How to Make the Most of Your Christmas Vacation - Rated G

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Lady_of_Shalott, Dec 17, 2004.

  1. Lady_of_Shalott

    Lady_of_Shalott Weaving the Magic Web

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    8,237
    Likes Received:
    63
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Ratings:
    +63 / 0 / -0
    How to Make the Most of Your Christmas Vacation

    Well, you made it! You've just survived four days of nonstop midterms, with questions like "What's the cube root of 188,794.129?" (no calculators allowed), "What's the average caloric intake of the Himalayan Spit Beetle?" and "In 5,000 words or more, compare and contrast the following: Whitney Houston and the federal deficit." You've also heard Frosty the Snowman played over the school's PA system for the 4,973rd time, been approached by over a hundred mindless twits who say "See ya next year! Get it?! Next year?" and had an entire can of that fake snow stuff sprayed on the back of your head by an upperclassman. You deserve a break. You deserve Christmas break.

    Unfortunately, Christmas break is merely an oasis in that vast desert known as the school year. You've got fourteen, maybe fifteen days tops, and it is essential that you use them wisely. Here are some ways to insure yourself of a memorable Christmas vacation.

    1. Make Your Own Christmas Gifts

    Here are the hard facts. You've got about six days to do the same amount of Christmas shopping that your mom has been working on, virtually nonstop, since July. The only way you can possibly achieve this feat is to do a highly dangerous thing. You must go to a mall. And if you go to a mall in late December you will become either a) lost, b) trampled, or c) trampled and then lost. Furthermore, you wouldn't be able to get a parking space until sometime around St. Patrick's Day.

    So what's the solution to this dilemma? Very simple. Make your own Christmas gifts. With a little creativity and about three bucks (even less if you go through your neighbors' garbage) you can churn out dozens of exiciting Christmas gifts using everyday items found lying around the house. Not only will you avoid getting lost or trampled, you'll also save some big bucks. Here a re a few examples of the many gifts you coul.d make for family members:

    *Dad will be the talk of the office when he shows up in the dress pants you made for him entirely out of aluminum foil. Aluminum pants are shrink-proof and stain-proof. (be sure to warn Dad not to wear the pants on hot sunny days or during electrical storms.)

    *Never mind spending sixty dollars on that extravagant Ode-Du-Yak perfume that your sister wants. For about eight cents, you can turn a packet of cherry Kool-Aid into a great batch of perfume that Sis will love. Put it in a plastic milk jug, slap a label on it, and she'll never know the difference. (except for the fact that she'll be licked by dogs and small children wherever she goes.)

    *Why fork over $149.57 for that Inter-Galatic Neutron Space Telescope that your little brother wants when you can make a near duplicate with a couple of paper towel roles and some of your dad's old eyeglass lenses? Your brother will think he's the next Carl Sagan.

    *And for Mom, you can easily weave a pair of great-looking nylon stockings our of fishing line and old dental floss.

    2. Decorate the Dog

    Sure, I know, this sounds stupid. But is it really any more bizarre than decorating a tree? With a string of lights and a battery pack, old Duke will look like a canine version of the Macy's Christmas Parade. Furthermore, if you live on a busy street, you'll have the added satisfaction of knowing that your pooch will be easily spotted by oncoming cars (most of which will drive off the road in fits of hysteria because they'll think they're being chased by some kind of mutant Christmas tree.

    3. Have Your Gifts Scanned

    Dying to find out what's in your Christmas gifts? Forget about the unreliable shake-the-gifts method! Take your gifts to the airport, act like you're leaving on a flight, and as the gifts are being x-rayed by security, look over their sholders to see what's inside. Why agonize for days wondering if you're getting that solar powered boom-box?

    4. Write Your History Term Paper Entirely on Styrofoam Packing Peanuts

    Have you ever wondered what to do with the 4,786,271 styrofoam peanuts that inevitably engulf your house on Christmas Day (besides seeing how many tou can convince your little brother to stick up his nose)? Think no more! No doubt you were assigned some kind of hideous term paper the day before vacation, such as, "Describe in 27,000 words the role of 'Happy Days' reruns in the break-up of the Soviet Union." Your teacher surely requested that it be typed, but did she say "typed on paper"? Probably not! So get even plus help the environment by doing it all on styrofoam peanuts. Type one word per peanut and keep them in order by making a garland out of them with a needle and thread. Or, forget about keeping them in order and just put them in a box and let her figure out what order they're supposed to be in. At the very least, she's got to give you an A for originality.

    5. The Ten Yard Needle Dash

    If your living room is anything like mine the week after Christmas, it's covered with approximately eight jillion dried pine needles. This is due to the fact that everyone in our family assumes that someone else watered the tree. (Plus, on the rare occasion that someone does water the tree, the dog sucks it all up.) For a real challenge, get some of your friends tigether and see who can walk the furthest distance across the living room barefoot without screaming or passing out. The record in our household in seventeen feet, nine and a half inches by my cousin Lenny, who is recovering nicely.

    6. Take Down the Christmas Tree Ornaments Using Only Your Teeth

    Without a doubt, one of the most dreaded tasks of the holiday season is de-trimming the Christmas tree. Here's a great wat to turn a dull task into an exciting game. Try removing the tree ornaments using only your teeth! Score points as follows:

    Decoration - Point Value
    tinsel - 1 point per strand
    bulbs - 2 points each
    extremely delicate ornaments - 3 points each
    those ornaments that your mom
    likes to stick way in next to the trunk - 5 points each
    an entire string of lights (without
    letting any portion of the string
    touch the ground) - 10 points
    any broken ornaments - -5 points
    any accidentally swallowed ornaments - -10 points
    the star - 20 points
    the entire tree, hauled out
    to the road - 50 points


    So there you have it. Six great ways to make the most of your Christmas break. Now if we could only figure out a way to get two weeks off for Groundhog Day...
     
  2. Rock Mouth

    Rock Mouth Speaker for the People

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Ratings:
    +6 / 0 / -0
    Wow........................ You really let yourself go didnt ya?
     
  3. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    ...I didn't read but until Frosty the Snowman part and my brain hurt
     
  4. LyannaWolfBlood

    LyannaWolfBlood Ella Dictadora

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
    6,374
    Likes Received:
    230
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Ratings:
    +230 / 0 / -0
    Lol, brilliant :D.
     
  5. HumanInfiltrator

    HumanInfiltrator The Book club lady

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,116
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    In hope
    Ratings:
    +19 / 0 / -0
    Stitches, thats what you had us in. The dog. Oh my goodness, the dog.
     
  6. Kakashi

    Kakashi The Fighters Guide House Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2005
    Messages:
    15,018
    Likes Received:
    306
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    In the hearts and minds of us all
    Ratings:
    +306 / 0 / -0
    all i can say is:

    Hilarious!

    great joke!

    (4 years ago i spelled it halarious and i couldn't take it anymore)
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2011