Ha, bit of my works.

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Hater`, Aug 12, 2012.

  1. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    Before you start reading.
    English is not my native tongue, so please correct any mistakes and errors, and critcize as much as you like, I do it for fun, not for glory and fame. So please Enjoy, yet untitled and unedited version of my idea.

    If someone, like to know, whats the idea please ask, I`ll be more than glad to tell you about idea that is living in my chaotic mind.

    Enjoy, if it`s enjoyable.


    1.
    He opened his eyes. - What the **** was that – he thought. He knew he was late, he could tell it without even seeing the watch on his night table. He was always late, he loathed himself for that, it was like curse he could not get ff. He slowly got up and brushed his eyes - ****. I`m tired. **** that ****, for making such early appointments , gee, I wish I could faking sleep a bit. – Despite all that he continued to wake up and get dressed for the appointment. He wore some clothes every day, same grey mantle and same brown shoes, because clothes don’t matter in this society, what matter is what you can do, and he knew he was the best, the most talented, all he needed was time. He went to mirror, looked in his own dark blue eyes and thought - ****, I going to do it, I will get into guild. He looked around him, chaos everywhere, books, food, bottles all around his small one room flat. As he walked to door, he carefuly step over books and swore – ****, I have to tidy this shit, gonna do it today, after I get into guild. He walked out of room into busy city life. His first sight was of his little sister, he frowned and said – why they **** this early, sis? You know I like to sleep!
    You`ll never get into guild without effort, Maer, show some to masters and they will be pleased.
    Why? They know I am good. He looked her in eyes, he could see that she did this all because of father – now, he felt like he hated her too -, he frowned and walked off – Don`t fallow me, thank you for help, but I wont be needing it any futher. Do what you do best, leave.
    He continued walking thinking how dumb everybody was, how underrated he felt. He hated everybody. Then he hate grew into daydreaming, he saw himself becoming the best artists there is, told in stories, sang in songs, mentioned on every paper, famous, rich powerful, he knew that is his destiny. Without even noticing he has daydream to very steps of guild.
    Guild of Artists the nice black title said, it was simple and plain, nice to eyes, not too dark and not too bright. Just the everyday color.
    He opened the small wooden door into the guild, as he walked in he saw small desk right in front of him, and nice lady behind it,and huge chalkboard of titles. He have heard of board, the board of fallen it was called in the society. The Guild members got their quests and jobs from it. Basicly it was like quest board. He realized he stood there and watched, and the lady behind desk was staring at him. He shook his head and walked toward – Hi, Im Maer, to appointment at 6:45. Lady darted her eyes to some sort of book on the table, stood up and opened doors. – Straight ahead, big brown doors-
    He walked, thinking of how stupid he was, why such idiotic – hi, I`m maer…
    Corridor was plain all in brown, he silently walked to only door at the end, daydreaming of how great he will become.
    He opened doors, straighten his backed and walked straight in. Three medium old men sat there in simple stool in middle of small room. They all wore same brown robes, and masks, each was unique, one looked like a deer, he started to examine other when one of them spoke :
    Maer, your father was great asset to our community, now please show phase 2 air – wood transformation. He started t concentrating on air around him in order to create small wooden piece, he rubbed his fingers to shape the new forming wood.
    -Stop, female voice said, that would be enough, now 4 basic rules of artist-
    He knew the so well, he have heard a billion times, but it was all chaos in his head, he started to sweat, he was nervous – ****, ****, fukc he thought, ****, 4 rules, **** - and then it came to him, as he said :
    First, mass is all that matters.
    Second, no true artist should create ART, of cells belonging to himself or other live being.
    Third, the most important, no artist should create more Art, than he is able to return to basic state.
    Forth, all the art should be returned to basic state, no matter the consiquenses.
    Same female voice spoke - now return wood to air. –
    He grabed, his small wooden piece in his palm and crushed it as hard as he could.
    Silence. All three masked men looked at him.
    And one of the spoke.
    Not accepted. Reason, too weak Artistery, not enough experience. Weak biding and weak art.
    Weak, Weak …it echoed in his mind, not accepted, he was shocked.
    He begin to open his mouth, but was interrupted
    -Silence, Mare. Next semester.
    He was shocked, and in flood of anger said – No, Why not now, I`m good enough, i`m strong, my da` was the strongest. You can`t do this. No.
    Female voice silently spoked- Banned forever, due to disrespect.
    Darkness took over his vision, he felt his legs tremble as he fell to the ground. And same echoed in his voice – weak, banned, weak, banned, weak, banned.
     
  2. wanderingmagus

    wanderingmagus Constantly Around :D

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2009
    Messages:
    7,561
    Likes Received:
    117
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Middle Earth
    Ratings:
    +248 / 1 / -0
    pretty good; could use a few more quotation marks, in my humble opinion, but it's a great start so far ^-^
     
  3. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    thak you very much, 2nd part coming up, sometime soon...maybe
     
  4. wanderingmagus

    wanderingmagus Constantly Around :D

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2009
    Messages:
    7,561
    Likes Received:
    117
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Middle Earth
    Ratings:
    +248 / 1 / -0
    no problem ^-^ Also, some of your commas are unnecessary or should be replaced with periods. Remember, commas are just pauses. Periods separate sentences.

    I will look forward to the second part ^-^
     
  5. S.J. Faerlind

    S.J. Faerlind Flashlight Shadowhunter

    Joined:
    May 29, 2012
    Messages:
    5,672
    Likes Received:
    191
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Canada
    Ratings:
    +298 / 2 / -1
    What's your native language Hater? The idea of your post intrigues me but I admit I had a little trouble following it and I think that might be because of a language barrier thing. Ever thought of posting your stuff written in your native language at www.wattpad.com too? There are lots of non-english stories posted there and you might be able to pick up some additional readers in your native tongue.

    BTW - thanks for helping to resurrect the Scribe's House! Maybe I'll post something short here too.
     
  6. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    Yeah, sure.. I am bit chaotic, gonna edit that shit later
     
  7. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    I think you could write very catchy stories, but I agree with SJ, I think reading it in your native language would be more pleasing :). Perhaps you could re-read it a few times and get out all of the errors too :).
     
  8. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    gonna do that, it`s kind of black-listed. :DFor future editing. But in time, I gonna get better. :)

    Thank you for spending your time reading my crap :D
     
  9. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    haha it isn't crap!! I think it's very good of you to write it in english, practising is the only way to learn it right? English isn't my native language too, but I like being on an international forum to practise and get better at it :).

    Editing is very good in my opinion!

    Perhaps it's a good idea to edit your written text a few times before posting it. My teachers always say errors are leading the reader's attention from the actual text. (haha just edited my own post)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2012
  10. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    Maybe, Maybe.. but, nothing is better in finding mistakes than others eye. :p
     
  11. wanderingmagus

    wanderingmagus Constantly Around :D

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2009
    Messages:
    7,561
    Likes Received:
    117
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Middle Earth
    Ratings:
    +248 / 1 / -0
    you write very well, actually ^-^ it's only a few mistakes here and there, perhaps with a couple places where elaboration would be helpful. If you could try writing it in your native language it would be nice as well :)
     
  12. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    my native language is very difficult, and I do not have such kind of forum to post it. So english will do, besides I`ts written a while ago, so my english is better now, gonna do 2nd part soon.
     
  13. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    What's your native language? Just curious :)..
     
  14. Hater`

    Hater` headless hater

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2012
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
  15. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Well, as the primary schools in holland give much attention to topography, I do know where it is and I also know the capitol ;). Never been there though.. Is it a nice country?
     
  16. Turambar

    Turambar Harebrained Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2004
    Messages:
    7,784
    Likes Received:
    162
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Not in Amsterdam :)
    Ratings:
    +189 / 0 / -0
    Yeah, you show em! The Dutch are right on there where topography is concerned :D

    It's hard not to, given the size of the country... I mean, what good are you if you can't even keep track equal-sized countries? It basically means we need to know em all >.>

    I'm sorry to report you're not the only Latvian on here. I've sent a package of beer to another member in Latvia, getting one back in return :)
     
  17. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Sorry couldn't follow you here...

    What do you mean by the small sized text?
     
  18. Turambar

    Turambar Harebrained Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2004
    Messages:
    7,784
    Likes Received:
    162
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Not in Amsterdam :)
    Ratings:
    +189 / 0 / -0
    Hmmm. Let's go WAYYYY off topic here :)

    It's a matter of perspective. Now, consider the United States of America. There are only 3 countries bigger, where surface area is concerned. Same goes for population, they're third wen it comes to that. So, knowing about the 10 biggest countries, the average American can give himself a place in this world, no questions asked. (This is commonly refleced in the topographic knowledge of the average American). Germany clocks in at 63 for size and 16 for inhabitants. Sure, they need to put in a bit of extra effort (reflected in their knowledge of topography), but still they can manage by knowing the 50 or so most important ones. Again, it's about knowing your place in the world.

    Now. The Netherlands is a small place. I traveled more than half of the country's length and back in just under 5 hours. By train. It ranks 134 by size and 63 for inhabitants. In order to understand our place in the world, we need to know about at least 100 other countries or so. I mean, what is the significance of The Netherlands, if you simply discard countries which are much larger and/or have much more inhabitants? I suppose you need to live in a small country in order to appreciate this...

    And by the time you reached that number, you might as well continue with the other 100 (the last 50 or so are not very interesting - mostly atolls and unrecognized territories).


    Now. BACK ON TOPIC :)
     
  19. Beldaran

    Beldaran Guest

    Ratings:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    aaahhh sorry now I understand :)