her up mentally and emotionally was draining and mentally/emotionally exhausting. My motto is "You should work hard at your relationship, but it should not be hard work."
     
  3. Moo Guru

    Moo Guru New Member

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    No wiser words have ever been spoken on the art of relationships lol. Everyone comes with baggage, and everyone comes into your life for a reason, even if it's just to teach you what you can't / shouldn't put up with. Learn about you - what you want, what you like, what you expect from someone you trust, how far you're willing to compromise on things that don't really matter to the bigger picture - only then will you be able to find someone who fits the bill, and find out what it means to be content as well as deliriously happy.

    The sad thing is, by the time you've learnt enough about yourself to actually find happiness, you're usually so cynical you don't notice it when it finds you lol.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2013
  4. Sparrow

    Sparrow Well-Known Member

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    Actually, I don't really keep such a list.
    I'm still getting over a very long and intense relationship that ended last year and I think maybe if I had a list I would have never been with her in the first place. Can't say for sure. In the end I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything.

    My problem is I don't work hard at relationships. I sort of let them just happen, and then unhappen, unfortunately.
     
  5. S.J. Faerlind

    S.J. Faerlind Flashlight Shadowhunter

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    Yup... it's the whole avoid eye contact and conversation with anyone who's unfamiliar strategy. You can't return a smile from across the room if you don't notice one because you're staring at the floor or concentrating on whatever you're doing for example. I still employ that strategy anytime I have to take public transit, when I'm at the gym or if I'm in some kind of social situation I find uncomfortable. It still creeps me out to catch strangers watching me.
    For the most part though I think I'm finally outgrowing my basically shy nature or maybe I've just learned to cope with it better. I'm not nearly as awkward as I used to be around people that I don't know. XD

    I agree with Mubs: it's funny how working hard at a good relationship never seems to feel like work.
     
  6. Sparrow

    Sparrow Well-Known Member

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    Oh c'mon now, it's a whole different ball game when you're married with kids. The stakes are higher and you have much more invested in the relationship, and way more to lose if it completely unravels.

    Once you get over the fantasy that there's ONE special person out there who will be your "soul mate" for life, then it gets easier. I don't know if any of my married friends are really all that happy, hell, most of them are miserable half the time.
     
  7. Moo Guru

    Moo Guru New Member

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    But it takes hard work to get to being married with kids lol. There may not be one soul mate, but there may be a few people you end up feeling that close to over the span of a lifetime. But the point people are trying to make here is that being soul mates doesn't come easy - there are a gazillion little things you have to compromise on, a googleplex of ways that things can gradually drift from perfection without anyone noticing. Vigilance is hard work, and it takes vigilance to ensure that 'special someone' always feels special. But when they matter to you, its worth the hard work, its worth facing your demons, its worth putting their feelings before your own, its worth fighting for.
     
  8. Mububban

    Mububban Administrator Staff Member

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    Yeah pretty much. We argue, we piss each other off, and we get it wrong even after 9 years together. But we are just so right for each other we often look at each other and say exactly that. We don't just stay together "for the children", we stay together because we've come to understand that there are very few perfectly happy relationships in the world, and what we have with each other is really pretty special.

    But I don't buy into that "one perfect soul mate" stuff either, everyone is compatible with several people to varying degrees. It just depends who you meet at what stage of your life. I've met another girl that could also have been "the one" but we were both too young to make it work long term. I've met other girls who I know could've been good for me, and me for them, but I was with someone else so never pursued it in any way. So much of life is random luck and chance.
     
  9. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Yeah, I spend half the time looking into her eyes, the other half looking all over the place except at her, and it's worse with other people. I just feel like looking into someones eyes is almost a challenge and find it weird; trying not to look aggressive/trying not to just stare and catch flies.
     
  10. Emelie

    Emelie Queen of darkness

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    I met my bf when I was out 'partying' on my birthday. I saw a guy at the bar standing alone with a Kamelot shirt on.. and of course.. i couldnt just let that go, i had to talk to him! And so we talked all night, about everything, standing there.. ignoring my friends..unfortunately. good thing they can entertain myself. I definitely didnt see him as someone I could date back then. He later asked me out for a coffee.. we hit it off very well..and didn't want to leave.. and since... we've hung every day..going for walks, gaming, watching movies, doing everything together. It took a while before we became something more than friends, we both wanted it, but we didn't want to spoil the newfound friendship. So in the end, I was the one who kissed him, after giving him so many hints even a stone could've seen it. But he doesnt really do well with hints xD
    And with exception for like 4 days all in all.. and thats no exaggeration. we've hung every day..The funny thing is.. I hate spending a lot of time with people, and usually cant stand them.. I can be a bit of a loner, not spend time with other people for a very long time, doesn't really bother me, and I actually prefer it.. But there's just something special about him, and I want him around every day, for the rest of my life.
     
  11. S.J. Faerlind

    S.J. Faerlind Flashlight Shadowhunter

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    I couldn't have put it better myself and Mububban's post is full of good points too. No relationship is ever perfect and you can't change the person you're with into someone who you think is perfect for you either. There are always going to be things that irritate you about your significant other and things about you that irritate them too. Still, if the basics of a relationship are good, the irritating things are not such a big deal. For example: it drives me crazy that my husband leaves his laundry on the floor. I have laundry hampers all over the house hanging on doors to make it easy and convenient for clothes to find their way into them. Even if there's one within arm's reach, my hubby's clothes lay where they fall more often than not....lol. After 13 years of marriage (and 8 years together before that) all we can do is laugh about that kind of stuff now. In the end, he's kind to me, he's my best friend/confidante, he's a good dad to our kids and he pulls his weight both financially and around the house. When I look at women who get beaten by their alcoholic spouses and things like that I gotta consider that a little laundry left on the floor isn't such a big deal really. He's totally worth whatever "work" I have to put into our relationship. Besides, it kinda doesn't feel like "work" at all when it pleases me to see him happy.
     
  12. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Very nice story Emelie, sounds like you're very happy!

    Aren't we all rather similar here? Does this happen to all fantasy geeks (for want of a better word)?
     
  13. Sparrow

    Sparrow Well-Known Member

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    mmmmm, not for me really... I sort of feel like the outsider in this thread.:)

    I've never actually been under the impression that anything is meant to be, or is meant to last. A month ago if you'd asked me if I would be visiting Toronto with a girl whose barely old enough to legally drink alcohol... well, I would have said you're nuts. I don't know why I end up where I end up half the time. I truly would like something else in my life, to be where I'm supposed to be and with the person I should be with. But it never happens.
     
  14. Emelie

    Emelie Queen of darkness

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    Does what happen? :p

    Well you never know what will last and what wont. What will happen or wont. And I've never been the one to believe in things that are meant to be, the true love and all that. And it can break me sometimes.. Cause that way, I can never really let anyone as close as id like, cause I don't think it will last.. But if some people can have that, why can't we. I mean, you're not that old that you're gonna die too soon i hope. So why can't you meet someone you feel you should be with, even have annoying little kids and all that...
     
  15. Moo Guru

    Moo Guru New Member

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    I think it's all about self knowledge: if you know how to make yourself happy, you know how to help someone else make you happy, and how to help them help you make them happy (that's a lot of helps in one sentence!). If that doesn't make sense I'll rephrase it but it all amounts to brutal honesty with yourself and others lol
     
  16. AlphaAlex

    AlphaAlex Official Forum Nuisance

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    Well I first met my hand when I was around 12. She never got jealous when I bought other girls home or even when I am in long term relationships with other honeys. In fact she is a good root even when other partners have girl moments or Headaches. She has never let me down... Well there was that time I broke her and got with lefty (her sister) but dont let her know.
     
  17. Moo Guru

    Moo Guru New Member

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    See? Self-knowledge, I rest my case lol
     
  18. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    AA has been surprisingly honest here, I am impressed.

    @Emelie, Sparrow: what I meant is that we're not all the ones with the 'popular' crowd, the quieter ones (in different ways) that find/are found by a lovely person just like that and then spend loads of time with them. That end bit could be what it's usually like though, I don't know.
     
  19. Sparrow

    Sparrow Well-Known Member

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    I hope it's in the cards for you, that it lasts as long as your life. But something tells me that you have trouble believing in such things.
     
  20. S.J. Faerlind

    S.J. Faerlind Flashlight Shadowhunter

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    I don't think it's always a plan that makes it happen though. I think luck has about as much to do with it as anything. I never planned to get a boyfriend. I never planned to marry him or have kids. In fact if you'd asked me in my teens/early twenties if I wanted to have kids some day I would have said "no way!". I was kind of shocked when he asked me to marry him (which I know was a spur of the moment decision on his part after 8 years of being together). My husband and I just kind of fell into our relationship. We liked each other and so one day turned into the next, weeks became months and months became years. Life goes on and circumstances/priorities change but I can't ever remember waking up and thinking, "I don't want to be here today."

    As to whether any relationships were meant to last a lifetime or not... who knows? Nobody can ever say for sure and nobody can "plan" for their future feelings or for those of their significant other either. I think the trick is to make each day (or at least most of them) as good as possible and deal with problems as they arise (the "working" at the relationship). Then you can be reasonably sure that the two of you will want to be together again tomorrow. If one or both people have too many days where they don't want to be together anymore and they can't work it out, then maybe they just aren't (or are no longer) compatible....?

    Maybe? From what I've seen since joining TFF, the people who stick around here do seem to share a few common personality traits....lol
     
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